So the Wiz looked pretty fleet of foot last night, with one glaring exception!!!:
The disgracefully thickset rookie Jarvis Hayes! jarvis is huge; hes has a ponderous profile, he's a STOUT BITCH!!!

WHile the Wizards were out there Getting the W, Jarvis was Gettin The Butter!!!!!

Dont believe me?
If the restless trail of garlic sauce and onions that he dragged behind him on the court wasnt ebnough to convince you, others have taken notice of our fat friend.

How did it come to be JAM-JARV?
The rookie himself, blames a fast food addiction, but I suspect thats not the full story.

I suspect one fo the follwing two things may be happening.

ONE
That Jarvis walked into the locker room during summer workouts and got one traumatic look at what a hulking and clearly naked Jahidi White was doing to poor little Steve Blake and decided on the spot that the Chubb, and NOT the Chaser, lifestyle was the one for him. It just became a question of whether Jarvis could gain enough weight before veterans reported and the intimate showers would begin.

TWO
Jarvis is Spending way too muich time pursuing his off-court passion: thats right, his very own working Beef and SHeep FARM!!!
Any good porkmonger knows, Jarvis, You dont get high on your own supply!

DInt you see that Movie "Babe"? Where the farmer says to Babe "That'll Do Pig". That'll Do" If your pigs could talk, your pigs would tell you the same advice, but pigs DONT TALK my portly friend. Except for that pig that Abe Pollin created in his In Vitro farm, but that a different kind of farm and all that pig would say was "Sweat Release" over and over as he nudged his head up against the bolt gun with all his frankenstine strength.

If any good comes out of this Jarvis it will be that you learn to take your conditioning seriously. And also the good that your mom will now have an easier time telling you apart from your twin brother Jonas.
On draft night your Mom said she only knew you apart because Jonas was the "better kisser", but now she can proudly identify you as the fat one that bought her a house!