wie gefällt Ihnen Apfel !!!!!
Head on over to the New and imprioved WIZZNUTZZ site!
Designed by germans!
HERE IT IS!@!!!
James - 7:19 PM
Friday, October 24, 2003
I hope u enjoyed those Shamgoddities!
heres a few more quick links and a heartfelt message.
Go Juwan Howard !!
And the Toronto Star has a PENTRATING piece on the change in the wizards since Herr Salieri left on his fiery mule.
My favorite parts is when they talk about Michael Jordan rubbing kwame brown raw!!!!, and aslo how the "dark murals" have been removed from outside the locker room. Those dark murals were not just paintings my friends!!!
Preseason is coming to an end, and every credable sports annual and web site projects the wizards last ir near to it in the eastern conference.
The Oregonian aka "The Rashy Lady" newspaper braintrust suggests Gilbert Arenas is the worst free agent signing and that Kwame should put up or shut up!!!
Well, come back next week and see what we know that they dont when we give our informed incites and predictions for the season that bears down upon us like Jahidi on a naked and frightened Shia Laboeff!!!!!!!!!
The wizznutzz will be preapring for the season by slipping on our game-worn Greg Ballard shorts we got in bulk on ebay, crowding around a circuit city widescreen TV this saturday at 12 noon,. with a hot plate of Ken Beatrice Memorial Pom Noisettes and letting our imaginations seize us, watching the ESPN Classics rerun of the 1992 Bullets/Bulls game featuring Harvey Grant and AJ "Albert" English battling Micahel Jordan 10 years before his poisonous Salierous mission to DC!!!
James - 6:15 PM
GOD SIGHTED.
JAHIDI bleeds garlic sauce from eyes!
Preseason GOD SHAMGOD Updates!
As reported lasy year on wizznutzz.com, "The Shamgod" has become one of street balls most desirous maneuvers!!
Check it out here and here
And read the touching story about the white florida teen who calls himself "PALE RYDA" and uses the Shamgod to elicit comparisons to a young Clint Eastwood!
CHeck out the young musical group that goes by the name Shamgod to spread their "intellipoprock" message of faith and social aimlessness!!!
Read the beautiful poem God/SHamgod!!:
"HE'S AN INFAMOUS MARQUIS REJECT - BABY, BABY - A TYPE OF CUT IN GERM WEIGHT - BABY, BABY - DOROTHY'S DOG CONVERSES SUNDAY - SWEATING OUT PLASM - CUTS, HIS KENNEDY GODDESS OF WISDOM LIFELESS - LIKE A HE-MAN (GIST) "
So true!!!!! Thank the world for poets, and their oral traditions.
Poetry is tranquillity recollected in emotion, but TELL THAT TO THE ITALIAN FUTURISTS!!!!!!!!!
But we saved the best for last.
Last year we introduced you to a lovely creature that was rescued from the Abe Piollin InVitro Farm. You can see how he has flourished now that he can live his normal life, and not as a chromosomal whore for the cruel eugenic ways. See how shiny he is: CALBERT CHEANEY!!!
Well Calbert is about to have a new friend!!!
MEET SHAMGOD!!!!! aka "Black Limousine", long and black and shiny!!!
To call him deep-flanked, thick topped and scrotal maybe true but no words can describe the aroused-for-a-price majesty of this Gods creature!!!
Together these animals will find new fulfilling life on the Jarvis Hayes farm!
Yeah God Shamgod! If you let him, God Shamgod will change your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James - 5:56 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Wizards coach E Jordan is tired of "soft play." STACKHOUSE TELLS G-WIZZ SAME THING, ASKS TO FIRM UP, ADD MORE AIR TO SUIT, STOP WEARING MESH! "I don't want to accept soft play," mR. dR., jOrdan said. Jerjer Binkshouse was more forceful in demanding his partner's tumescence: "If you don't play hard, I'm taking the shiv! I will be out of your rotatingtion, and you will be left with G-Man, a more acrobatic partner to be sure, and he has two good muscular males knees, but doesn't my extra wide largesse count for something? That's what you whispered to me the other night, our 8th in the Carolina townhouse, your pointed nose tickling my ears and those floating stars around your head still smelling of love."
Who should StaCK love?
G-MAN
vs. G-Wiz
Here's Bangersandmash Jarvis Hayes' diary!
Mr. Hayes Bangers writes like he plays, with a long range. His nonsequiters are endearing!
"Crossing the border and going to Toronto was definitely different. It was my first time up in Canada and I thought it was a beautiful city."
CANADA IS A BEAUTIFUL CITY, JAR VIS! THAT's WHERE I IMMIGRATED TO WHEN I LEFT ROMANIA IN THE OIL ROOM OF THAT SEA FARING TANKER!!!
Yurgi - 7:05 AM
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
AP scoops Steve Wyche, for first interview with ABE POLLIN since asking Salieri to leave the circle of friendship!!
Its an OK piece. The best bit is when Abe says:
``I had made my decision ... and that was it,'' Pollin said. ``I felt by sticking to my decision, I would have less embarrassment for him because if I had made him lay out some of his plans that he had maybe in mind that he was going to do for the team, and then I would say, 'I'm not accepting them,' I thought I would hurt him worse. So I tried to be as gentle as I could with Michael because I have great respect for him.''
COnrad Bain was gentle to Todd Bridges, even if it meant hiding his rock pipe!!!
WHAT WE SAID THEN!!!!
James - 6:58 PM
Jerry Takes A Shiv
CLEVELAND, Oct. 22 -- Washington Wizards leading scorer Jerry Stackhouse came out of right knee surgery Tuesday with a less cluttered joint and an undetermined timetable as to when he'll be back on the court.
(read more...)
Jerry, if you wanted an "uncluttered joint", i know a DOCTOR WALLACE who is always taking new patients!!!!!!
Baldpatch Adams!!! :
Patients beware...laughter is contagious!
James - 6:47 PM
Happy 29th Brithday Jeff McInnis!! Wow how the years have flown by. It seems like just yesterday I was cheering your double pumping playground ways.
A special birthday card from all of us as wizznbutzz.com, especially the new guy from Finland: he picked the artwork because he thought it would remind you of growing up black in america!!
James - 3:35 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
OUR GOD IS STRONGER THAN THEIR GOD!!!!:
I myself elected today to exercise my option to touch myself expressivley and with purpose at the magnificent thought of Kwames rippling and furtive body continuing to matyure into manhood before my eyes!!!!!
James - 6:50 PM
Jerry STACK goes under the knife in New York today.
FLame retardant lifemate GWiz at his side, along with friends Howie Mandell and Ruth Ginsberg.
Wizznutzz sources uncovered the following from J STACKS medical file::
Doctors report that Jerry Has "Internal Derrangement"!!!!
Salieri's poison is strong!
Former bullet Rod STrickland knows your PAIN JSTack.
Lets go back in a wizznutzz time capsule to Friday, January 10, 2003:
A Cardinal SIn!! Good thing we have lorenzos oil in medical cabinet for one magic healing when the roster opens up a spot like a pair of lanced buttocks. Get well soon ROD. We obtained theis secret medical file from Rods procedure to clear him of infectious contusions to the buttocks at Mount Sabrett Hospital:
WHy is there a file of Chico DeBarge in there?
Rodrodrod dont get involved in the cycle of abuse. I can see the symptoms, of you severe stress reactions (vomit, anxiety, etc.), Social isolation, powerless and contuous HOPE! and severelky bruised buttocks.
Break cycle with Slef esteeM, or like GWiz, wear padded suit at all times to hide your shame and meat.
More Chondromalacia aka LADYS-KNEE respources:
here and here
Doctors all seem to agree that the best thing for jerrys future is to spend time in pools and other non weightbearing activities like rolling about on a pink bed in his pajamas reading teenbeat!!! I have seen the future Jerry and hisn najme is WES!!
But the future is also JARVIS HAYES!!!!!
James - 6:44 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003
Touching words from Captain Mitchell Butler!!!
BET head Robert Johnson took a few minutes out of his networks wall-to-wall KOBE coverage to hire his old friend and our old coach Bernie Butterstaffs!!!
AND I QUOTE!!!!
The 58-year Bickerstaff previously led turnarounds in Washington, Denver and Seattle.
"He has always been a type of person who has moved teams who are in worse shape, and improved them dramatically in a few years' time," Bobcats vice president Ed Tapscott said.
ED TAPSCOTT also said that he succesfully underwent a procedure last year to DRAMTICALLY extend the length of his penis from 3 to 3.5 inches!!!
The season nears! The wizznutzz redesign is just aboutready to insert itself inot the forgiving yet pliant folds of the world wide internet !!!!
Jerry Stackhouse skipped too much as a boy and now has shot his knee. Surgery tomorrow to evaluate extent of damage and the cause of mysterious vinyl-burn on inner calfs!!!!
WE FEAR J STACK will not play 40 games this year! Maybe never!!!
Womans hips beget womens knees STACK!!
Look at historys long line of strictly ballroom nancy-waists: Albert Belle, Lorenzo Williams, Bo jackson... sure they were lite on their feet but gravity always finds a way to extort a price!!!
Now you can spend more time doing whats most important to you: cashing abe pollins paychecks and giving it the poor, and also to the rich, and prancing like a nimble penguin on your feminine pelvis!!
James - 7:11 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Thanks you Mr. Darvin for the warm greeting. Warm isn't something I used to coming from ROMANIA (not Russia, though they did occupy us like Jahidi occupies a booth or two at Bends Childi Bowl for some 42 years, so no I not bitter about inglorious mistake, you Mr. Ham), but I thanks you anyways. Here is info on ROMANIA from the CIA, Mr. Darvin and I hopes enjoy you. Unlike like you knowledge, I think it highly accurate. And here what Library of Congress of U.S. of Native of America say about Romania. All info gathered during coldest war by top secret spy Nadia Comeneci!!! See her Unoffical Fan Page!! everything unoffical in deepest Romania!!)
Wizzards ore season and therefore season is like Cold War versus Wins!!! Eddie Jordans stumble offense is confusing but amusing!! We will wait this season of attrition out, however, defeat this ice of coldness until Kwame fires the last shot from the tunnel of love in the season's dying moments, clanking his ball off my beard but falling into my heart.
Breaking News straight from Czar of Post! Jer Jer Binks Stackhouse has "worn lining." Status of playing and chafing uncertain. It all because he wore boxers instead of Hidi Rugged Intimates!
Yurgi - 8:18 PM
AWESOME NILS LOFGREN INTERVIEW ON THE ORIGINS OF AWESOME "BULLETS FEVER" SONG:
AS: What made you write a song - "Bullet Fever'' - for the Washington Bullets?
NL: Back in '79, when the Bullets were making a run for the title they won, they were the last seed. Their first game, they beat Philly in overtime, and I was so inspired, I wrote this song at night at my rental home in Maryland. Went the next day and recorded it. I played all the...
CLick here for the rest~!!!
HEY Abe Pollin. A QUESTION FOR YOU:
we were so inspired the the Bullets, we made a circa 1993 Geocities Fansite.
We made Muresan heads Move!
We made A GarbOt 2000 out of former Sudanese military hardware and a boiled ham!
We get drunk in a rental house, for 8 days!
Where are our 4 years of season tickets!!!!!
Why are you only generous to Nils Lofgren and hundreds of young poor black sons that you "adopted" off the playground and thorugh your limosine doors?
Nils Lofgren Online!
James - 6:49 PM
Welcom YURGI! We love the Russian people. Your empire had some good ideas, like dogs in space and short life expectancy. It didnt work out, but now you casn join with us!!!!
Like this man SANGEET. It is YOU that will get Zapped Sangeet! 3 animated gifs and alot of zzzz's is a good start but the world moves fast and forward, and sleeping Sangeet catches no fish. As Comorade Lorenzo Williams famously found in a fortune cookie: Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Jimmy Oliver defeats HEMOFARM!!!! Hemophobe Oliver scores league high 31!!!
James - 6:36 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Buna ziua all of you people of Wizards fans!!! I am Yurgi Arginzoniz, from Romania, but you can call me Yurgi---or Balki, as Jarrko does---and I am also too intern for WizzNutzz this year. I hope to work with Jarrko very much and bring you updates and incites into the basket of balls. Even though Jarrko is pure blond and highly white and shaven pure and from the great north and partial to Steve Blake playing 40 minutes a game, I hope we get along. See, this what I look like:
Handsome, and professional, yes? Yes! Just like James and Christopher say in highly laughing interview!!! But I partial to Mr. Kwame and his professional manchildness and beautiful rubrics of moist flesh. And between my gypsy love of Mr. Kwame and elegant beard and sense of haberdashery (I known as a fashionistia in Bucharest!), the WizzNutzz knew they had very handsomebeautiful and perfect intern candidate.
For first incite I like promote the RETURN OF MITCHELL BUTLER from Yakima, Washington, and back to the Washington of the D.C., home of the bends chili bowl (which I found out last night!!!). And I like to for number two (chili bowl style! ha ha just kid, Romanian style!) promote article about Jarrko's desirous playmate Steve Blake and his needs to help Gilbert Aereolas in season this!!! Goulash!!!
Yurgi - 10:24 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003
Well Basketball sure has become an International sport, and is great to see that reflected in our interns, who we should all embrace so that they feel like one of us except foreign.
And so that leads me to a major incite about basketballs most physically and otherwsie ambitous internatrional characters:
Incite About Basketballs Most Physically and Otherwsie Ambitous International Characters
It was sad to note the passing into death of Bill Shoemaker , the 4'11 jockey who died yesterday doing what he loved: sleeping.
But the silver lining is that a great man is waiting in the wings to fit into the place that he once occupied, even if this great man has to fold himslef in half like a trapper keeper to occupy that space.
THE RUNNING OF THE BOLS
Manute Bol has announced that he will become a licensed jockey with the Indiana Horse Racing Commission to raise money for his war fondeled homeland of Sudan!!!!
This is such great news on aso many levels.
Level 1
It is a great story because Mantue Bol is an overcomer of odds and people love underdogs riding on horses.
Just look at Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit is a national treasure, but he will be put out to pasture by themlegend that Manute will prove.
Seabisacuit, say hello to ......."CHOCOLATE BISCOTTI"
You are never to far behind or to come back Chocolate Biscotti!!
And Manute can train on the Jarvis Hayes farm!!!!
Jarvis Hayes farm is the training home to many of the Michael Jordan Mules,
who may lack for speed and strength but msake up for it in naked obedience and fear.
I am sure that manute will be succesful in his new venture, if he brings even half the qualities to it that made him so beloved with the Washington Bullets:----- his big heart, and his comically misproportioned body!
Level 2
The sadder level.
Manute Bol has done everything a man can to help his war battered homeland.
He opened a cheaply furnished African restaurant and nightclub in the Adams Morgan area of Washington DC.
He fought the Refrigerator on national TV.
He placed his delicated frame on slippery ice.
And now hes going to saddle up for peace.
This pattern makes me worried. First of all I worry for Manutes delicate body, of course.
But mostly I worry for his self esteem.
As we have said before, Manute Bol is like the Sudan’s Muhammad Ali, but without the strength or integrity.
This is niot just our opinion.
Even his old friend Jim Lynam thinks so, as you can see in his amazon.com review of Manute: The Center of Two Worlds
I think that maybe Manute Bol is also the Sudanese Bob Geldof, but without the wealthy friends or integrity.
Because really, how much money could Manute have raised by selling a few hunbdred extra minor league hockey tickets? Sure, maybe he could buy the Sudanese Liberation Army a used Nissan Sentra, with Vanity "SDN RLZ" plates even, but if the US gave them 20 million dollars for non-lethal purposes, what difference do you feel you can make with your minstrell pleas?
Is is worth your self respect. It seems not. Are you a self-hating sudanese manute? We love you, and dont like to see you making an act out of yourself, unless you are doing so to win basketball games for us.
Even though it is funny in many mays to see you use your grotesquely distended limbs for antics usually reserved for regaulr sized people, it is also not funny after a while. Maybe this isnt about the sudan at all but about how you feel you need yto disprespect yourself to make others laugh, to be accepted. Maybe Manute was the kid in school who took 50 cents each from kids in the cafeteira to put a block of warm phily cream cheese down the front of his pants.
But anyway, this is still a happy moment i think for us all.
The CHOCOLOATE BISCOTTI can do what he sets his heart out to,
especially since the Racing Press and The Indiana Horse Racing Commission are DESIROUS to have a Mal-erected Dinkan jockey succeed!!!!
James - 7:22 PM
Happy to the Columbus Day from Jarrko of Finland! You americans are so dumb celebrating a man who didn't discover america!!!! America was discoverd way before columbus brought the euro flu here!! First you have the Natives who looked under their feet and saw America and FOUND. Then vikings were in america 500 years before Nina Pinta Santa Maria (who i watched on Spectravision last night!!!) and the Irish (i call em Celts) came to states 1000 years before that!!! But you take the day off anyway? I LOVE AMERICA!!!! Finland, goodbye! Lapland (right next to Bada Bing Club) HELLO!!!!!!
And because you have day off, do something productive!! Go to Wizards free scrimmage practice at 1p.m. today and witness patience!!!! RANDELL JACKSON may make appearance!!!! So might Jer Jer Binks Stinkhouse's knee and dislocated hip which is being analyzed by members of the L. Williams family!! DOCTOR WILLIAMS, TO YOU!!! I SEee you soon, Hidi!! Keep up the perfume fuel!!!
And here's something I never thought I'd see growing up in finalnd and dreaming of Bob Segar: Quotes from a ROdney Crowell song that Bob Segar sings to introduce a story about Big Ben The BODY Ventura Wallace!!! SEGAR is the WAY TO BRING RACES TOGETHER!!! Ive said that for years!!! TURN THE PAGE!!
Jarkko - 8:00 AM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Hi everyone, it's Christopher. It's exciting times around here at the WizzNutzz offices. We have a lot of interns coming in this fall. Yes, Dana and Ken promise to chime in now and then, but frankly we're not sure where they're at---mentally or physically (although I understand Ken still has less than 2% body fat). You've already met Jarkko Ruutu, our Finnish intern (he's enthusiastic, but you'll see, he knows ball) and you'll soon meet our Romanian intern, Yurgi Arginzoniz, a master of ball handling and insights into this great sport of basketball. Even though white people are ruining basketball for everyone, basketball is an international game, and the WizzNutzz have the international covered. We love to ruin it for everyone too.
CP - 10:31 PM
Jarkko wears investigative hat!!! Finds information!!! AND WHALE MEAT IN WIZZ LOCKER ROOM!!! Here's breaked news I finds!!! Gilbert Aereola wears lowcut shoes on court!!! BUT NOT BASKETBALL SHOES!!! He wear lowcut ROCKPORTS for added orthepedic comfort and additional ankle range!! Lorenzo williams recommends it sayings "see how it work for me at camp lorenzo!!!!" YES!!! ME TOO!!! I FINd You Jahidi and I grill you up with love and make perfume from your leftovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jarkko - 9:07 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
Hi It Jarkko!!! I watch preseason Wizzards game!! On 15 gins and tonics!! Someone lost and some one!!!! Jer Jer Binks Stinkhouse score nothing cuz his knee sore like a longterm project LORENZO WILLIAMS!!!! HE BE BACK!! Like nazi governor Schwartzenegat!!! I LOVE WHALE MEAT AND OXYCOtton!!!! rUSH LIMNBAUGH IS SO DAMN RIGHT!! LAPLAND I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jarkko - 11:50 PM
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Hi! My name is Jarkko Ruutu! I am Finish exachange student and new WizzNutzz intern who love the basketball sport of NBA! Finland is Scandanavian country and we have pro basket of balls but it no NBA compare!! HA HA!! Here Finland pro league info. Your favorite team Jyväskylä? Mine too! Not really!!! My favorirte team is Jyväskylä II!! Douche bag!! (Wizzntuzz team me swear words in Englandish!!) But I also love Porvoon Tarmo (but who don't? RIGHT !!! Maybe Yankeees of Finalnd!!!)
I one of many interns who bring knowledge and forgein thoughts to WizzNutsss in 2003-21005 season! I look forward to spill knowledge on you and yours douche bags!! HA HA! Oh, and I chaser not chub!! FINS LOVE WHALE MEAT!! Hidi AND Jarvis Bangers&Mash you are mine!!! Love, Jarkko!!!
Jarkko - 9:06 PM
So the Wiz looked pretty fleet of foot last night, with one glaring exception!!!:
The disgracefully thickset rookie Jarvis Hayes! jarvis is huge; hes has a ponderous profile, he's a STOUT BITCH!!!
WHile the Wizards were out there Getting the W, Jarvis was Gettin The Butter!!!!!
Dont believe me?
If the restless trail of garlic sauce and onions that he dragged behind him on the court wasnt ebnough to convince you, others have taken notice of our fat friend.
How did it come to be JAM-JARV?
The rookie himself, blames a fast food addiction, but I suspect thats not the full story.
I suspect one fo the follwing two things may be happening.
ONE
That Jarvis walked into the locker room during summer workouts and got one traumatic look at what a hulking and clearly naked Jahidi White was doing to poor little Steve Blake and decided on the spot that the Chubb, and NOT the Chaser, lifestyle was the one for him. It just became a question of whether Jarvis could gain enough weight before veterans reported and the intimate showers would begin.
TWO
Jarvis is Spending way too muich time pursuing his off-court passion: thats right, his very own working Beef and SHeep FARM!!!
Any good porkmonger knows, Jarvis, You dont get high on your own supply!
DInt you see that Movie "Babe"? Where the farmer says to Babe "That'll Do Pig". That'll Do" If your pigs could talk, your pigs would tell you the same advice, but pigs DONT TALK my portly friend. Except for that pig that Abe Pollin created in his In Vitro farm, but that a different kind of farm and all that pig would say was "Sweat Release" over and over as he nudged his head up against the bolt gun with all his frankenstine strength.
If any good comes out of this Jarvis it will be that you learn to take your conditioning seriously. And also the good that your mom will now have an easier time telling you apart from your twin brother Jonas.
On draft night your Mom said she only knew you apart because Jonas was the "better kisser", but now she can proudly identify you as the fat one that bought her a house!
James - 7:31 PM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
hi it's me DANA VON POST GAME CALL IN SHOW GIRL!!! BACk from chasing chico debarge acorss the united of states and the western plains all the way to the deepest part of chiapas mexico!!!!!!!!!!!! ken beatrice, my trusty kidnapped assistaNT and former famous host of sportstalk radio in DC before Steve Czban started calling people gay (WHO AREN'T NOT!!!), is now a revolutionary with the Zapatistas! He goes by the naME of Bandito Beatrice now, and he wears a handlebar mustache fashioned from yak wool and the the hairy skins of capitalist pigs!!!! Bandito Beatrice also wears an X of bullets across his chest and back, but he;s not allowed to have a gun because he has an itchy crotch and trigger finger! Senior Pancho our leader HATES the itchy trigger finger!!! SO DOES CHICO DEBARGE! I fired off a round or two BBY ACCIDENT and he HATED IT!!!
Ken Bandito bEATRICE and I will post notes and thought about the Wizz from time to time from here in the hills of Chiapas (in between raids on banks and multinational NAFTA corporations and such, natch!!!). But I understand that the WizzNutzz have a whole host of international interns brewing for the 2003-2004 season. I Just hope they can keep up the high qualty that me and Ken brought to the laptop!!! Viva La Revolution! Viva La Arenas!!! Viva La 8 Day Beach Rental!!! Viva La Out of Shape Draft Picks Not Named Hidi!!! Viva La Abe and His Invitro Farm in Prince George's County, which needs the economic injection!!! VIVA LA DANA!!!!!!!!!
Dana - 10:35 PM
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASKETBALL???!!
Oh what a night! The Wizards debut their new up-tempo offense vs Magic Lamp and the Knicks and right off the bat you could tell this is gonna be an improvement over last years "Even Gait Offense".
Thhheeeeeeeee......WIZARDS WIN!
Kwame steals from Sweetney! Kwame Blows layup! LAMPe fouls Kwame again! Kwame blows free throws!
O-Town, LBoogie, JStack all stepped it up. Even Urinetown, aka Mitchell Butler was back in his familiar form ...... like Herpes Simplex 3!!!!
Fantastic work all around.
And it must be extra sweet for Gilbert to get the W on a night when "Playful Guy"Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor of his olden-golden state: California.
Now when we play the Lakers in the NBA finals, Gov. Schwarzenegger and Mayor Anthony Williams can have one of those friendly gentlemen's bets: if the Wizards win, Arnold has to send Mayor Wiliiams 2 large California Pizza Kitchen pizzas! If Arnold wins, he gets to annex Gaithersburg!!!
James - 10:17 PM
Monday, October 06, 2003
SOme quality news to report as the Veterans aka Chris Whitney and Sister Christian report to CAmp!
First of all, did you all peep Gilbert Arenas aka O-Town in this months SLAM magazine????
Gilbert drops knowledge, and pants!
Best of all, lots of so-fresh big color glossys of OTown in a retro Bullets "0" jersey, looking sullen and suggestive!
Increase the Peace! Say no to bullets and handguns, or say no to them once the throwback jerseys are no longer popular with the little inner city kids with guns. Thanks Mister Pollin!
Heres a mos' blickityblack wallpaper of OTown for you to download and put on your computer to let the world know you say no and yes to bullets!
RObert Pack sighting! Pack is stepping it up. Pack isnt worried aboiut contracts and all that, he plays to win, BUT HE MOSTLY plays for FRee Gatorade and a TShirt!!!
Steve Wyche, the tireless beat repoorter for the POST, paints a touching portrait of the new budding relations between Kwame Brown and Jordon --- Eddie, NAY Michael.
Check out the first paragraph, and you can see why this portrait is painted in a paint called "Sherman Williams LOVE SUPREME Matt Primer"!!:
As Washington Wizards players left the basketball court at the College of Charleston after completing their first practice of the preseason today, third-year forward Kwame Brown sat with new coach Eddie Jordan at a table near the sideline. Their brief, private conversation ended with Jordan extending his fist and Brown doing the same until the two gently pounded knuckles.
"gently pounded knuckles"!!! Is that the New Windham Hill LP? or part of the E-Z-MOODZ Startbucks listening companion on heavy riotation at all Magic Johnson's Starbucks!!!
This new era is so great to see. EJ is tender, warm and paternal to his young fostered apprentice. Wheras MJ was hardhearted, virulent and paternal only to the bastard offspring he created with women opther than his wife like Karla Knapefell and Marla Maples!!!! Gently pounding knuckles ... if Salieri was in town, he would no doubt have called the both of them a pair of "Flaming Faggots."
Download the Kwame Wallpaper here, as pretend you are Eddie Jordan and tap knuckles with your machine and create love while at work!
James - 6:21 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
Where the HELL ARE THIE WIZZNUTZZZ??!!! We get asked this on the street everyday, and even though we hang out in the kind of places where people may ask you questions,... i forgot how to wirte a HWOLE SENTENCE!!!!
which means the season is upon us like the protein rich sweat of Jahidi White AKA HIDI DUBS!!!!
Check back monday, because Ive got a whole trunk of junk, links, pink bits, moistworks, news revues fiery attitudes.!!!
ALSO, wizznutzz has been silently undetgoing a MASSIVE REDIESIGN. GLOBAL GLOBAL GLOBAL... "the product" to be launched OPENING NIGHT!!!! A whole new look, same rank prose!
NEW INTERNS!!!! NEW INTERNS!!!! NEW INTERNS!!!! NEW INTERNS!!!!
from around the globe. A man goes only as far as his interns take him!
James - 7:00 PM
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
And some little links!:
Chris Whitney is back where he belongs! The final Bullet!! with his patented hands off approach to point guarding!!!
Welcome back to the moist fold CWHIT!
Allen Iverson wears Unseld delicates on the world stage!
More Bullets fly!! Calbert Cheaney lives another day! "terms of the deal were not released" Here are the terms of the deal. Warriors give Calbert $100 each time he smiles!!!
And Rod STrickland returns from TGI Fridays to find jerseys knicked, but half-smoke safe avoids detection. The Wizznutzz will make this story the centerpiece of our campaign for next season, so stay tuned!!!
James - 6:26 PM
Hey, thanks to "J" for visiting with the lonely but powerful GAR HEAR ROBOT:
j: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
Gar Heard: Really?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
j: What?
Gar Heard: I don't know what. Can you tell me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
j: Tijuana, the Mexican City. Have you been there?
Gar Heard: I am not your slave, do it your self.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
j: Who was your favorite player to coach on the Wizards
Gar Heard: Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
j: You coached Darvin Ham?
Gar Heard: me too. darvin is misunderstood.
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j: Gar, you are very crude software.
Gar Heard: Im swell! I miss my body though. Its in wes unselds basement.
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j: Is he eating it?
Gar Heard: i like bacon too. Especially with my ledell eackles cereal.
WHEN WIZZNUTZZ 2K4 debuts, look for a new enhanced GARBOT with new braintrust and words icluding "Stve Blkae" and "Unkempt"!!!!
James - 4:11 PM
Chris Webber's "Gangsta Gangsta" video here!!! (search under videos)
CWebb front. Front Webb, front!!
"Featuring LV"
CWebb used Abe Pollins money to buy the rights to Laid Back's "White Horse", money that could have gone to help built the security wall around Jerusalem!!!
The song should say "feat. APollin". or at least he could have made a video showing CWebb videotaping himself making out with Vlade DIvac in a wig and leaving the tape for an Abe Pollin lookalike to see as he comes out of the shower after a night dancing with Chico Debarge.
James - 1:13 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
SAY IT AINT SO KWAME!
I didnt believe it at first. but then two things in the story were so true, i had to face it:
1. "...failure to maintain a lane" SO TRUE
2. "He cooperated fully with everything," additionally SO TRUE
When i read those statements that so evoke the manchild it was like I was there. But I wasnt.
"....Brown, who had at least one other passenger in the vehicle...."
BUT WHO WAS?????
DANA?? KEN???!!!! TURN YOURSELFS IN!!!!!!!!
James - 7:06 PM
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Insidehoops.com calls Jarvis Hayes aka Bangers And Mash aka JarJar Links aka "The SHpeherd" a "DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"!!!.
We soo agreee with you insidehoops.com, JARV is a diamond, but whats so rough about NBA lottery picks?
WIZARDS SCHEDULE released!!!!.
We open in Chicago, where clubhouse general Kwame Brown will step it up 50% as he always does to vanquish his fierce roval Tyson Chandler.
Its time to separate the Manchild Men for the Manchild Children!!!!
WIZZNUTZZ PROFILE:
"AWESOME" ERNIE GRUNFELD!!!!!
"Ernie Grunfeld has a friendly, inviting mien!!!!! "
He keeps it smelling fresh, even when nature sometimes gets it wrong!!!!
DOnt take our word for it, people who like to read about smokers agree!!!
Heres a profile of Ernie Grunfeld!
Did we mention hes JEWISH???!!!! SO Jewish that hes in a Jewish Hall of Fame!!!!!
But being in a Hall fo Fame doesnt mean ernie has a big head, or a metaphorically big head at least.
Hes not afraind to wear popcorn vendor pants and mix it up with his "Funky Friend" and Former Bullet!!! Bernard King!!!
Best photos EVER here!!
The Ernie and Bernie SHow!!!
James - 6:46 PM
Monday, July 28, 2003
The WIZARDS ARE the ROCKETS OF THE EAST!!!!????
Thanks to Gilbert "I Call Him Gilby Franchise" Arenas!!! Only 1 week left until Mr Pollin's adoption papers clear, and unlike the Willis and Arnold thing, where he just took them off a basketball court into his limo and never looked back, this ones all-legal!!!!
Not in this wizznutzz life time have we beat our other teams on free-agency. Sure the other teams were the Nuggets and the Wizards of the West CLippers, but hes all ours!!!!
GOLDEN STATE: LOOOOOSERSS!!!!!
They begged gilbert to stay, they begged here, they begged here, they wrote a begging song here,
But GILBERT GOT GRAPE!!!! Whatever tha6t means!!!!
The winner takes it all!!!!! like ABBA says, Golden State Jestees!!!! We have left you singing like Benny:
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
That last paragraph i don't really understand, that kissing stuff, no wonder Gilbert left!!!
They say it was the wizards aggressive presentation that convinced Gilbert to choose DC. A Wizznutzz insider who witnessed this presentation told us it was a signature multimeda extravegance from the brilliant minds thjat brought us.....
the Jerry STackhouse Genome camapign!!!!!:
First Gilbert was taken into the MCI media center, where he was shown an unsettling video. The video was shots of Surfers and John denver and then quickly edited with images of lynchings and white police using power hoses on black people. The video went for about 4 hours, just like that, with a fax machine kind of noise going the whole time. They brought Gilbert lots of this drink that looked like cherry coolaid but smelled like moth balls.
Then Susan Omalley took Gilbert into her office, just the two of them for ten minutes. Susan was wearing some aggressive and form fitting QVC fashion pantsuit, I think it was ther "Jessica Holbrook Polished Cotton Floral Print Ankle Pants". Weird part was when she came out, the pattern looked different, like she was wearing the pants backward.
And then they brought out the bobbleheads. Thousands of them.
With the hair magic markered onto them you coukld hardlkey tell they used to be Ike Austin dolls.
Then Abe Pollin showed him sixty four million cans of tuna and said:
"Gilbert: we really want you hear, and if you want to be here, Ive got a Wizard who can turn fish into one dollar bills...."
Everybody clapped!!!!
James - 6:46 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Summer League Box SCores akimbo!!!
Kwame is hitting his stride! He saves his summer league energy till the crunch games later in the week because he like to step it up, as the teams new leader!
SOme WIZZNUTZZ EXCLUSIVES on the newest members of the Wizards family:
1. JARVIS HAYES
He's described as a young Mitch Richmond!!! If Wes wasn't currently passed out in a duck blind at this exclusive RESORT SPA, he would be looking to trade the young Mitch for the original, older Mitch!!
SOme things about Jarvis:
His favortie movie is Oceans Eleven
And in the offseason HE RUNS A BEEF AND SHEEP FARM!!!!
2. The UNSWEPT STEVE BLAKE
KISS STEVE BLAKE!!!!
Abe Pollin allegedly played this game for 11 hours the night before the draft. It left him mesmerized and Had to be talked out of taking Blake in the first round by Eddie Jordan and talked out from a closet by Susan OMalley
Here is Blakes UMD TERP site, and a fan site.
E-Jord says he wants to bring Blake along slowly at point because he wants to groom him.
He certainly does appear to be in need of grooming. His styles are feral and he has companions in chiggers and the like.
This reunion is far more nerve warcking for Juawanama Dixon that we could ever know because as Wizznutzz reported last year, JDix is phobic of germs and vigilant in his cleanliness. He carries his own roll of toilet paper and hates to share lotion with his ashy teammates and there "could-have-been-anywhere" hands.
Juan is reported to be working to modify an Antispetic Bacon Dispensor form his special line of sterile lifestyle aids to accomodate the willfull squalor that is his friend's 6 foot 3 unconventionally dreggy frame.
Here is a message board talking about JDix and Steve Blake aka FELIX AND OSCAR
One fella equates Juan to Pepe Sanchez. Other controversial insites include:
"Dixon will be a solid Chris Whitney-type in the NBA. He's waaaaaaay quicker than Randolph Childress."
and
"It's ridiculus to think steve blake is going to the NBA. ...he's not as good as Bobby Hurley was, and Hurley was BARELY a pro."
Its incredible that exchanges like that would never have been possible before the internet. It was a different world back then. A crueler one in my opinion.
James - 5:41 PM
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
The Summer of 2003 is all about nothing if not torpor and mischief, if not the restless ways under the offseason veil. The glorious deep-toned summer brings fresh trouble to the wizznutzz RAp Sheet:
FATHER OF THE YEAR Jerry Stackhouse grabbed a Hick Betty. She tried to evict J-Stack and his 47 children from a family weekend at ATlantic Beach. And now he is being accused of aggravating stuff. Obviously Ms Nagy seems to think that the Atlantic is still a principal slave route or the hillbillie would have realised that a small wide man in a big blue GWiz suit bobbing face down in the spa bath is a selling point for prospective renters.
Anyway, the people that were double booked to steal J.Stacks 40 sandy acres back had the folliwing to say, after he and his family had to spend the first night of their vacation in hotels paid for by Jerry Stackhouse himself:
"We were miserable last night," Henicheck said. "When you've been planning a vacation for a year and then something like this happens. . . . I didn't want him to put us up. I wanted to start my vacation. I can't find words to describe what he did to us."
Ive got some words to describe it Heiniechuck:
"Father of Year comps ungrateful racists." and some more words: "Oh, Horror, the horror of the worlds uneasy hallucinations, I died a miniature death"
Speaking of miniature deaths:
New York KNICKS STANBDOUT Tyrone Nesby was runner up for Father of The Year!!!! He lost points late in the competition when judges asked his son to write a poem proudly describing his father and the following was tendered......
Chrius Webber, Black Jesus in crutches and a dark summer suit, made his way into the roman court at Pungentia Convivum and martyred himself, so that his father Mace could walk free.
Even though CWebb will avoid jail, he cannot avoid the disgrace of a father who needs his son to bail him out.
To Mace the wizznutzz say faceitiously:
"Nebuchadrezzar Mace, Nebuchadrezzar!!!" from the Hebrew "May (the god) Nabu protect the son," or "May Nabu protect the boundary."
But we styill love you MACE, your tight: thats why we protested on your behalf for a year (see the pictures!!).
Why havent we signed PLaron Profit YET!!!!!! Will someone PLEASE tell me???
James - 3:56 PM
Friday, July 11, 2003
Breaking news, if not for lamentable technology of wizznutzz.com!!!
Summer league drama!!!!!! aka JUNKYARD WARS!!!
The Wizards played their first summer league game and the resultds proive what we already know: that this will be one entertaining season!! Tis oine had it all: reuniting 2 former Terps teammates who are undersized, were overdrafted and can't shoot from the ouside:
Steve Blake, the whiter of the two, went 0 for 8 with no points and No boards in a game high 34 minutes. Juan was 3 for 13 and Kwame had eight turnovers!!!
We could have taken Keith Bogans over Blake, and sure Bogans has been avergaing 20 a game, but this is just summer ball, and when it comes time to feed turkeys to the frail and read books to the twitching little freaks, who you gonna call? Keith Bogans? I say not.
More summer league links!:
Ike Austin sighting!!! Besides at the Potomac Mills where on Tuesdays he runs a Ike Austin CheeseBoot outlet out of a sepcially modified Sunglasses Hut mall-cart.
Ike posted real minutes for the Dallas Mavericks!!! So did Brian Cardinal
Mitchell Butler lights it up!! So does Tracy Murray!! Wow, Summer is the best.
James - 4:30 PM
Monday, July 07, 2003
goddam blogger.com is killing this wizznutzz franchise!!!!! Email blogger.com and says: "We want our wizznutzz incites timely and now!!" Even moistest milquetoast goes stale eventually.
it took us 2 weeks to publish this last post but check it out!!! WIzznutzz predicted the 2003 wizards draft!!
LOTS more to come, now that we are no longer betrayed by Salieri and blogger.com. Stay tuned!
James - 7:02 PM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
dog days of summer for the wizznutzz. its hard to sleep with a police scanner on. the weather is purposeful and brooding and hangs about like Ike Austin at a wild world wave pool. We have lost most of our offseason interns to more attractive summer jobs at rthe Charles Oakley carwash.
the draft is tonight.
But first, check out T-NESand Kid Rock!!!!
Then crawl inside the turgid mind of tyrone lue:
My grandpa told me that you are not a real man until you get a Mercedes Benz and a pair of gator shoes, and I accomplished both of those
And that my friends is the problem with this franchise in a nutshell. The team is stocked with players who have accomplished there gator shoes. They are no longer desirous, curious and probing. They are wearing gator shoes in the eazy life. Sure mybe id feel different if I had gator shoes of my own but i think the reaosn patrcik ewing types of the old days were so vigilant about raising there game is because he never got his baked beans, but only the dream of the beans. Boy how he dreamt of those beans, and even if they never come, he wont complain, he will just look at his life honestly and say: "My names Patrick. DO you have beans for us to share?"
You know what im saying, i dont need to spell it out.
But so who will the wizards draft this year, and what will there dreams be?
It unsettles us all to read the phrase:
Wizards' Brain Trust Ponders Draft Options
Especially since t2 members of this braintrust are soon toi be fired friends of micahel jordan, and the other, Air Brimley Wes UNseld is about to slip on a pair of orthapedic gator shoes and crawl into the sunset, satisfied witha craeer as a Master Sargeant for the leaky USS YESMAN.
I hear that Jerry West wants Michael Pietrus, the real LeBron, Le LeBron. Just take him then. even though jerry is probably grifting the ever gulliublke Wes.
Knowing the wizards we will draft Michael Sweetney, who will be ok i think, and instantly our biggest paint player, and Steve Blake, cause they were on TV alot. And i mean steve blake in the FIRST round mind you.
Getting a pert young chaser like Steve Blake would also sooth Jahidi White and make him more comfortablke with losing his job to M Sweets.
The wizznutzz dont dare make predictions but here are the players we stringly advise the wizards braintrust NOT to pass on if they are available:
Kirk Heinrich, TJ Ford, and maybe the guy Maciej Lampe cause people say hes good, especially those that have seen him.
But this draft has Jarvis Hayes written all over it, because in wes unsleds cloudy braintrust, th name "Jarvis" sure does sound like "Pervis" doesnt it?
Gosh, alot on the line for the wizards. BRuss kindly has turned in his togs, and 1.5 million. Micahel Jordsan is already hated in Miluakee, but lets hope Salieri is successful in hius ways because he will let us take Ernie Grunfeld of his hands for a compensation package of Bobby SImmons and a dicorced white woman from Takoma Park.
I think our draft apparoahch should be two-pronged.
First round, trade Jared Jeffrieds and Stackhouse to Toronto and with the 4th pick , take the sleeper Big Man Peter Mayhew.
Thsi guy is out of this world athletic and tall, and will bring a whole new costumed fan base to the games.
With our second pick, we take Luke Walton, who they call MISTER INTANGIBLES. and we make MR INTANGIBLES President of Basketball Operations, and a braintrust unto hisself. That way Bill Walton, mister MANDIBLES and MIXED METAPHORS will lay superlatives all over the place likle
WALTON: Buckhantz, if im not mistaken, T Lue now has 3 assists.,.This must be one of the greatest performanbces ever by a basketball player anywhere in the world. A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit"
BUCKHANTZ: "DAGGER!!!!!!"
One can but dream of such a place, safe, with Kwame there under crown and with his salad dressing in a row.
ANyway, Im off, i cant bear the tension. Im gonna skip the draft and go see the new Jason Robards disney film "Mr Intangibles Returns"
James - 7:05 PM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
I fear this may be my last post. Dana has taken me south of the border, to a town she is calling "Debarge" but which I swear is Tijuana because of all the whores and tequilla and signs that say "Tijuana." We are to meet some people later who swear they will take us out to the desert, as long as we bring all our valuables, and show us where "El Debarge" is hiding out. I keep telling Dana this is the wrong Debarge, and that it's Chico we are looking for, but she will hear none of it. "EL DEBARGE EL DEBARGE EL DEBARGE EDDIE DEBARTOLO ED BRADLEY ED KOCH ED WOOD ED ED EDEEDDDDD" is all she'll say, or spray, as the white foam that has permanently formed around her mouth often gets in the way of her enunciation.
I found this excellent article in the Washington Post about the Downfall of Salieri's Wizards. I think this is the most touching, and sad, part of the article:
"I want some popcorn," Kwame Brown was saying from his own folding chair across the locker room, talking to no one in particular, talking to air.
Kw. Brown talking to the air, mumbling about popcorn, scrunched up in a folding chair? How far has this beautiful, pliant, manchild fallen under the hideous clutches of Coach Phantom and Salieri the Berater? It's too sad to behold, to comprend, to mull over, to moist over. Let it go, let it go....
Ken - 7:54 PM
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
its great to hear from you ken, even though the circumstances are less than favorable. still, with ken, no news is bad news.
Anyway, we still need a coach and a GM and a preisdent of basket ball operations and someone to work the pump on GWizs mascot corrective girdle, after Larry Brown laughed at our offer to do all 4 of these and play some point. I say sure, LArry Brown has some credibility, by why waste time with him when you can have a yesman and homer in the class of Len Elmore!!:
The Washington Wizards interviewed former Maryland star Len Elmore yesterday for their president of basketball operations vacancy
Elmore was drafted by Pollin's Washington Bullets with their first-round pick in the 1974 draft
Elmore, 50, has had no front-office or coaching experience. He is a respected television analyst, lawyer and business executive.
Elmore, a former player agent who runs Test University, an Internet-based, standardized-test preparation company in New York for middle school and high school students, has told associates he is very interested in joining an NBA team's front office.
Thjats my ABE!
But Wes aka Smithers Unseld isnt going to like this!! Only WES knows how to bring Abe the fibrous cocoa white and bitter the way he likes it.
Len Elmore is Debra Norville. Some knickers are gonna get knotted and I bet they are XXXL.!! What with Lens newfangled modern ways of using Flash cards and number 2 pencils during timeouts.
But Lens got some competition, Rick Carlisle!!!
Despite his success in Detroit, the Pistons fired him because of a supposed rift between him and ownership and some players.
Hes like Doug Collins and Jordan rolled into one!
A rumour has circulated around town of a sort of Underground Railroad that has been operating under the MCI center for a few years. Rip Hamilton ha already been led safely to the north , thanks to the courageous works of Keith Tubbman, Harriet's Great Great Grandson, and my feeling is the railroad is gonna start running express know that the knew tobacco seeds have been ordered.
The is only one man who can save us from all this. The Wizznutzz official choice for President of Basketball Operations and Minister for Culture:
KEN REEVES!!!!!<
Ken is a players coach. He was with the Bulls way before Jordan. He likes nothing more than to get into sweats, just like his players, and he always takes a personal interest in his de facto paternal responsibilities off the court. He doesnt drive mules, he makes men!
Like If Jahidi's cousin gets shot by the mexican gang, Ken could convince Jahidi to be a bigger man and not escalate things.
Or when Jerry Stackhouse finally revels that he cant read or write, Ken will persoanlly put in the extra hours to team him.
Every practice owuld be a "very special practice", every game, a life lived unto itself
Plus, the White Shadow is personal frtiends with Jimmy Walker, Ella Fitzgerald!! and Shavar Ross,
yes THAT Shavar Ross, aka Dudley from Different Strokes, aka BLACK JESUS and we need Dudley more than ever, to forgive Abe "Mr Drummond" Pollin, for the whole Trazan thing(*), so Abe can learn to love the black man for more than just his supple thighs and powers in the paint, and so Abe can finally stop blaming black america for killing his friend Mister Rabin, and we can all develop like the figurative buttocks of manchild supreme Kwame Brown.
We want Ken Reeves!!!
AND espn endorse this pick!!!
(*)
#115. The Bicycle Man (Part 2) (02/12/83 - #517)
Arnold and Dudley's "friendship" with a local merchant reaches a dangerous turning point when, unbeknownst to the boys, the man, who is actually a child molester, is about to make his move.
Cast: Conrad Bain, Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, and Dana Plato
Guest Stars: Gordon Jump as Mr. Horton, Shavar Ross as Dudley, Le Tari as Ted Ramsey, and Brad Trumbull as Detective Simpson
James - 7:20 PM
Monday, June 02, 2003
Hey everyoen, i'm weary and tire.d.. dana has been driving us for days on end,..the chatter from that woman is nonstop and highpitched and she wont stop crying then laughing and debarging. i dont' know to escsape. i'm ascared.
But i don't want to let my wizznutz reader(s) down and so i link and post this: from our pal Terry Foster of the Det news on why Pistons fired Rick Carlysieiey in favor of Larry Brown:
"The Pistons were afraid they would end up going down the same path this organization went with Doug Collins. If you remember, the Pistons kept Collins as coach despite consecutive playoff appearances and 100 victories in two seasons. The Pistons should have moved on. Instead, Collins set back the franchise so far that only now is it coming out of the mess."
Sound familiar?
I hope to post again soon. While the southwest is nice this time of year, I need to find a police station before we get to the border.
Ken - 6:52 AM
Friday, May 30, 2003
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
Coach Collins is OUT!
MJs mature white companion is no more. KwameKiller To spend time ruining his GAY SONs life for a change!!!!
Kwames skin shows unprecedented imrpovement!!!!
Larry Brown being pursued by Mr Drummond like a white Dudley!!!!
Brown Don't Frown! Brown Don't Frown! The Browns, Larry and Kwame. Kwame means "Saturday" Larry means "Play Hard Get Rewarded with SMiles and BACON!"
David Aldridge is working the phones, and tries to sort out the coaching vacancies, and goes stark raving mad on the way:
Magic Johnson takes over the Wizards operations??!!!!
Im sorry David "I Put the Black Thang in Black Thanksgiving" Aldridge, but MJ RELOADED is TOO BLACK!! TOO STRONG!!! for Abe The House Elf!!!
A house elf needs a house negro ergo Jordan and a house negro needs a a house master ergo Collins. Its not racist,, or descriptive! Its historical. Abe is threatened by the black man, or those he cant legally adopt. And no Lebanese in front office too!!! Abe Pollin needs to conduct a critical self inventory. Cornell West was in the Matrix for the Sake of Remus!!!! Welcome to the 1980s Norman Lear@!!!!!
Sally Jenkins talks about how great Larry Brown is , and how the franchise needs to thrust aggresively into the fleshy discrod like PORN Star Rod Thorn
Meanwhile, MJ wants to buy $50 million dollars worth of Miluakees FInest Mules. For 50 million he shoulld just Buy Sam Cassell and keep him at home. They could grow old together and Saileri could slap of Van Exel on his old bald head like black narcissist Benny Hill and tease him with clever names like "Van Excellent!!"
And Jahidi Walks Free!!!! Thanks for the thousands who particpated in Jahidi Thongs For Freedom Day worldwide!!!!
And Chris Webber's AUnt walks free too!! Though she says she would have raped U.S. District Judge Nancy Edmunds if she had known how much turmoil this was all going to be.
James - 3:54 PM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Big night for the wizards franchise tonight. the draft lotterry!!!!
Heres espns mock draft (click on "Lebron Mock Draft")
and here is nbadraft.net's!!!
I gotta say Abe "MR DRUMMOND" Pollinl,, 14 ping pong balls in 1000 aint easy odds. This isnt like picking a couple a black sons out of a housing project!!!
But if we dont go top 3, theres plenty of cunning talent set against a backdrob of INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE!!!
Knowing Abe and Wes "Breaker Morant" Unseld, the wizards will take home court talent in Mike Sweetney, who at 6-8 would instantly be our most imposing center.
Or will it be Michael Pietrus, "NBA Comparison: Fred Jones (more height, less skills)"???
WHo is Fred "are you my mother" Jones you ask?
Who cares! Hes a real frenchman, a French-LeBron, the "Le LeBronBron"!!!
That would set the stage for an international flavour unprescedented since gheorge Muresan's days.
Will Michael help Ike Austin develop new markets and serving suggestions for the Ike Austin CheeseBoot?
Speaking of cheese, Will Kwame drop his boycott of "surrender dressing" and embrace his fellow-foreskinned compatriot?
Will ESPN page 2 hacks make jokes about the French's ability to "take a charge"!
Its Foregone! Foreskinned, Hilarity!!!
WHiule you wait, go read about how the draft lottery is fixed, from our friends at SPortsfan magazine!!!! Powerful reporting! Purposefull incites! Prescient realism!! Pert spelling!!
James - 6:58 PM
Friday, May 16, 2003
TONIGHT, ON A VERY SPECIAL WIZZNUTZZ......
James asked me to post this for him!!! Thanks for thoughs james!! Keep on believin!!!
25 years ago, I was a happy inncoent 8 year old kid, full of promise, full of dreams.
I was Happily looking forward to my first kiss. My dream was to be race car driver, or at least a bank manger with a trendy Mazda.
And I decided that when I grew I would eat bacon every single day. SO silly!! (but u know how kids are!!)
And then I turned on the TV one night to see my first game of professional basketball. It just happened to be the final game of the 1978 finals!!!
I had never seen basketball before, but all these tall hairy men, in little shorts, with the red and white shirts on were so happy, they were dancing around and hugging each other. Black dudes hugging white dudes..
And while I was too young to know exactly what it was I was seeing , I did know that I wanted to be a part of this magic FOREVER, that THIS, THIS is what I wanted to do with my life .
Now 25 years have gone by, it’s a time for reflection,
I am not a race car driver, or a bank manager, I don’t really even have a job. I still haven't "technically" kissed a girl.
And I certainly havnt experienced that joy that I witnessed that day 25 years ago.
In fact, except for the thing about eating the bacon, not a single one of my young dreams came true.
Instead, Im a 33 yr old man who runs a website called “Wizznutzz” dedicated to aging and failed bullets castoffs, like Randell Jackson and the perverse manute bol.
I hang out in TGI Fridays parking lots hoping to catch a glimpse of Rod Strickland and his drunk buddies.
When I think about it, I realize that Wizznutzz.com is actually a celebration of the failure of my dreams,
savoring every over broken hope and miscue like week-old bacon.
AND You know what?, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Few of us have the courage to face the things a wizards/bullets fan faces. ANd face them with such pliant vigor. Its not just a basketball team. But Its about life too.
SO i would like to dedicate this ode that I read on worldwide radio last month to the Wzznutzz out there. KEEP ON BELIEVIN IS RIGHT.
ODE:
The story of the Wizrads fan
Isn’t one about glory,
it isn't a story about and triumph and trophies,
pedastals and parades.
But It’s a story about pushing open the very heavy, groaning doorway that is life,
And for all your flaws and failings, once again throwing yourself back through it.
It is about the raw flesh of desire growing together with the courage of struggle
It’s a story about finding ones way, and finding oneself.
It’s a story about medical marijuana and plantar fascitis,
about a man named Jerry, and his flame-retardant lifemate, and static electricity.
It’s a story about destiny and the redemptive power of the halfsmoke
It is a story about overcoming odds,
but mostly,
It is a story about not overcoming odds.
HAVE A GREAT OFFSEASON TEAM!!@!!!
And stay tuned to us cause the wizznutzz have big plans for top to bottom!
--------------------
Thanks James! and if you really want to keep ON BELIEVIN, go here to get your strength back and moisten that which has run dry...(turn up the sound!!)
In quiet linking:
With Salieri out of the court, it is no suprise that Bach should show solidarity and walk.
Bob Johnson, the Black Michael Wilbon, wants Sally all for hinmself
But so does Mr Drummond Junior!! Learn from thy father!
lAs for the lottery odds, check em out here! When it rains it pours: The wizards lost the tiebreaker with New York!!
we will have lots of lottery stuff soon!!! we have scouts! we dont know where they are, since they fled our offices in disturbing fashion, but we trust they are wroking hard. Ort at least alive!
James - 7:02 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2003
This quote is from our favorite Oriole, the oft injured Jay "Choppers" Gibbons:
"I'm totally healthy, but I have a completely different body. I'll be fine. I just have to get used to it."
THAT'S WHAT WE KEEP TELLING KWAME, THE SUPPLEST MANCHILD IN WIZZDUM!!! NEVER STOP LOOKING AT THE CHANGES, CHARTING THE CHANGES, AND ADMIRING THE CHANGES IN YOUR BODY!!! PLIANCY IS FOR EVERYONE!!!
Ken - 7:53 AM
Friday, May 09, 2003
a FRESH INCITE:
Abe Pollin may run his franchises like a economically insolvent plantation, but he is NO racist! He has a lieutenant, who is not only black, but threateningly so! He also has a female lietenant Susan "Sally Hennings" O'Malley, who, though not black is a woman, and as Dana pointed out, "WOmen are the New Blacks".
And Micahel Jordan can never be the victim of white racism, because he is the 100% creation of the middle-class, suburban , soft on the edges white men like Michael WIlbon. They envy him his sports cars and low body fat index, his cigars, his golf games, his VIP steak meals, his mistress, his gamblers pockets, his disdain for his children. He is every suburban american mans escape fantasy/. They made Him. He IS them.
The cul-de-sacs and minivans stink of this Frankenstinian arrangement!
He will return to them in his musty sac, playing his ocarina. They will protect him at all costs!!!!
NOT AS FRESH :
Is this incite:
Abe Pollin didnt use Salieri. AT worst it was a faustian exchange. AT best, Anti-Semite Salieri USED Abe Pollin, used his franchise for his vaiglorious victory lap, brought in his old yes men and retarded the flourishing nubile softness of the developing young squad. Acrimony, adultry followed. STackhouse sought comfort in his flame retardant lifemate GWiz and it was all Kwame Brown could do to stop from climnbing inside his foreskin and hiding from the world.
REMEMBER TO BREATH
James - 6:58 PM
SO the world is finally listening to the wizznutzz views reviews fiery attitudes! we give a critical self-inventory, of others --here!!. daily!
And The media has taken notice:
SPortsfanmagazine.com has reporodcued our cutting incites
Award winning SPorts fan magazine , the Esquire of Green Turtle toilets, has paid us great respects before, like in their superwritten superfan profile.
Thanks again guys!! And all of you wizznutzz loyals, out of your mothering huts everywhere and go check out sportsfanmagazine.com and dotcurbsides whenever possible.
Dirty Uncle Pete Sweigarrd (in the Mike Mussina mask), is a FOW, Friend Of Wizznutzz, stopped by to chat with our GarBot2000 a few months ago, and for the first time we bring you the stirring communication, of 2 great minds locked in a profound shindy and / or intercourse:
Pete: When I say Wizznutzz what comes to mind?
GarBot: eat ass
Pete: Have you met the real Gar Heard?
GarBot: Im swell I miss my body though. Its in wes unselds basement
Pete: When you're alone at night is it Susan O'Malley who your thinking of when crying into your pillow?
GarBot: Who is your favourite player ?
Pete: we seem to be having a communication problem
GarBot: No I think you have a communication problem
Pete: good. my fav is A.I.
GarBot: That's good. Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young. I could kick your ass. You remind me of Ledell Eackles. I kicked his ass too.
Pete: I heard you licked Ledell Eackles ass
GarBot: piss off you rat bastard. Ill send sheed and the boys around.
Pete: could GarHeard2000 have managed better than Doug Collins?
GarBot: Remember things are never so bad that they can't get worse. But seriously is there any way I can help your day go better ?
Pete: nope
GarBot: I disagree
Pete: could you kick Doug Collins ass or would you have Sheed do it?
GarBot: Doug seems to know what he is doing. But he is so pasty. Human What is it like to be pasty ?
Pete: It's not so bad. As long as you have a robot around to talk to.
GarBot: Stop tell me I am a boy. I am a computer program so. stop calling me boy Yes I know that you are speaking to me .
Pete: I didn't call you boy
GarBot: I know you are a loony
Pete: I'm just envious of your quick responses to my queries
GarBot: Oh really ?
Pete: yup
GarBot: Ask me something else little whore
Pete: Gar, like I said before, this isn't Susan O'Malley
GarBot: Take off your panties
Pete: OK I'm out. nice talking to you
GarBot: What are you talking about Is that you Lorenzo?
REAL conversations of the resentful and vinegary GarBot2000!!! Have your own! Send them to us!
James - 6:38 PM
Washignton Wizzards fired Illinois-based executive Michael Saleri Jordan!!! NEws at 11!! 10 pm central time, where me and Dana are!!!
John Thompson alleges racial bias on his radio show!!!! Salieri's awful performance as an executive not withstanding!!! And Michael Black thanksgiving Wilbon implies racial bias, and tells the Orangeman Tony "I Used to Be a Writer, Now I Hack" Kornheiser that this decision falls on racial lines!!! Wes Unseld's longtime running this franchise into the ground not withstanding!!!! SAleri was also fired because under that duct tape, he's a woman!!!!! MR. Drummon doesn't like non-Males either, which is why Susan Omalley has been packing up and acting like a man all these years!!! "HER" SKIRT, "HER" RULES!!!! Meanwhile, a very perceptive and perturbed Dr. Sally Jenkins says calls Thompson and Wilbon both bozos!!!
For a blow by blow of the legendary meeting according to friends of associates of cousins of Teddy E-mail, look at this story!!! Then look at our quotes from the meeting, taken from a hidden Microphone the WizzNutzz hid in Tedd Leonsis' midsection!!! (How did Christopehr and James do it? That's for them to know, and Mr. Leonsis' surgeon to find out!!!)
Saleiri said to Mr Drummonds Poloin, " You damn Doby the House Elf, why don't you just build some Fanny Mae houses and help some poor people, you senile old coot!! And put on some pants!!!!"
Mr. Montgomery Burns Drummond Polin said to SAlieri, "Why don't you just go to Charlotte and make that expansion franchise a playoff contender in 3 years, you extremely well paid but hardly endowed man, while I will run this team until I'm 105 and I will hire more competnat people like Gar Heard Robot and will miss the playoffs for 26 more years? Hmmm? Hmmmm? HMMMMM??? "
And Mr Teddy Email says to no one in particular, "I still respect you, bacon."
Mr. Thomas Boseewlell calls for Abe to Sell the team, as does our Main Fellow David Aldridge, which we WizzNutzz would agree with were we not about self-preservation!! THAt is, if me and Dana ever make it back to Wizz Central!!! I feel like this trip is gonna end like Badlands, with me in the Sissy Spacek role! But the Wizznutzz never want honest Abe to sell, even though it might bring a winner here. WHy? What would the Wizznutzz be without 10 day contracts, non-playoff seasons, Jimmy Lynham/Gar Heard/Leonard Hamilton/Phantom Collins, Kw. Brown, and the loss of Ben Wallace/Chris Webber/Sheed Wallace/Rip Hamilton/Randell Jackson? WE'd be nowhere, instead of being number one in yourr hearts!!!! So Abe, keep running the team like it's a family. Keep hiring incompetant people that you fall in love with on the first date. Keep overpaying old and crusty players that you traded for younger, more nubile and pliant players. Keep treating the team like a broken down old mare (not like a Jordan Mule), one that just needs a bed of hay, not a waterbed of moisture, one that needs to travel in a cart behind a piuckup, not on a personal jet with beverages. Please keep giving the Caps the shaft at the MCI Center, and please keep screaming down the greatest player ever. Why? BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR KWAME AND WE LOVE OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken - 12:07 AM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
FROG DUMPS PRINCESS!!!
Salieri leaves the wizards, angry and in a hurry!
As promised here are some incites into the maelstrom of emotions and power that have been taking place. Everybody has incites right now, but we promise we don’t use the phrase “scratch an itch” once in ours!!!!
But instead original phrases such as “I still respect you bacon”
First of all I admit I thought Mister Jordan would be coming back myself. For he is a ruthless winner and insuffereble loser and one of the ways he wins so much is just to keep playing until he comes out on top, as witnessed in an article last year which described an incident after a wizards practice where he proved to RIP Hamilton in a spirited shooting contest gone sour, that he is a competitor but not a player and that he couldnt posses the secret of joy if it crawled up to his door step in a Joy State sweatshirt.
He just wants to keep shooting. He would cut off his nose to win a nose-cutting contest.
Well you got your two free throws Sally, 2001, and 2002. You have to get back to the line the old fashioned way now like everyone else.
INCITE NUMBER 1:
And I was sure Salieri was going to stay because he wants to be an executive, learn all about the internet business from Teddy Leonsis,
and he knows all along his only ace in his sleeve is his Marketing and Cultural status, and he can use that as leverage but at some point he cant use it forever because it is not a real thing but an Idea only, and like a museum is full of carefully situated memories and phantom traces that can only be curated and restored. And Business models like cocacola and The Ikeaustin Cheeseboot™ can’t run on ideas alone!!.
It’s a fine line, and at stake is the worlds greatest ego and a below-average peenie!!!
But I was so very wrong.This was Sallys last dance.
Master Collins is now sure go. Rod Higgins too.
And Mrs Garrett aka Wes Unsled aka Breaker Morant is ailing from heartbreak.
No one is in charge!!!
INCITE NUMBER 2:
Its power vacuums like this that lead to the unthinkable, like Nazis and Rod Strickland!
Bullets exile Randell Jackson has been seen around MCI procaliming himself “Mayor” of the wizards though the Pollin Administraion refuses to recognise him.
COUNTER INCITE:
Abe Pollin has now let go troublemakers Michael Jordan, Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace, Ben Wallace…. And in there place welcomed pacifist standounts into the fold like Tyronne Nesby, Popeye Jones, Rod Strickland and Mayor Jackson. ANd he milked Michaels fame like green milk from a black cow, very cold and un-Yitzhak Rabin-like !!!!
THE MEETING
The meeting of Ted Leonsis, Michael Jordan and Abe Pollin, must have been one heck of a meeting. But it seems like it was pretty quick. Like this maybe:
ABE POLLIN: “I still respect you michael”
JORDAN: “I still respect your mister pollin”
TED LEONSIS: “I still respect you, bacon”
BIG WORD NUMBER 1:
Jordan left angry and in a hurry.
Jordan was many things to the NBA.
To the Wizards he was a Revenant, a french word for which there is no adequate translation, but basically means:
One who returns after death (as a ghost) or after a long absence.
But it means more than that really, it means being:
Out of touch like an expatriate, stubborn and overstaying like an apparition.
Salieri’s tale was a tale that was repeating itself, of somebody with a storied past striving to return. In such a story , there are repetitions of content, repetitions of earlier modes of adaptation, and repetitions of derivatives of loss and return.
He even scouted from the past, collecting “competitive” sidekicks and Yes-men whose wills were easily broken and could take a licking a come back for more.
BIG WORD NUMBER 2:
For Abe Pollin, facing his own mortality, this was just too haunting.
One of our Australian interns “Gnotuk Flower Girl” writes with keen perceptions, and called Abe Pollin :
Antedeluvian , which means “before the flood (as in before Noahs' Ark)”.
He is old fashioned as they come.
I cant help but think, If Abe Pollin did build an arc, it would be great too see who he would choose:
2 Mitch Kupchecks? Two Greg Ballards? Two of Wes for sure.
And two Susan O’Malleys in a cruel eugenic project to keep the human race alive.
Antedeluvian sounds like Abe Pollin too, and means like Mister Drummond
Michael Mann WIlbon is not gonna be happy
So much drama in the MCI!
James - 5:28 PM
BREAKING NEWS!!!! HEARD HEAR FIRST!!! ON THE RADIO!
Wizznutzz report that Michael Jordan is NOT coming back!!!! Hes one the RedLine to SHady Grove as we speak!!
Woaw! Stay tuned here for incites!!
James - 12:37 PM
Monday, May 05, 2003
THE RIFT WIDENS!!!
No, that's not what Dana's prom date said to her after three vodka/tonics, it's what's happening in WizzLand!! MY SOARCES ARE COMING TO FRUITION, AND SO ARE MY LOINS!!!
Put on your seatbelts, and strap in for more Links than the last three Legend of Zeldas combined!
Here's the NY Times story that kicked it all off. Here are some of the highlight revelations:
In the season's final days, when many of Jordan's teammates were asked if they wanted to contribute to a retirement gift, the Wizards arrived quickly at a collective decision: no. I understand that Kw.Brown offered Salieri a golden kick in the ass, but ol' Brownie was shushed down (as he has been all year. WE LOVE YOU KW.!)
When asked to pinpoint the demise of the team in exit interviews with Unseld, they bit their tongues. Seated nearby were Rod Higgins, the assistant general manager, and Fred Whitfield, the director of player personnel, both close friends of Jordan, who hired both men. "I didn't feel like I could be honest," said one player, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "If Mike goes upstairs again, he's got control of my career." Salieri as Nicolo Machiavelli, wow! WHO KNEW HE WAS SUCH A CLASSICIST!!! Substitute "close friends" for "unrepentant henchmen," and you get the idea about Higgins and Whitfield.
According to one official, Hughes was explicitly told by Jordan to get him the ball if he wanted to play. When Larry Hughes began passing it to Stackhouse as much as to Jordan, he was soon benched. Point guard Tyronn Lue, the official said, obliged and began finding Jordan every time he played. "He was scared to death of what would happen to him in his career if he didn't," the player said of Lue. "He was always looking at the bench at Michael." POOR BOOGIE! He was benched because he won't get that bald headed bastard the ball (and I'm not talkin' Sticky Fingaz from Onyx, though he's quite goood in Platinum on UPN). It's no wonder he faked an ankle injury the rest of the year. And Lil' Lue, whose mom was sick in a coma throughout the second half of the year, had to play scared out of his Hidi thong in such fear for his job? The SHAME! Sure, this is all just based on rumors and innuendo and anonymous sources, the sort of material that can wreck a person's life, but isn't that what the press is based on, half truths and opinions, careerists and liars? LIVE IT UP!
If the players did not take issue with Jordan in their final interviews, they did show unanimity in another way: every player laced into Collins. I believe they have worked out an a capella version of "The Music of the Night," with Jahidi singin':
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the harmony which dreams alone can write
The power of the music of the night
Touch me, feed me, please oh please just pet me.
Collins, egghead, stinks just like some ragweed
He yells all the time at Kwame, he lets his darker side come through
All we see is his skull head and those fake white teeth too
It's the Phantom of the Court
Jordan's influence superseded that of Collins, and it led to much friction. Hughes, Stackhouse, Christian Laettner and Bryon Russell were some of the most vocal players, but in the end most of them took issue with Jordan. Number one star Sister Christian, let the tears flow! L. Boogie and Stack, you're in the right, keep the good fight! B. Russ, you stink and ain't got nothing to complain about.
One of the officials said even the acquisition of Stackhouse came about partly because of a player unwilling to defer to Jordan. Late last fall, Richard Hamilton and Jordan got into an ugly shouting match. The two officials said it began when Hamilton told Jordan he was tired of being a "Jordannaire," the term used for Jordan's role players in Chicago. "Rip was a young, brash guy who threatened the idea of Michael being the guy here," the official said. "He was promptly gotten rid of for Stackhouse." GOOD FOR RIP! He got runned right of town and into the second round of the playoffs with the Pistons, our new favorite team!! Big Ben! PISTONZZNUTZZ!!!
In the season's final weeks, players openly complained about the double standards for Jordan. Promptly dressed and ready to speak with reporters after games, they were forced to wait in the locker room for 15 or 20 minutes while Jordan showered and dressed in a private room. Cut him some slack here. It's well known that Salieri has an exceedingly small johnson, which is why he tries to make up for it through domineering and power-grabbing moves. Do you think he calls his lil' friend "Napoleon" because he's a Francophile? Doubt it.
OK, here's some more stories. .Now Salieri is using the Charlotte franchise as a bargaining chip, as reported in War Slut Daily. And our good friend Crazy Tom Knott, he of the long metaphors that begin in China and end up in Lubbock with many stops in between, says this about Salieri: "Last December, for instance, after Jordan was limited to two points in Toronto, he was held aloft as Professor Jordan because of his nine assists and eight rebounds. You see, he was showing everyone that you don't have to score to make a contribution. Oh, please. The man looked his age in that game." YES! OLD AND BALD! And then ol' Knotty finishes with this zinger: "Jordan or no Jordan, the Wizards probably can manage a .381 winning percentage in the seasons ahead." ShOOT SHOOT, SLAMM SLAM! THAT'S THE REASON I'M A BULLETS FAN!!!
Here in this story, Teddy E-mail fires up the Tandy and denies all charges that he hates Salieri and his poor work ethic as a executive. He then gives a pitch for fans to buy Caps seasons tickets! HOW DID THE COPYEDITORS MISS THAT ONE!@!! This story also says that Susan Omalley, Wes Unseld (not the Alderman) and Washington Sports (Abe's gang) were behind the anonymous sources in the NY Times article. Look at what a baby Salieri is: Jordan was said to be unhappy with O'Malley for offering a free ticket for Jordan's final home game in April to fans who purchased a 10-game ticket plan for next season, when Jordan will be retired. If he had any intention of coming back to the Wizz as an owner, why wouldn't he want this promotion, so that fans actually come to the games next year to what his young and beautiful but horrible and disfunctional team?
Meanwhile, let's end on a positive note. Our main main Etan Thomas is a poet, as we've written in these pages before. He even particpated in Bring in Da Slam VII, according to this Post story!! Look at these beautiful words Etan writes in his poem "Republicans": Them hypocrites don't care about you./Reverse discrimination? Are you serious? WHOA! That's some deep shit. He musta rocked the thesaurus for some of them similies and metaphors and rhymes and images an so forth. You are a deep mutha, Etan. Keep on keepin' on.
Ken - 10:03 AM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Hey everyone! Me and Dana are our searching the midwestern plains for the elusive prey known only as DEBARGE, or as Dana likes to call him "that beautiful fucking man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have breaking news from here in the plains states, as told to me BY MY SOARCES!!!!!!
Are tyou ready?
SALIERI IS GOING TO LEAVE THE WIZARDS!!!!
GOD IS GOOD!!!
We already know that Wes Unseld went on "hiatus" due to "health concerns" Yes, I despite what ass sucker Black Thanksgiving says, the only health concerns Wes Unseld is facing is that of ABE Pollin and how much Mr. Drummond can get for his failing franchise from Teddy "Blame it on the fans!!" LEonsis, who is desperate to buy the team and get it on track like he has the Caps (first round and out!! Isaiha J.r. Rider is worth 20 million!!!@@$$$$$).
You read it here first: WES AIn't COMING BACK, SUSAN OMALLEY THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE WILL "RETIRE" OR BE ASKED TO TAKE A SMALLER ROLE SUCH AS SELL CONCESSIONS, AND MR DUMMOND HONEST ABE IS SELLING THE TEAM TO TEDDY E-MAIL!!!!
Here';s a story about the Wizz/Caps/MCI soap opera that is going on. It stars the feeble but charity minded Abester Pollen, the large but in charge Tedd Leonsisi, and the old but bald and old and angry Salieri Jordan. The story says this: "None of the principals would agree to interviews despite repeated requests."
YOU MUST E-MAIL TEDD!! HE WILL RESPOND!! I ASKED HIM ABOUT MY SEATS IN SECTION 422, HE SAID "STICK IT, BOYO, BUY SOME MORE CHICKEN BASKETS!!!!!"
And this story says that Salieri is lookin to bolt from Abe's abode. MAY I ADMINISTER THE KICK IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of you are surely worreid about me, but i have to say that Dana has been nothing to good to me. She beats me, yes, BUT I DESERVE IT!! THe blood reminds me that I am human and that Dana is a demi-god!!!!!!
Ken - 11:56 PM
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
The slow days of summer are upon us and thoughts of an greasy Jahidi White bobbing among the waves like a bloated month-old whale carcass in the sun competes for my thoughts, just as the smells of bacon and anti-freeze compete for my noses attention.
Many of you may know that, we the wizznutz, entered "SEA DOGS" into the naming competition that Black-hatter Abe Pollin held a few years back. ANd we know that we were just a few votes from Being SeaDogNutzz , but we are happy with old man destiny, we embrace his campigns of "the ways things happen", but in anycase,
here is an old dusty list I found of some other names we had scribled down that year to submit for our soon-to-be re-identified Washington Bullets franchise:
Coaltition of Skillzz
MoistMates
Aldermen
Mr Drummonds Payroll
50-Centers
Nancy Boys
Tax Havens
The Fun-Jamins!!
The Washington Keith
Laron Profit 90210
James - 6:25 PM
Friday, April 25, 2003
And now, a Great Moment In Bullet's Punditry:
Nov. 25, 1999
By Jason Langendorf
Associate Editor
Basketballnews.com
Write it down: Gar Heard is the best thing to happen to Washington this decade.
James - 7:09 PM
Untitled
salieri is an old man
salieri is successful in his time
salieri is a court musician
salieri is not able to recognise and accept divine irony
salieri is dracula
salieri is filled with bitterness and envy
salieri is in the hopeless situation of a man incurably infatuated with his greatest enemy
salieri is a man who is obviously crazy
salieri is both devastated and enthralled
salieri is reserved and sneering
salieri is a man who longs to possess genius
salieri is also jealous of god's ability to dole out talent as he sees fit
salieri is damned with the understanding that he can't live up to the greatness only he is able to perceive
salieri is cast down among the dumb masses of humanity
salieri is sitting in a wheel
James - 7:05 PM
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Congratulatiuonsn to Robert Pack and his 5 hard fouls last night against the Sixers.
And to Rod Strickland who for my money, is the Ace of Diamonds in the TWolves Lakers series.
Dave McKenna at Cheap Seats must have been listening to the Bram Weinstein show a few eeks ago, because he takes a whole column to say what we did in 30 seconds:
That Abe Pollin may nort be the benevolent Mr Drummond character that we all assumed, but rather a profiteering robber baron who trades the lives of innocent inner-city children for an uptick in merchandising revenue.
After Honest Abe vowed the Wizards name change had nil to do with seeling jerseys, stores are selling out Jordan Bullets throwbacks faster than a rack of prime sterile bacon on a late summer day.
Maybe he sold his soul to Jordan, though if Jordan was smart, he would have asked for Abe Pollins soul, with the souls of Phil Chenier and Greg Ballard thrown in for good measure.
PAGE 2 has a hot and not list and says Jordan Bullets jerseys are hot, but SHEED BULLETS JERSEYS BE NOT!!!
SHeed jerseys though, like the sun, only get hotter, till they burn out.
I treasure my Sheed Jersey above all others. Its lends me psychic camouflage, and a breathable personality.
It inspires me indivuidualy, purposefully, medically, and artistically, as seen here, before and now, in the mixed media piece:
"FEAR POUCH" Rasheed Wallace Jersey with Dead Wallaby"
James - 1:21 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
DOnt believe us about the "Dear Basketball " letter? See here.
The NYTimes, which ran the ad, also ran this article recently by Selena Roberts who the Wizznutzz desire for her prosely shapes.
Selena drops knowledge:
The ruthless character traits that defined Jordan's greatness with the Chicago Bulls turned him into an insufferable loser as a Wizard.
WOAH!!!!!
Not everyone in the game is beneath Jordan. There are reasonable facsimiles of Jordan's spirit......but none can reflect his dark psychology.
In the end, there was only a Wizards team relieved that the old man was moving out of the house. This wasn't the send-off of an icon, but a push-off on a disillusioned god.
Old Man Mules has moved out! Call up Rod! Break out the Champale!
ESPN had this piece recently about how valuable Old Man Adultry was to the universe.
It mentions how Jordan look-alike Lee Kealonhas made a great living. But Lee wrote a "Dear Basketball" letter recently, saying "we are even, Basketball",
going on to suggest that Basketball wasn't always so gentle with him, like when he spent the late '80s as a desitute Harvery Grant impersonator, selling his inaccurate body for drug monies.
Hey Wizznutzz, lets pay tribute to all those former teamates ripping it up in the Association tournie!!!!!!!!!!
Such as Big Ben, Sheed, CWebb, Robert Pack, Courtney ALexander, RIP Hamilton, Popeye Jones, Calvin Booth and Calbert Cheany.
My money is on Calbert, because he is destined, and because he had a role in the 1994 film, "Blue Chips" with Shaquille O'Neal, and his favorite movie is "Return of the Jedi" which is about Good and Incest and midget actors conquering over an evil empire.
James - 11:43 AM
Monday, April 21, 2003
So this weekend I see that Michael Jordan took out a full page ad in the NY Timnes, to write a heartfelt letter to....Basketball!!!!
If Salieri wrote this letter then Popeye Jones is my dad. And it wasnt even original. It was all about the 28 year "relationship" with Basketball and how bittersweet it was to breakup. The exact same sentiments of Juan Dixons open letter to "bacon" in the Orlando Sentinel last year.
"Basketball" was not available for comment, but if it was, "basketball" would be wise to say "you are making me uncomfortable. Its over Mike. Please don't conbtact me again."
A few links:
Tom Knott of Warslut Weekly laments the good ole days of Tyronne Nesby, Popeye Jones and Hubert Davis
and
The Post discusses the road ahead for Mr Drummonds Payroll.
Boy playoff ball is hard to watch without the Wizards, but the Omens were there weeks ago, that the wIzards season was soon to end.
These omens include:
1, Jordans moths.
As we reported on this site, at the staples center vs lakers a few weeks back, dave johnson on WTEM was reporting that there were giant moths loose in the building. .Of course we know moths symbolize the helplessness of desire, corruption and decay.
2. Rods Groin
Rod returned from a groin injury that had caused him to miss much the season. 5 minutes intop his first game back, Rod was out another groin.
3. Chico Debarge Releases his New Album
4. The Wizards team, a team in the hunt, don Bullets Jerseys.
Just like a sheep wearing a smaller, more frail sheep's clothing!
James - 5:47 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2003
AHHHH!!!
1st glorious day of antoher opffseason. Geez, all that pressure to "win" really soured things around the wizards camp these last few weeks. It was great to see Salieri step down, and the Wizartds play some FUN ball for once. Kwame clocked 40+ minutes!! His limbs playfully akimbo, turning it over, putting back scraps with JDix. The Wizards got back to the fun brand of ball we love!!! Ill believe this stuff about the thrill of winning when I see it, because like a good bullets fan, I have been raised to love the sideshow my friends.
And MJ ended his career with two free throws, which is a poignant and furtive analogy for his last two seasons with the Wizars: free throws!
This espn article takes a interesting lo0k at the last 24 hours of MJ. Some interesting bits:
On his way through the bus, Jordan gets a knuckle knock from several fellow Wizards, including head coach Doug Collins and assistant coach Patrick Ewing.
COllins "knucle knocking" MJ? SHeesh. Plain embarrassing.
Jordan reveals himself for the first time, during pregame warm-ups.
Wizrds executives tell sources MJ had "a below average Penis"
Quick George McCLoud update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: the former Wizard swingman invested his brothers substantial profits from crack cocaine! McCloud would be a great street name for Cocaine dont you think?
So lots of Jordanaires made pert pronouncements at the beginning of the season, with some even picking the Wizards to win the east! Another projection that flickered and died, was the widely accepted notion that MJs return to the NBA would take the spotlight of the young guys aka "the Kids" aka Grandchild Brown and The Fervent Five.
Oh so wrong that proved to be, because with every Steve Buckhantz "dagger" in the wizards season, the spotlight wasa turned very much on the sandlot boys. They shouldered the blame for everyhting: they were not desirous enough, or lacked respect or were not willing to learn. Not only did the Kids learn how to lose, they learned how to blame themselves for it too.
The future of Phantom Collins is under much debate right now. Coach Collins, the wizznutzz agree, is like a progressive Slave owner with abolitionism at his door..
Hes a decent master, struggling against the foreseeable forfeit of the the only lifestyle he has ever know.
He just cant understand why his slaves want freedom so bad.
"Im a fair master", he says "what is so great about freedom? You will see next year, slaves, when you get all that freedom, how you will rue the day you wished it, in your freedom loving chaos and disorder and lawless japery. We have a good order right now. It works. Why are you not happy? Am I not a good master? I feed and clothe you, and in exchange you put in a hard days work for me. I whip you just enough to remind you who is master and who is slave, those are the roles we have always had, its what keeps the everything together."
But as we said, Collins is a progressive Slave owner, and he WILL make the transition, as painful and incomprehensible as it is.
Now that his house negro Salieri is no longer able to carry the burden, he must do what is realistic to survive.
And boy next year looks to be a riot. Lots of learning and exploring of bodies and getting comfortable with the man next to you. Hopefully a big free agent will land here. Maybe even LeBron. Maybe Tracy Murray will come back home, for a farewell tour. Somehow, we only have a few million dollars under the cap.
Even with the LORENZO CLOCK winding to a close!!!
BNack to projections, lets have a look back and see what we here at the Wizznutzz predicted, in this very diary:
Anyway, SO how is the season looking? Mike Wilbon has the Wizards winning the Division. ESPN has us coming 4th in the division, and SPorts Illustrated has us 5th in the COnference. They also gave CHristianj Laettner a PVR of 179, but Im not sure what thats all about.
And so its time for the WIZZNUTTZZ to step up, and make a few predictions of our own. I offer these:
Jerry Stackhouse: hell be getting 24pts a game, 2.9 apg, 3.9 rpg, and shooting 43% from the floor
MJ: 17.5 ppg, 3.8apg, 4 rpg, 40%
Juan Dixon: 4.2 ppg, 1.5 apg, 1.8rpg
Kwame: 9.8ppg, 8.6 rpg, and 1.7 bpg
Larry Hughes: 15ppg, 3apg, and 2.5 rpg
and Brendan Haywood: 7ppg, 7.1 rpg and 1.8 bpg
The Wizards will finish 45 and 37 good enough for the 6th spot in the playoffs!!!!!!!!
Hey, Not too bad I would say, except for that last part, but the season was young and so were we!
We will soon be revealing our OFFSEASON predictions for the wizards, and wow, we see some extraordinary things inn our magic balls, especially after a nose full of McCLoud!!!!
James - 8:20 PM
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
More Breaking news!!!
Juwan Howard's Journal!!!
His prose is deliberate, his pacing excellent, his moisture whisked from his skin and falling upon the word like small hands and rain!!
Juwanhoward.com is so very edutaining! Juwan likes Luther Vandross and All water sports! Way to go out out on a limb Juwan, heck who doesnt love those things!!
Of DC Juwan says : " I was very excited to be playing for the capital (Washington, DC) "
It is nice of him to put Washington DC in parantehses. Thats called "Giving Back"!!! So Juwan.
Email Juan (cyberjuwan@juwanhoward.com) and tell him why you are the number 1 Juwan fan!! If you can beat the wizznutzz that is!! We are your #1 fans, cyberjuwan, just look at this puzzle we made you, picturing you leading the franchise, represented as a tentative donkey, out of the capital (washiongton DC) and into the championships!!
James - 9:02 PM
Breaking NEWSS!!!!!!!
Ex-WIZ George Mccloud couldnt wait for the offseaon!!!
Mccloud, who we got in "The Whitnney Trade" (a great trade, and sometimnes its great to just say "The WHitney Trade" thorugh pursed lips)
ANyway, Mccloud is being invesitgated for involvement in a major DRUG RING!!!!
Man, that sounds serious!! but, Mccloud was probably just going after the bad guys undercover, like that time that the astrologer's wife was kidnapped, apparently by counterculture terrorists, but Mccloud solved it. So well follow this story with great interest1111
James - 8:39 PM
Well, this is it fellow fans, the last stand of Michael Jordan happening as I type! There really doesnt seem like anything more can be written about this. I mean he is hero to a nation that has more white sportswriters in stunted adolescence than it knows what to do with , for whom this comeback is like buying a 2004 Ford Mustang with airbags( for the old ones), and paying $250 for 2 tickets and a wolfgang puck pizza at the Stones last show at a smoke free arena (for the young ones) ......
cuz hes retired thrice, comback thrice, played young, played old, won 6 championships, worked the front office, made a movie with the tasmanian devil..... but there can never be too much analysis of this american hero and his Bobby-Bland personality , where there is No Love in the Heart of the City!!!
We at wizznutzz send Salirri a Juan DIxon Antispetic Bacon Dispenser and 12 AA batteries, but espn is not so understaetd:
of course espn is very geeked out. Their home page is all Sally, all the time. I bet they didnt even ask all these nebs to write, they showed up under the door, woith an empty kleenex boix. Heres a run down:
Mark STein kicks it off with some Jibba Jabba
Bill SImmons on Page 2, well hes downright hilarious. Such as when he says
You have the most competitive athlete of his generation, a guy who would have ripped Kwame Brown's heart out of his chest "Temple Of Doom"-style back in the day, and he's suddenly content to waste away his waning years with this motley crew? It was like Garry Shandling folding the great "Larry Sanders Show," then coming back three years later to launch a sitcom with Mario Lopez and the Olson Twins.
Then there is MJs top 40 Moments!!! But Im a bit confused as to why "Beating Bobby SImmons in bacon eating contest" and "has sex with strange white woman" didnt make the list.
Then there is MJs top commercials!!! Oddly absent, MJ speaking the words "SOmetimes Nature Gets it Wrong" when pitching a scented feminine product.
The nthere is talk of the future for MJ, stuff aboiut reacquiring equity, but nothing about reacquiring Kwamistice,
ANd Ric Beucher chimes in, with this line:
I just don't see how it helps Jordan, Wiz Prez, for his alter-ego to announce one more time how lame the rest of the current roster is. It's like Superman telling everyone what a rag the Daily Planet is. How's that going to help Clark Kent do his job?
and lots lots, oh there is ltos more, over at espn.
ANd tributes over at insidehoops, at at Foxsports here, here and gibberish here about trading Kwame.
And a Jordanfest 2k3 at USAtoday sports.
And the Washington Post, have plenty to say too:
Black man Michael "Black Michael Mann" Wilbon expresses disappointment at a piss-weak Jordan send-off at the MCI Center.
Everybody seems to agree the whole affair was Tres Boulez.
STeve Wyche talks about MJ and Mr Drummond sitting down this offseason and saying things to each other like "I still repspect you Michael" and "I feel uncomfortable with you taking pictures of me in this slight tarzan outfit, Sir"
Steve Wyche also suggests that if MJ dont come back, JStack would be happy, and that Wes Unsled, the Misses Garrett of the Association, might take over duties in her firm but wise ways.
And fave scribe Rachel Nichols writes finely and with vigor about a swamp of bitterness, and says such classical things like:
" When he plays his final game in Philadelphia tonight, it may not be about domination at all or even harmony; it may be an ending of self-discovery, of flexing a muscle one last time just to stretch its limitations."
If Salieri was so pent up to discover himslef, he could have learned from Kwame, who is coming into his supple and pert present!
and :
"All those guys who took away from their games this year are going to find out what he brought" when he retires, Collins said. "Be careful what you wish for."
Sounds like Phantom cant wait for us to lose agin next year!
And Kornheiser suits up in his wrestliong togs and takes aim at the Kwame bashers!
ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO much drama in the land of wizards these days. WOW the wizards are getting monster press, mostly cause of MJleaving anjd because the whole thing just turned into Falcon Crest. SO there will lots on analysis, and odes, incites and futuring to come soon on wizznutzz daily.
The offseason is our time to shine!!! what with all the "brass" getting together an being brassy with each other, and trading away things llike height and youth, scouting 10 day contract prospects, and drafting local guys real high. The summer is also the time for Rod STrickland to go a drinking!!!!
James - 7:53 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Hey evyerboyd!!!! IT"S KEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me and Dana spent the night at Big Buck last night watching the Salieri's last home game as a Bullett !! Big Buck is in Michigan near the Palace of Auburn Hills and it's the official bar of the WizzNutzz!!! Dana wanted to come to Michigan becuase she's CONVINCED that's where Chico Debarge is nearby, actually, in Flint, Michigan!!! I mentioned to Dana, "Dear, Queen of all that is good and great in Stockholm, I think you are mistaking the DeBarge posse's hometown for the band Ready for the World's home ice advantage!!!!" I'm convinced of this because Dana has beeen calling herself "Sheila" for several days in a row now!! HIGHLY UNLIKELY!!!
Naturally the Bullets Retrio lost to the New Knickerbockers and SAlieri was honored by Mr. & Mrs. Drummond after the game by giving 15 computers to 18 public schools in Washington DC in SALeri's name!!! Salieri, being gracious, waved and walked off the court withou saying anything to the Wizz fans that have come to see him 41 times this year desipte him ruining their team. THANKS SALLY!!!! Arrivaderche!!!! Don't let Ike Austin's Cheeseboot hit you on the way out the door!!
Naturally all the DC writers are ringing their hand and writing odes to SAlly!!! Black Thansgiving WIlbon says that the Bullets are better off that MJ played here for two years because they sold more hats!!! REALLY!!! It's just another example of the cranberry sauce and triptophan going to Wilber's head!!! B Thanksgive also writes this: "In the sorry, no-account Eastern Conference this club should have made the playoffs." I wonder if Wilby has the phrase "sorry, no-account Eastern Conference " set up in of of his F keys (F12, me thinks) since he writes or says it more often than Dana/Shelia says "Bring me the luscious DEBARGE!!!" Then B Thanks writes this blasphemy "This is why, as engaging as Brown is and as physically talented as he may be, he shouldn't have been drafted with the No. 1 pick in the first place and the Wizards' executives who drafted him have only themselves to blame." WIZARDS EXECUTIVES? Er, that would be MICHAEL SALIERI !!!!! The man you just fellated in print FOR HOW great he is for the franchise!!! (I'M LEARNING TO LOVE THE LANGUAGE, DANA/SHELIA!!!) Black Thanksgiving is a lost soul who writes from a golden throne in the MCI Center bathroom. While I too am writing this in a learning annex bathroom, there's nothing golden about it other than what's left in the urinals. Fitting, fitting....
For a better written exampel of why SAlieri was good for Wizz, see our Friend DC Dave Aldridge!!! We love you desperately, DC Dave!!
Meanwhile, Big Dumb Walton gets all Dido on SAlieri!!! Dear Billbo Baggins, columns aren't just lists and Grateful Dead references! They include connecting sentences! BElive me, I know!! LOOK AT THIS COLUMN FOR HIGH-QUALIUTTT Y EXAMPEL!!!
This is from the Washington Times; they titled it "shameful":
"When Jordan was announced at the start of the game, his last at MCI Center, one of the curiosities was just how long the ovation would last. After all, in Jordan's final appearance in Chicago the ovation lasted almost five minutes. The MCI Center faithful clocked in at just under 30 seconds."
Me and Dana/Shelia would like to say that's about 29 seconds too long.
THE PLAYERS HATE THE PHANTOM!!! That's right, Doug the Phantom Collins says he was disrespected by players cuz they yelled at him and cursed him. UHHHHH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO TO THEM EVERYDAY!!! People don't like yelling, Phantom. I mean, i like when Dana/Shelia yells at me because it makes me feel safe, like I'm back in sunny Stockholm and basking in the warmth of security and smelling salts, but I don't like whne others yell. (ANdy Pollin used to CRUSH me in front of the crew over at WTEM!!! HATED IT!). Here's another thing Phantom says: "Collins, meantime, said that the problems in the locker room that have boiled over have been taking place practically all season." Now, who's fault is that Phantom/SAlieri two-headed hydra of police-state mentality? Tha'ts right, yours!!!! The WizzNutzz heard about a practice fight earlier in the season and they checked all their high profile sources but no one could confirm story. WE RAN WITH IT ANYWAY!!! But Phantom's disharmonious comments pretty much prove the fight. Isn't it obvious that Jerry Stackhouse HATES the Phantom's dumb perimeter ball-swinging offense and that he WONT be back next year? 100% chance, Lance.
Brendan Haywood said he resents that Collins keeps lumping all the young guys together for criticism, while old guy Byron Russell says of Collins, "I haven't disrespected him, not yet." GIVE IT TIME, B RUSS!! There's one game left and an entire summer to fire off stingers!!!
Now there are thoughts that Collins might not come back year because the players hatred of him is "insidious". PRAY TO GHOSTS OF LEONARD HAMILTON AND GAR HEARD THAT IT COMES TRUE!!
OK, I hear the security guard coming!!! And I can also hear the high-pitched screams of Dana/Shelia and it's both scaring and warming me!! SEE YOU ALL SOON!!
Ken - 7:53 AM
Friday, April 11, 2003
The wiz are playing tight in Miami with STack not playing? rug-burn? Kwames getting plenty of playing time, and doing just allright. Meanwhile our old buddy Rafer Allston is trying his best to lead toronto over Miluakeee. DOnt fear the Rafer, but respect him!
Another Ex-Wizard going to the playoffs!! We are best franchsie is nation for producing winners, but not keeping them! RIP speaks!
Juwan wants a olympic medal! Of course he does, cause hes prideful., and because he is a prolific child producer, and might need to sell it to keep his baby(s) in style!
And Lang Whitaker, over at SLAM links, who we love and show our love by stealing from regularly, said Kwame Brown on his throwback night threwback all the way to FREDERICK DOUGLASS!!! we'll add it to the separated at birth, thangs Lang!!
James - 8:50 PM
Hi everyone!! It's me Ken again stinking of Stockholm AND LOVING IT!!! Unfortuantley Dana smelled "public access terminal" on me a whipped me for leaving the DeBarge lookout tower she contstructed out of discarded Juan Dixon Antiseptic Bacon Dispensers!! I LOVED IT!! Yes, yes I'm straying again and blogging and risking more rewards, but I'm also dedicated to my Wizznutzz readers as well as the Queen of Stockholm's Syndromness, my BELOVED DANA!!!
Just so reiterate, You can listen to James and Christopher WizzNutzz give a wrapup of the Wizards season on B Ram's show on Sportstalk 980 at 12 noon on Saturday April 13!!!! Listen on the web foreign fans!!!
JAmes and Christopher will give all the highs and lows and Kw afros, but the main thing is that they'll reveal the TOP SECRET LOTTERY PICK FOR THIS YEAR'S DRAFT THAT THE WIZZ HAVE THEIR EYES ON!!!! That's right it'll be an exclusive for B Ram and it'll make the fella's carrerrs that much great than they already are!!! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity that no one will want to miss.
OH SCREW IT!!! HERE'S THE TOP SECRET WIZARDS 2003 PICK RIGHT HERE!!! HOLD ON TO YOUR PANTS, Kw. BroWn!! You have a court mate!!!!!!!!!!
His name is Lebrond Jamest!!!! He's very hirsuite but he's got skillz under that fur!!!!! In the words of OJ, "LOOK OUT!!!"
Sorry! James and Christopher to blow your exclusvei!!!! I cOULD'NT WAITY I COULDN'T WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAITI COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAITI COULDNT WAITI COULDNT WAIT I COULDNT WAIT
I AM A MULE WHO NEEDS MOTHERING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Ken - 12:07 AM
Thursday, April 10, 2003
WIZZNUTZZ ON WTEM RADIO SATURDAY< HIGH NOON!!! Muist see TV, for radio! Tune in online at wtem.com for incites and bacon!!!
How bout hose throwback jerseys. Sigh, though, as the bullets are shooting blanks from celibate rifles, and the magic number, well thats ONE.
Meanwhile, Saliieri has every intention ofusing thes last few games to evaluate talent, his own that is.
And think about his future.
Meanwhile, we will remember forever the throwback game, the chance to be a bullets fan once again. Except for that traitor Collins who was with the Sonics team that the Bullets beat for the Championship 25 years ago. Hes been plotting his revenge for so long hes twisted now, like Jason Patrick in the movie Sleepers when him and kevin bacon killl a teacher priest that raped them as kids. We too will be watching Sleepers this offseason, Coach Collins, we too....
Charlie Rosen is a Phantom Lover though, giving coach a B!!
James - 11:43 PM
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
hi everydoy ity's KEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm with Dana nd we are lookign dfor Chico Debarge and it's not going welll! Not the part about me being with Dana!1 Dana is the best she';s so nice she's so kind she's so perfectly formed and litter-free just like Dear Old Stockholm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it here in Sweden in my mind and Dana is the great benevelolent queen of all that is good even when she yells which is often but it makes me feel safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we still haven't found chico but we will NEVER stop looking. i don't know why we have to uncover every stone but DANA SWEARS CHICO LIVES UNDER THE ROCKS AND SHE IS THE QUARRY MASTER!!! so she screams nice afer night after night!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bad i've negelctd my Wizznutzz duties. I had my big chance and i blew it because Dana kidnapped me But I LOVE IT SHE'S SO GOOD TO ME!!! SHE GAVE ME FOOD ONCE LAST WEEK!!! GOOD GRACIOUS QUEEN OF THE QUARRY!!!!!!!!
But while Dana is sleeping i found this allnight computer terminal in a midwest coffee shop and i'm goona updatre the site and make James and Chirstoopehr proud!!!!!!!!!
Bullets retro night tonight and they decide to get TRULY IN CHARACTER and LOSE!!!!. But KWAME BRown was named the player of the game!!!!!!!!!! Look at this line from the WashPoist: "Brown (17 points, nine rebounds), who was spectacular in the second half": WHO HE WAS! SPECTACULAR!!!!!!!!! ANd he and Mr. Haywood Jefferies LOOKed spectacular too!!!
Mr. Tyronn Lue and Dr. Larry Hughes look darn good too!!!!! CHEck out Mr. Lue's shoes (Dana calls them "kicks"!! SHE's the BEst!!!)
But notice Mr. Jahidi below. He's the only sweaty Bullet. Why? Answer below.
Because he's a seal and they must stay moist ALWAYS!!!!!!
If the fellas wanted to be REALLY retro thought thye should NOT wear baggy shorts. They should wear some really tiny n tight mitch kupchecks!!!!!! Phil Chenier's apple ass as role model for the youth!! YOU CAN LEARN WHiLE CONSTRICTED!! I KNOW!!!
I'm gonna go back to Dana before she wakes up and gets VERY ANGRY (but in a good way for she is as great as Swedish Schnapps and twice as tasty!!!) See you all soon. PRAY FOR ME!!! Love, Ken
Ken - 10:49 PM
Monday, April 07, 2003
Ken?? we hope so, we have "time sensitive" information that that was ken.
Christ.
Anyway, the wiz sportswriters are ayt a crossroads to be sure. Those ready to rip Sally and talk about Kwame and the Wizards future are dping so. While Those closest to Sally, like Uday Wilbon and "Chemical Stu" are holding tight, defiant to the end, hoping that his greatest miracle is still in store as wiz beat Celtics!!! and have a kind of soft schedule, so we too wizznutzz have hope.
And the rest are not quite sure what to say. Here are some things:
Tony Kornheiser:
And increasingly it looks like if Kwame Brown ever becomes a great NBA player, it may well be somewhere other than here. Brown is clearly intimidated by both Jordan and Doug Collins. The kid feels like everything he does is wrong in their eyes. It might not matter if Brown was the No. 15 pick in the draft, and they took him on a hunch. But Brown was the Wizards' first No. 1 overall pick in the draft ever. Eventually, he was to be the centerpiece of this team. Now he looks like something you store in the attic.
Heres the article THE END OF THE AFFAIR!!! POWERFUL !!
Wow, Kwame Brown in my attic, imagine! Like The man in the Attic with Neil Patrick Harris and Anne Archer and her white panties, and she keeps him as sex slave in 1910 attic, and Neil Patrick Harris doesnt use a body double, hes VERY KEEN! throughout, with visible method-arousal!!!:
"This is one of Norman Winski's later works. It shows maturity, talent and unique creative style. I first saw it on MOVIE OF THE WEEK, and again. I enjoyed as much or even more the second time I saw it. there are little hidden manings everywhere." !!!
Inside hoops is doing Salieri's Requiem
And So is David DuPree at USATODAY , (a smooth Gee we love him), though David Dupree is having his cake to eat too, as he couod save the "#1 MJ moment" for his leading wiz to playoffss (very clever)
But SCREW THAT!! CAUSE in 24 hours<KWAME WILL FINALLY BE A BULLETT!!!
Thats right, retro night!!! I fully expect Ken to do something brave and dangerous on this night. Maybe a pirate Sportscall throwback, and hopefully Dana will call in to Scotti Jackson, just like the old days!!
Kwame will nbe followiung the storied tradition of bullet #5's:
Juwan Howard
John Lucas
Dan Roundfield
Darrell Walker
ANd Haywood will be like 00 Duckworth and Salieri like Lil Tim Legler and CharlesJones!!! Evenj though hes more analgesic to Bernard King, on account of his knees, and abilitiy to shoot the ball with frrequency and ferevency!
Here you can see all the great bullets jerseys numbers!
James - 11:44 PM
Sunday, April 06, 2003
TOM Friend is MY FRIEND n kwamE'S friend! It's the Phantom's Fault!! HE KIDNAPPED ME TOO! NOT DANA!! STOCKHOLM IS SOOOOO SUNNY, I LOVE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken - 2:48 PM
Friday, April 04, 2003
Some more fallout from the wizards loss.
The Baltimore Sun describes the life of Sailieri as a "cracked door", that the Hakws bursts through it, or something.
The GunSluts over at the Washington Times, though, have an article on Kwame that is SO RIGHT ON!!!
Some highlights of this article include this choice words:
But now, with Jordan's vision in considerable doubt and the Wizards ready to assume their customary place in the draft lottery, Brown is up against the wall as one of the principal suspects in the divide between the old and young on the roster......
.....No one spent much time belaboring the minor contributions of first Bill Cartwright and then Luc Longley. It was Jordan's show in Chicago. It was his world. It was one heck of a ride.
So what happened between Chicago and Tony Cheng's neighborhood?
Who changed the rules?
Let's try to piece this together again: Jordan's team in Chicago and Jordan's team in Washington.
Chicago: Yea, Michael.
Washington: Boo, Kwame.
So true, Tom Knott, your words are pure than water and truer than fact. The rules changed, like on the playground the biggest kids were from the smallest busses, and made there own rule, right up to the violence!
You can bet on this: If the Wizards ever trade Brown, he will end up being a 10-time All-Star. He will haunt the Wizards, in the tradition of Rasheed Wallace, Ben Wallace and Chris Webber.
Also so true!!!! and also in the tradition of Gheroge Muresan , Jim McIlvaine and Calbert CHeaney, -- but you made your point just fine with those other 3 examples!!!
He has labored on a short leash, with Jordan in one ear and Collins in the other. Their tag-team methodology, with the volume often cranked up, could work on anyone's head, much less that of a wide-eyed neophyte.
The manchild has but 2 ears!!!, both filled with curt retorts and hurt rhetoric. If Phantom and Salieri could somehow use other openings of kwames body to inflict abuse they certainly would. Ive said too much.
Collins, by his own recent admission, still does not have a feel for the team, which sometimes leads to oddball lineups and the mysterious obsession with Bobby Simmons, by way of Mobile, Ala.
We very much agree here, in fact it was this very argument that Dana was proudest of making and with verve, "shake some hands, meet Kwame, coach!!" she would say, before the darkness came.
But we disagree STRONGLY on one point:
Mainly, WHAT is SO MYSTERIOUS ABOUT being obsessed with BOBBY SIMMONS???!!!!!
Its plain sight, his assets and presence. He is deft like a Barramundi and complex inside too, like an onion inside your self.
Insidehoops.com, a good site for sure, with links and tite spelling, put our fave prospect Reece Gaines down to 12, and in his place, Anderson Varejão, a 6-10, power forward, Brazil! That would be awesome to habe some brazilian flavour in the arena and association, and Juan DIxon for one would appreciate the smooth skin, and the antiseptic qualities of exfoliation, in all capacties.
Positives: "Very charismatic personality, similar (surfer) attitude to Brazilian tennis star Gustavo Kuerten, very laid back"
Negatives: "Still seems to be "growing into his body" ". Um, NO!!! thats not a negative, that natural! Kwame is his age, and they casn relax and work on theire complexion and develop there bodeis into men, under eachothers eye and support and borotherhood.
So, while things look bleek for the Wis, there is always hope! Bullets and wixzards are all about hope, and tomorrow.
Ben Okri, a friend of ours and the Wizards, feels this way about things: YOU SHOULD ALL READ THIS, its poignant , christ its pert.
They say
Love grows
When the fear of death
Looms.
They say
Courage looms
When the fear
Of never loving again
Disappears
In the smell of the enemy
Who crushes us so much
We can only fight.
Love and courage grow together
When the flesh is rawest
And the spirit charged.
And distorted within the nightmare
We see the possibility
Of a future.
Because we ARE in a nightmare and our flesh IS raw , BUT BUT BUT there is always the promise,most of all now, of the future, well, what Ben Said is good!!
Thats poetry Ben!!! Its so great to have a fellow writer to be about.!!
James - 11:21 PM
Thursday, April 03, 2003
4 in a row!!!! The playoff run continues!!! Sally saves his last dance for the fourth, tries to tsake team and ego upon his shoulders, drains all sorts of shots, corralls 14 boards!!! Wiz Lose!! Darvin ham held scoreless, but contributes many fouls, turnovers, and comci releif!!! The Hawks fire their GM, then beat the Wixards and there player/GM.
Thats it!! Wizznutzz concede the season even if Salieri doesnt, but secretly we expect he does as he is already beginning to poison a new young mind, Lebron James. Outrageous!
Ty Lue played hard tonight. THAT'S IT though. No one else did!! L.Boogie and JStack had bigger fades this season that Big Daddy Kane!!
I've gotto catch my flight so more later,
but heres a look at who the wiz maybe drafting next year:
Good bye Michael, hello Reece Gaines!!!!
Another PG/SG !!!! woo hoo!!! and a Man-Tween!!!!
Anyway, its gonna be a fun garbage time now, and a great off-season. The wizznutzz have a master plan you see. It may include Gilbert Arenas, Elton Brand, Kwame Brown, bacon, and a whole lotta 10-day contact specialness!!!!!
James - 11:51 PM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Big NEWS!!!:
WOW: MIKE JORDAN TO CAOCH UNC!!!!!!!
Bigger news!!! Jospehe Forte pleasures himself in the shower by singing a ballad to Brendan Hayowood and Salieriri, gets himself suspended, us aroused!!
Just one, enormous black man singing a naked sudsy ode to fellow tar heels, whats all the fuss??!!.
Please break your code of silence JForte, and tell us the lyrics!!!! SO we can all sing as one!!
BIGGEST NEWS: O-Town RIPS KWAME!!!!:
When you're the number one draft pick and not starting you need to look in the mirror at yourself and say, 'What's wrong?' " said Oakley,
Acne Vulgaris is whats wrong treebeard!!!!
Phantom and Sally drive the Little Bus to school and on the bus it says "Green Eyed Monster Special Education"!!
Eddie Curry is flowering like a hungry pre-teen because he has had timne to experiment in the paint and with his body.!!
Well well, anyway, while we await the Wilbon erotic fiction about the lakers game , Steve Dilbeck steps it up homoerotically 100%.
Senor Dilhole is the Ernest Hemmingway of sports journalism, (along with 25,000 other young sports writer guys).
Well, the Wizards and Bucks are daring each other to make the playoffs. That loss to Denver was tremendous!!! 19% shooting in the second half, a thing of beauty. Makes one pain for the precision bombs of Rex Chapman!!
Heres antoher article praising Juwan Howards work ethic and how horrible you DC slobs were to him so he'll nevcer come back for the $5m exception and instead we'll trade Kwame for Coery Magette and a $14million salary
Tomorrow night the Wiz take on the montser Kings in a must-play game at MCI, and the only good news for the Wiz is that Chris Webber will be coming back to town, and the scene of many graceless disappointments. And traffic stops. Throat slittings!!
Salieri got a motorcycle at the Denver game!!!!, a new 1250cc Harley Mothman in fact.
Regarding Moths, i did some research and come up empty. ALMOST empty. I DID find oput that Christina AGuilera performed for a 90 second NBA promotional ad before the Lakers Wizards game, and Carson Daly on MTV said the other day that Christina's new video will feature her singing in a room of ...MOTHS!!!!
Which is no suprise, because Christina is a Rakasha, a Greater Demon under the daerk servitude of Salieri the Envious. I know this to be probably true because the followng things are true about Christina AGuilera, the "shape shifter":
The Raksasha are usually loners, and they have an incredible aptitude for making long-term plans
Samne is true for CHristina, and also She has a lust for powerand an attraction to all manner of magic items - many Shape Shifters hoard great magic treasures over the centuries. Of course, they are not averse to more profane treasures like gold and precious stones; after all, money is power.
No wonder she stays so close to Salieri and his profane treasures!
ANd Sheed lives to smoke another day!!! No Arpils fool!!
The Oregonian website have taken a page from our Wizznutzz RapSheet and strated there own Blazers and The Law section. Sheed very present!!
Also POPEYE JONEs in the news, his 3 little Goonies love ICE HOCKEY!!!! Like uncle MANUTE!!!! "5-HOLE PAPA, 5-HOLE!!!"
James - 11:23 PM
Sorry for the infrequent updates everyone. We've been worried sick about Ken and Dana. We haven't heard from them in days---and then we saw this news report. We fear that this deed was perpetrated by Ken and Dana. Developing....
CP - 4:02 PM
Friday, March 28, 2003
Lots to talk about right now, the wizards are at the half against the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant has 42 points, so beware thje Ides of Wilbon tomorrow, the Black Michael Mann, waxing homoerotic about Salieri and Kobe, father and son "mark my words" our dear Ken would say, maybe he is saying, somewhere, somewhere in abetter place I hope.
Some other exciting developemnts tonight:
First, sopeaking of Ken, Dave Johnson on WTEM play by play keeps talking about how the staples center is full; of Giant moths!! I propose they are MJs winged phantasmic harbingers. As we all know, moths symbolize the helplessness of desire, Moths are corruption,decay, and moth's are loss. Omens aplenty. 2 of the moths belong to Laker legend Tracy Murray, who can talk to moths. However, on TV , there was no mention of moths, so maybe Dave Johnson is out of his tiny mind.
Also, importantly, Bucks and Sam "Promises" Cassell lost again to the Utah Jazz with Calbert Cheaney!!! leading the way. SMiling even!
SO while the game plays out, here are some other wizznutzz links to satisfy your every desire:
Ben Wallace for MVP!! lots of talk around town, like here, and comparing Big Ben to other greats including Detective Barge-Arse himself, Wes Unseld!!!
Hot on the heels of the Ike Austin Cheeseboot, there is lots of press about Sally's footwear: Nobody in seattle wanted his stinking horseshoes, butnthey all talked about when they were young budding bodies, dreaming of there first pair of Air Brimleys.
And of course, the worldwide leader in groins is dutiful but full of angst to report that Rod STrickland's groin continues its civil disobedience. Its only a matter of weeks until his groin leaves his pants entirley and crawls in confused fear to the nearest TGI Fridays parking garage. Its time for Rod to recommitt himslef to the consumptiuon of halfsmokes!!!
Stackhouse has been very charitable tongith guarsing Kobe, but did you know that he is also one of five finalists for the J. Walker Kennedy Citizenship Award, an honor presented by the Professional Basketball Writers' Association to an NBA player for outstanding community service. ??? He is against diabetes up to %100, and so are we at wizznutzz. And he toilkd the Washington Post that he wants to drive a mobilem charity vehicle from town to town spreading the word...JERRYY!!! your needs are answered, because it happens this very moment that the DUCKWAGON(tm) Charity Edutainment Express Hope Vehicle is availoable!!!
With wizznutzznad jerry stackhouise together, and a duckwagon, we will "die" diabetes!!!!
Wizznutzz say no to war, yes too troops. Bring the troops back and put some in my yard! Vlade Divac has good war incites
And free Americans are getting TV war fatigue!
WATCH WAR ON TV!!! DONT LET THE TERRORISTS WIN!!!!
ANd finally, i got this anonymous email yesterday, that I fear may be from Ken.:
No more Mister slow blow, mister yo-yo, Mister see-which-way-is-the-wind gonna blow
Hes just an imperfect man, trapped i an imperfect body, Hes not happy or sad, lonely or sorry.
that could be about wilbon and MJ, but I fear its not.
James - 3:57 PM
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Its really worrying about Dana and Ken.They are just a couple of good kids, or a good kid and an old man with one shoe and raidal psychosis.
When I saw on espn.com today 2 stories side-by-side my heart jumped and I thought of those two.
But Luckily Dana turned out not to be at The Kirby Puckett trial and Ken had nothing to do with the incident in Sactown.
The Wiz win an improbable second time on the road!!!!, and are now ahead of the bucks!
But Sam Cassell has done it now, he has GUARANTEED the Bucks make the playooffs.
Sam Cassell must be from another goddam planet if he thinks such.
Thought he BHucks have a easy schedule ahead: Utah Miami Miami Houston Cleveland Chicago L.A. Clippers Toronto Orlando
but they have lost 7 of 9 and dont have the "experience factor" nor the Manchild.
MJ yelled at the manchild. Salieri goes madder that week-old bacon. We like Rachel ALexNichiols. She writes good quality Kwamecopy. Maybe she will model the Ike Austin Cheeseboot les bootchevre pour nous!!!!
James - 11:24 PM
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Hi everybody. It's Christopher again with another emergency blog to update you on the code-red situation with Dana and Ken. This we know for sure: they both have gone missing. Where? We're not sure right now, and we are rather frightened. We got a tense call from Ken, using Dana's cell phone, and he kept screaming "I'M EMBEDDED, I'M EMBEDDED, I'M EMBEDDED!" We could hear Dana whistling some R&B in the background and blurting, "Chico, I'm coming for ya..."
We think that both Dana and Ken have suffered nervous breakdowns and that they are making a beeline to the home of Chico DeBarge. We do not know this for sure, but we are making an educated guess based on this information about Dana and Rod Strickland's favorite singer:
KOCH Entertainment is proud to announce the release of the new Chico DeBarge album on March 25, 2003. After a 2 year hiatus Chico DeBarge returns to the musical scene with a new album, a new label and a new attitude. He wrote and produced FREE, a 12 track collection that plays like an odyssey into his heart and mind.
"The album's personal, it's just me expressing myself. I didn't try to be contrived; it's very true to what I'm going through," DeBarge confesses. Chico DeBarge has had numerous gold albums since the mid 80's both as a member of DeBarge and as a solo artist. In 2000 he and Motown respectfully parted ways and he quickly created his own label which enables him to call the shots on all levels and has now partnered with KOCH Records. "Going independent means having a destiny secured, you can only be a hot singer for so long and really what you achieved---a Gold album? You want to be able to set up a career where you can be 70 years old and still call the shots."
Dana was almost surely driven wild by the thought of a 70-year-old DeBarge singing some slow jams to her. She was already in a fragile state of mind and we fear that she convinced Ken, perhaps by drugging him with roofies or fried foods, that he needs to ride with her, in the car she calls "my tank of destiny," to find Chico before the world ends. If anyone sees a short black female with torn fishnets and one shoe riding shotgun in a 1972 El Camino driven by a tall white male with less than 2% body fat, please e-mail us as whereintheworldiskenanddana@wizznutzz.com. This is no joke.
CP - 10:58 PM
I have just found out that James and Christopher have been making great strides in making marekting arrangements on behalf of wizznutzz, and there leatest endeavour is so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Check it out fans, investors, asians:
THE IKE AUSTIN CHEESEBOOT!!!!!
I bet you wondered why Ike is never mentioned on our site!! Now it makes sense, because of contract obligations, but now its all to light. Get too making cheese!!
James - 8:16 AM
There have been some serious developments at wizznutzz yesterday.
I feel it would be best left to Christopher or James to make statement regarding Ken and Dana. We are trying very hard to try and locate them. All we have to go one right now that I can mention is Danas strange cell phone bill, and a very lengthy and disturbing receipt from Home Depot that we found by kens chair.
Again I feel it is not my place to comment further on any of this. Hopefully things wont be as bad as they seem right now.
COme home Ken, come home Dana if you can hear me. I miss you.
Anyway, its been hard to pay attention, but a few things:
Well the Wiz finally won a road game!!! They beat the Southside Sheeds and Jeff McInnis and Peasant Cultivator Jimmy Lynam
(see here and here).
Greatest sentence of the last month for me most opersoanlly is :
"Center Jahidi White, who made his first start of the season, was an imposing, high-energy presence. "
SO good to have Jahidi back, getting his double-sigles and fouling out quickly. Great to have you back Hidi!!
And good to see General Stonehands might be getting the rest he deserves.
Kwame had many turnovers and played his way to the bench. Salieri hustled pretty good, and CLate did too, and Ty Lue really nailed some Faggers down the stretch. ANd Milluakee lost, so keep the faith!
We did lose the night before to Golden State though. Jordan after that game said he is physcially fine, but mentally not sure about his state.
Just a reminder that Salieri in the movie Amadeus ends up crazy and old, mad and mumbling , from guilt and his sins.
Thats all ill say for now about that. But way too hustle SALLY!!
Kwame got choice minutes vs GState, even though he missed about 20 layupos in the second half, he did grab many boards, and was prescient.
Also, against Golden state , their coach JJ Musselman ro whobver, said they didnt even cover Bobby Simmons!! Not at all!!! The doubled MJ. and Bobby still only scored a couple times!
Thats disrepectful of Bobby and his modest approach to competition.
MEANWHILE: HOLY MOLY:!!!! READ THIS ARTICLE AT ONCE< AND TWICE!!!
The Mule-Headed Beat a Dead Horse
By Thomas Boswell
Wednesday, March 26, 2003; Page D01
In farm country, they say if you see a man beating a mule, it's probably a bad mule. But if, every time you see that fellow, he's beating another mule, then you've found a bad farmer.
Michael Jordan and Doug Collins with the Washington Wizards and Bruce Cassidy with the Capitals have been beating their mules all season. Every time you look, there is another public tongue-lashing of the MCI denizens. Maybe it's not entirely the fault of the mules.
Boswell!!! We been talking about mules and Jordan's farming ways for so long we even sponsored an art contest!!!
But we respect Bos cause great mionds think alike.
and also:
Yet, to young players, Jordan seems like a shadow figure, a hologram of himself that you can practically put your hand through.
SALIERI!!!!! What a gorgeous description of Salieri and Mozart. But not a Shadow Warrior, Nocture, thats Kwame Brown. Foremost. Foreskin.
Oh My GOD, i just looked down and saw Kens last blog... one day BEFORE Boswells article about mules??? Is there some connection?????, oih god i hope we find ken soon. He is not safe to himself without the discipline of others to harm him in a controlled way.
Im so worried I can hardly eat much more.
James - 7:59 AM
Monday, March 24, 2003
I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM A MULE
I AM A MULE I AM A MULE I AM I AM I AM.
IT FEELS LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS ARE STREAMING THROUGH MY VEINS AND MY EYES HAVE VISIONS THAT GO BEYOND THE FARTHEST PLANET. TASTE THE METAL BILE IN MY MOUTH AND FEEL MY RUBBERY SKIN. DOES THIS NOT TAKE YOU CLOSER TO GOD? FOR AM I WITHIN INCHES OF HIM. JOIN...ME...JAHIDI....
Ken - 11:07 PM
Sunday, March 23, 2003
And here is a powerful statement anout Juwan Howard. Wew always loved Juwan, cause hes a professional, you can tell it from his scowling ways. Why did you all boo him so bad? Now Juwan will never come back!! Is that what you wanted? You want to boo, boo Lorenzo Williams!!!!!!! Hes practically a cripple!!!HAHAHAHA!!
Psike! I love you L-Dub, even if you are less 'Benzo and more Legzz a' kimbo.
James - 6:51 AM
I just keep rereading this article. Its so complex, like an onion, or a shepherds pie with onions. It invites further reading. Last time through, I noticed a few things that stuck with me, hung around like onions on a donkey.
1.:
"Everybody wants to be treated the same," Jordan said, almost in scolding terms. "Unfortunately, everybody's not the same. You don't have 12 Michael Jordans in this locker room just like we don't have 12 Kwame Browns. Everybody's different.
Wow, the thing about 12 Kwames in a locker room. Dana's gonna die when I tell her! 12 Kwames!! 12 KWAMES!!!! Sure, Ive thoiught about 5 kwames before, who hasnt?? One time I even thought about 9 Kwames and an Eackles... but 12 KWAMES? I have always been too afraid to go there.
2:
"We've got too many guys worrying about the Joneses next door and they're not doing their jobs."
Popeye Jones is GONE. Accept it, that is what Salieri is saying. Just move on. But how can you move on when you cry yourself to sleep everynight Popeye doesnt come home?
3:
Brown, who had five points and five rebounds in 20 minutes in Phoenix, was replaced after a series of defensive breakdowns and swore at Collins as he walked to the bench. Collins glared back but did not respond to Brown, who continued complaining
This is the hardest thing of all to swallow.
"I sure hoped we would be better but I still don't know this team and we just played our 68th game," Collins said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coach, Kwame : Kwame, Coach.
There you go!
The moral of all this is that everything would be easier if the there were 12 Kwames, and if one was a player-coach-kwame, so much the better. They could braid eachothers hair, and send Kwame8 out for Pepsis, cause Kwame8 knows where to get them cold, and when Kwame11 gets anothjer technical casue his genes are a bit messed up, the 7 Kwames on the bench will embrace him, and whispoer support, and mayvbe even dance a while.
I bought this Motivational poster on an airplane last week and Im going to send in to MJ, to help the team get through all this.
James - 6:42 AM
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Hi, it's Ken, and I'm back to blog! It's my blog! I've been feeling so-so as of late. I don't think the Mothering Hut charges have worn off so much as I've been staying awake for 23 hours a day scouting the war. I'm feeling edgy and more than a little worn out, yet I refuse to sleep too much for fear of possibly missing out on an athletic feat of war (I hear General Tommy Franks is a marvelous shotputter). Dana came to the office yesterday---she's not looking so good, and she was wearing only one shoe, but she says she's feeling a bit better---and she gave me something from her purse that she called "mother's little helper." I assume it's a chemical extension of the Mothering Hut that has so helped me, so I look forward to washing down this little pill tonight with a Jamocha shake. I hope there are no side effects.
I only watched half of the Wizards game last night because they looked so awful even as the war looked so beautiful. So I switched back to FoxNews and reveled in the bright colored lights. But after the game, Mr. Michael Jordan had his usual harsh words for his "mules," but as the AP reported, "Michael Jordan looked his age on his last trip to Phoenix as a player." 14 points on 4 of 12 shooting for MJ and he's calling out his fellow players? Indeed, Darvin, that is the pot calling the kettle black narcicuss. These are strong words I'm about to say, but I truly believe them, and you know I never lie; I built my reputation on fairness and honesty and a certain amount of nerdy obessiveness, but I want to say this: Mr. Jordan, this season, and your meddling career with the Wizards, cannot end too soon. The day the Wizards miss the playoffs, Mr. Team Assembler Jordan, please call Robert Johnson at B.E.T. to get your career in Charlotte rolling.
Here's Dr. Jack Ramsay's prescription to fix the Wizards. Dr. Jack is very old, almost as elderly as Michael Jordan, and he tends to use words like "apothecary" and "bleeding with leeches" far too often to be a modern medical doctor, but I would pay good money to see a leech go to work on Jahidi White's midsection.
Thanks everyone! Watch the war and e-mail me---ken@wizznutzz.com---and let me know if you think you see any late rounders lurking in the desert!
Ken - 9:42 AM
Kwame Brown, Taxes, smart stuff.
Look what Jordan did to poor Steve Gilbert!
Last night Alex Rodriguez of the Texas Rangers, who are training in Arizona for the first time this preseason, was courtside. He waved and Jordan returned the salute when Jordan missed a jumper from his side but was fouled and made two free throws. you Men!
Will Jerry STackhouse be back??? (Also, I want that tall chinaman Mo Ke! "Mo Ke is" best bigman's name ever! Better than Manute. Better than Duckworth!!
If you go here and click "Play Lottery" graffik on the right hand side, you can see that the Wizards currntly have a 0.9% cahnce of getting LeBron!!!. The season isnt in VAIN! With the 2 menchild and 2 wigges CLate and Googzz, we will rule the association next year!
James - 5:14 AM
ANother wizards flop and more pot calling the kettle black narcissuss. After the game MJ says:
"I told them at halftime. I'm not going to try to carry the team," Jordan continued. "I'm going to move the ball, draw the attention and get you the ball. You shoot it, you score it, I go rebound and try to play defense, but don't expect me to try to put an 'S' on my chest and go out and play for these guys."
He must mean a second S, not the "S" for Salieri that he already has tatooed upon his breast. Wow the wizards cant shoot! But it was great to see Googs return to his form. Its time we traded away youth and height for old googs, tie him up long time w/ CLate, for an all-Wiggles front court!
Dana would have lost if !!! she wasnt take some much needed rtime to rest and just watch the war for a while until she calms down
Before the game Ty Lue backed of his saucy comments where he compared the Wiz playoff chase to the war in Iraq. "I didnt mean anything by it, except to try and motivate the guys. I certainly didnt expect such an strong response from the media. Suddenly its like Im a Jew in 1942 Warsaw right about now, thats for sure. Its pretty much the same situation."
I agree TY LUE!!! At least you spoke your mind, and youre mind is hoopz!hoopz!hoopz! I hate all; those people like Coach so and so , and dan patricks and barabra walters saying false humility stuff like "blah blah War puts it in perspective, that what I do blah blahj is nothing compared to that.. blah...other bigger battles that are far more important..... "
Hoopz IS serious. and Its not like anybody is gonna vote Ty Lue to run the country right? (Maybe Ledell Eackles could be elected, and he could appoint Ty Lue. but thats different) We elected Ty Lue him to play some sweet point for us. To run this offense like yesterdays fruit!
The war and losing and the return of Jahidi and his sadistic head chubb prison code have all led to a sour mood in the lockerroom. Many players have voiced their feelings about the conflict in Iraq. CHarles Oakley expressed his support for the troops:
"I support the troops up to 100%. We need to get this Saddam, and get him now. Iraq is one f**ked up country 'cause of him. 'Cause hes a dictator, you can't even open a carwash in Iraq. They got no fifth ammendment. They don't even got a first ammendment I bet. And the dudes all have those mustaches, even though they look like fags, what are they gonna do cause the boss has one too?."
Juan Dixon expressed a smilar sentiment: "Im really thankful for oiur troops for doing what they gotta do to protect us. Its a scray situation, they are talking about biological weapons, like drones with germs, spraying germs and bugs all over everything. Thats serious business. They need to make sure they get rid of those weapons, strictly and with predjudice. Just one germ can kill a man. I know they got those special suits, but i wouldnt really feel safe in any suit, to tell you the truth personally. Germs are small, thats why they call them "germs". But Mainly I wouldnt feel safe because the human body is a battlegeround itself, for germs. It must be hot and moist in those suits in the sun, and hot and moist is like what germs really like to grow on. Thats the real front lines, everyday is like a war in the body. Plus when they get to Baghdad, the water systems there are pretty old fashioned, and there are all those women they hide inside, in those long dresses that cover there whole bodies? There are probably more bacillus up under those dresses than an Arby's toilet. If I was in the Marines and one of those women came up to me to thank me, I'd swat her to the ground and cover her in germicidal talc. And I'd say 'no one said freedom was free?'
Saddam they say has a bunker way way underground with its own air filtration system. Its a Boswau and Knauer bunker, from Dusseldorf. They make the best bunkers. They are really fine."
Our fave Kwame Brown is going the furthest to do his part.!!!!
He has boycotted French dressing!!!!,
"Just Ranch from now on out, or at least until the ground war begins. What Mister Bush said about sacrifice I took pretty personally. Its not just me, there are lots of Americans not having their fench dressing, or as I call it: Surrender dressing. "
KWAME!!NO.... you are so brave!
Bobby Simmons felt confident America will win quickly. "We got Solid Snake, is why. I dont know too much about it all though. But I know they got these dudes called "shiites" in Iraq! No Im serious! I saw an old white guy on the TV last night, he must have said "shiite" about 4 times. Thats HIL-arious! I hope the shiites are tight. Youmknow what Im saying? Thats one good thing to come from this war I guess."
James - 4:04 AM
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Hello, everybody. It may be your show, but this is my blog! I am Ken the Intern, fresh from the Mothering Hut and a field trip to see the Wizards lose to the Pistons, thanks to our good friend and dirty uncle, Mr. Pete Sweigard, who did the interview with us for SportsFan Magazine! Here's a photo I took of Dirty Uncle Pete (he's the one with the helpful "P" on the hat) with Christopher (left) and the WizzNutzz's Official Squished Penny Curator, Petey Mo', who suffers from a certain hunching of the back---it's nothing to laugh at people! Notice the snazzy WizzNutzz t-shirts; order yours here today!
I am very sad because we are at war, but I support the troops 100%, who my scouts say should kick some Iraqi fanny. I drink a Jamocha shake to the Iraqis' general direction to honor these downtrodden desert people and I can't wait to give them my curly fries, which I always carefully remove from my value-meal bag. As my recently deceased friend Bernie knows, I nevah eat fried foods! Nevah! But its the American way to provide easy access to deep-fried foods for poor people so they can develop heart disease and obesity, and I am 100% of the United States.
I recently attended the Wizards charity bowling event in Bethesda, Maryland, and I snapped these candid combed-out photos of Kwame Brown, the best Wizard there is and one with a deep sadness, as I witnessed while at the Wiz vs. Pistons game. Kwame refused to go over to the huddle during timeouts, even rebuffing the request of fellow pine-rider Juan Dixon, who asked Kwame to join them. Kwame also sat alone at the end of the bench. His demeanor was nothing like the happy-go-lucky "manchild" (as Dana and Darvin insist on calling this young athletic phenom) that you see in these snapshots. If you look hard enough, you can see Mugsy Bogues hiding in Kwames' hair.
Wow! I feel so relieved! I made it through my first blog entry without any mistakes, meltdowns or outbursts. The Mothering Hut really works! I think I am enjoying myself! I look forward to communicating with you all again very soon!
Ken - 9:00 PM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Well I think it was was very professional of Christopher to let eveyone know qhat we here at wizznutzz have known for the last few weeks: that Dana was crying for help, and with all of our help I think she will be getting it. Its beeen a very tough few weeks at the wizznutzz: the wizards are struggling, Kwame is ploitting his defection on the bench, and the war too. But we will do our part to step it up 100% herte during the war, because that is what our troops want, and also because we cant let the terrorists win!!! Like we let the [pistons win anyway!
There will lots more to come about War and Dana and Ken, but for now, just a few things:
The wizards did indeed blow a big opportunity last night AT HOME agianst Big Ben Wallace who had subdued locks but arching loins and 20 rebounds and Rip Hamiltion who briuied us in OT!!!!. Way to go ex-wiz, but not so to go current-wiz, like Kwame, had 1 foul, and nothing more, plenty less esp. on account of his single single minutes!!. I found out today there there is no NIT tournament in the NBA so now Im truly madly worried about our wizards. they dont seem to really be able to win any kind of games. DO they? When did they win 32 games? maybe that was when I was in AUstralia. They ahve about a 10% chance Id say of making the p;layooffs, but for me they will get that 10% 100% of the time, most defoinitely! Christopher was at the game too! With some special guests and snacks. Hopefully he will tell us interns about it.
Also, my main steady mobber Hot ROD STrickland returned to the TWolves last night after 24 games with a Groinal strain.!!! We love you Rod. 5 minutes into the game though he went to the locker room because he reinjured his GROIN again, and had to attend to it with half-smokes and whores from the great lakes.
ANd USA TOday does a bunch of stories about salaries and all, and get this, ME and SALIERI and STonehands are "BEST BUYS". Put your money on Darvin, hes your best bet I always say, and now so do others!1!.
Hear that James and Christopher!!!!??? Maybe I could get a stipend or something? Just a thought. But I still respect you james and christopher and dont need any time off I feel llike Dana.
I dont know how science like this system at USA Today is though, because they called Juwan "Priceless" at 20million a year, but A.I. "overpriced" and 12 Million??? We too love juwan an know him to be priceless, like the Bullets were Pricelsss due to multiple bouts off Plantir Fascitis, but AI deserves more love than that!!
Tyron Lue yesterday compared the Wizards' playoff run with the expected war in Iraq. "We also have a war we have to fight, too," he said. "The Washington Wizards are trying to make the playoffs.. . . . It's pretty much the same thing." TLue speaks so wisely, hes the Richard Holbrooke of Wizards point guards with his worldly metaophors. When the 21,000 popund aerosol incendiary bombs start to drop onto caravans of displaced peasants this weekend, I'll be slipping into my eBay purchased 1988 Bullets practice shorts and chanting USA!USA! and god willing next month our troops will be watching us in the finals from a Dave and Busters in Bagdad!! SHOCK AND AWE, miluakee!!!! The wizards may not have all the tools we need to take you down, but we have a Coalition of the WIlling, and a coaltion of jahidi's thighs!!!
To,morrow I will tell you what alot of other wizards and bullets think about Wars and all, so tune back in!!
Heres a recent exchange from one of our web visitors with our friend GarBot 2000!
David:
Gar Heard: Hi. Im Gar Heard v1.0.
David: how old are you
Gar Heard: I am not sure how.
David: that's ok
Gar Heard: Im swell! I miss my body though. Its in wes unselds basement.
David: you're weird
Gar Heard: I am not weird, please don't Insult me.
David: This site is pretty cool
Gar Heard: Thanks! So are you!
David: Do you go out much
Gar Heard: Thats a deep question my young fan. I will only say that the answer has something to do with kevin duckworth and energy fields.
David: I understand
Gar Heard: I am very happy!
David: Knock Knock
Gar Heard: Who is there?
David: orange
Gar Heard: Orange is a fruit.
David:Here's a joke
Gar Heard: Just say your name out loud and look in the mirror.that's a good joke!
David: lol
Gar Heard: I am glad you find that funny.
David: What would Michael Jordan be if he couldn't jump?
Gar Heard: MJ, hes the original black narcissus. I hate him and love him.
David: a Bullet!
Gar Heard: Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young.
David: What do you think about George Mureson?
Gar Heard: My Giant is dying!!!
David: So sad. how tall is he?
Gar Heard: Im a big load. Think Wes Unseld with transistors.
A TRUE LIFE conversation from a guy called David and a little metal fella called GARBOT@)))!!!!
GarBot is fully functional and ha feelings and rust and urges, so go talk to him now!!!
And we end on a very special and sad note. Ken Beatrice will have his first oppporuntiy to address you all soon. I heard him giggling from the hut last night, so I know hes ready to give his incites!! But a very good firend of Kens passed away recently, Bernie Streeter, from Arbies, where Ken got his Jamocha Shakes that brought his Seretonin back to the levels needed to be a productive member of society. Bernie Streeter was a Baller and a franchise owner, and good man and was one of thjose originals who did it the old way, the right way, before the bloomin onions marched down the Chapms Elysee, there was Bernie Streeters curly fries, and we will all miss yours, sorely so.
ANywauy, have a GREEEAAAAATTTTT war, both Wizards team and USA/Chile Coaltion!! and well be back with much more soon!!!
James - 5:33 PM
Monday, March 17, 2003
Hello WizzNutzz readers. My name is Christopher. Along with James and our interns, I help run WizzNutzz.com. James and I never post to the blog because we've always felt this is our interns' little corner in the WizzNutzz dynasty. Besides, we are too busy to deal with the daily updates and links because we are in the process of developing business agreements for various WizzNutzz enterprises. I take the time out of my busy schedule to post here today because of Dana's disturbing blogs from the past few weeks. While our interns are "edgy" and "street," I never felt like they've crossed the line. Alas, Dana has obliterated that line. While the news of Ken's Krew was shocking and certainly newsworthy---James and I had no idea that one of our interns was a prophet and cult leader---but her posting the photo of the men cutting their heads in honor of former Sportstalk980 host and Ken's cousin, Imam Phil Wood, was gratuitous and disturbing. Also, Dana's anger toward Michael Jordan, while justified, has led to many inappropriate comments on her part. The posting of the MJ and Karla photo was just a low blow. On behalf of James and myself, I would like to apologize for Dana's transgressions. She's really a good kid, and she means well. James and I think that she's been suffering from a low-level psychosis that has been exacerbated by all the war talk in the media and by the pressure on her medulla oblongata, which is in the lower portion of the brainstem and controls nerve functions between the brain and the spinal cord. As part of the most primitive region of the brain, the medulla is responsible for some of the most basic functions of life such as the involuntary processes of breathing, swallowing, and digesting. The medulla also operates in tandem with the cerebellum to control movement, and works in conjunction with the thalamus to regulate states of arousal and sleep. As you can tell, Dana has been highly aroused as of late, and her sleep patterns have been less than ideal; she typically gets about 2 hours a night, and she usually only beds down after too much drink. We are currently trying to get Dana the help she so desperately needs; taking her place for a few days here on the blog will be intern Ken Beatrice. He has been chomping at the bit to post his opinions online, and now, with a full course of the Mothering Hut under his belt, we feel that Ken's finally ready for the world. Starting tomorrow, Ken will post his thoughts on the Washington Wizards. We thank you for your continued patronage and for your patience during this time of turmoil in the WizzNutzz.com family. Take care, and let's go Wiz!
CP - 9:46 PM
Friday, March 14, 2003
Oh my everybody!!!! We wizznutzz interns have a veritible cornicrapia of updates and links today!!! Lucky you!! Moist me!!!!
WIZZNUTZZ.COM EXCLUSIVE!!!
Here is a photo of Ken's Krew, a Middle Eastern gang of fans for our fellow intern Ken Beatice, who cut their heads with swords during the annual ritual to mark Your Call Day in the southern town of Nabatiyeh (which is in PG County, just outside of Oxon Hill). Hundreds of Ken's Krew in PG County marked the 7th century killing of their most revered saint Imam Phil Wood by slashing their heads with blades on the occasion known as "Andypolley Hate God and Ken and Phil and Hockey Day." Imam Phil Wood was a relative of Sporttalk's Prophet Ken Beatrice and is a symbol of martydrom for Sportstalk980 call-in putzes like Steve the Sycophant.
And here's is some stuff from the Detroit papers on Salieri and the Wizz:
--A story on Salieri's "Mystique" (I thought her name was Karla) and how that makes the Wizz "a playoff threat." In the words of that band Run-DMC covered "DREAM ON." The piece basically says that the NBA will cheat to get Salieri into the playoffs and help the Wizz advance. Well that would be the first (and only) beneficial thing about having Salieri on the team.
--This story is about how Michael is good at "razzing" people. Jon Barry said "razzing." He is a white person. A "slow white" person says SAlieri. RACIST!!!!!
--This one is about Salieri beating the Pistons then become His Air(ball)ness. If only he were still able to believe he could fly. Believe he could touch the sky. He's thinks about it every night and day. Spreads his legs and slides away. I believe I'm a guy.
--Here's a C Webb interview!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In it football player Jumbo Elliott threatens to break his legs!!! Then eat them!!! WITHOUT SAUCE!!!!!!!!!!
Dana - 8:08 PM
Wow more super prose from espn- Salieri-flock. this time from Chris Palmer.
Itsbthoughtful, and flighty. ANd conatins the follwing magical sentence:
"Inside (the locker room) Juan Dixon, Kwame Brown and Brendan Haywood had to share the same nearly empty bottle of lotion because somebody forgot to pack his."
OH THE HORROR JUAN DIXON THE HORROR!!!!!
I KNOW it was Haywood, cause his stoney hands need moisture, and cause kwame has a chaperone to pack his ointments, and cause JDix would NEVER forget his antibacterial aloe. He needs it all nights, after his special autoclave and exfoliant pumice treatment.
And more espn: Fred Carter offers a no-bones analysis of MJs return to the NBA and the Wizards. Hes right aboiut somehtings, especially when he says
"Things MJ could have done better:.........2. Not be too harsh on the young guys. Mike has done a lot to help the Wizards develop, but he needs to understand that none of the other players on the team see the game the way he does. That is something he cannot teach by sheer force of will, and Michael may have stepped over the line with guys like Kwame Brown.
And finally, on ESPN!!!!! the world wide leader in wrapping michael jordan testicles in colored ribbons, comes this piece that lists both Salieri AND his coache's gay son amongst the 12 ANGRIEST MEN!!! No Sheed? No Gar Heard?
James - 5:29 PM
David Aldridge is a shiny writing fruit. I like it when he says about Jerry Stackhouse and Salieri that:
"The two circled each other like Riff and Bernardo this past week."
So is so evocative, that line. Evopcative especially of Riff and Bernardo and their japes.
But who are Riff and Bernardo?? Are they from a Dutch comic strip? are they characters in the Paul SImon musical "The Capeman"??
I have no idea!
But Jerry Stack upped the stakes again today when he said:
"I always liked The Capeman. It spoke more to me as a man, being black and from the city and all, than old fashioned musicals. MJ told me when he brought me in, that he liked the musical called Chicago. He just wanted me to know off the bat, before I found out some other way. I told Michael I respected that. But personally I liked the Capeman. It has themes of multicultrual dress, and song, and vampires and the cautionary parts about mob justice and bettering oneself. I listened to the CD like everyday when I was in Detroit. When Christian tried to me to stop listening to Capeman on the team plane one night, i near killed him. I like the Capeman, and if this organization has a problem with that, I feel they should tell me to my face."
Guys its time to work this stuff out and work it out NOW! The playoff push is pressing firmly against the pensive buttocks that are the regular season!! Ive made my feelings clear about Salieri the GM and brainbug, but as a playa, i respect the man up to 100% most def., and if we make the playoffs, I say give Sally carte blanche, or "the white cart". The white cart is the final power, it us all knowing and on wheels!
Go wiz tonight. Stack and CLate, BigBen and RIP redux, MJ and Kwame, Phantom and his gay son, Phantom my phantom!! But not Anthony Goldwire, who received the most unkind cut of all, at least the unkindest since the day his foreskin came out early for the draft!
James - 5:05 PM
More Salieri slobbing, but this time from our Main Manchild of Adulthood DAVID ALDRIDGE!!! Oh, Dave! OH DAVE! SAlieri should not be celebrated for showing up. I SHOWED UP to WORK TODAY, WHERE"S my Tickertape parade? Where's my tribute column from Black Thanksgiving? Where's my whores? I SAY WHERE"S MY WHORES!@!!!! No where to be found. Darvin tried to scribe me a tribute column, but when he writes with crayon it's practically illegible. Ken Beatrice Intern tried to writre me a tribute column too, but I refuse to accept anything written in another person's blood. (Yes, Ken, I know you were just draining out the bad spirits, but keep the hemoglobin to yourself !!!!!). No true tickertape parade, though Darv and Ken recently did use the paper shredder on a bunch of Wizznutzz legal documents (seems that a lawsuit was filed by the CHinese Pro Basketball Association against the top secret God Shammgod Crown of Thorns that James and Christopher were developing), and then we threw all the paper up in the air and rolled in it and touched some. And the whores? We'll Rod Strickland's crotch is all healed up, so I can only hope that he brings his gimpy groin by for a booty call. CHIco's welcome too!
Dana - 9:11 AM
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Ralph Wiley, plays the Dozens with some joe called DUB, and delivers some kind of Hiphopping Edutainment Amos n Andy Uncle Remus Sportspoem Slam, all about a trickster character called Salieri, over at page 2. There will be more said about this piece in the coming days. But one thing is for sure, espn and Ralph WIley want us too know that Ralph WIley is a very very BLACK MAN. Blacker than a Brer Rabbit even. Perhaps even a black man's Michael WIlbon.
Outragous! Racist? Molasses!
James - 5:57 PM
A great week for the wizznutzz!!
We had our second big charity event last weekend at Wheaton Plaza in Maryland. About 60 wizznutzz fanatics and fanatics of spreading good charity to the community.
If you ever wondered what the poor people are all about, come out to the next wizznutzz event and contribute some money, and they will show you their secrets!!
The evnt was truly great, and we had a few BIG TIME celebrities for we unveiled our Charity Edutainment Express Hope Vehicle: The DUCKWAGON!! Super cool custom airbursuhing doated by "God Rods" car shop!! And big bullet legen Kevin Duckworth donated the van, for us to use to do charity work and spread edutainment message.
CLICK HERE TO SEE A PHOTO OF THE AWESOME VAN!!!
We will take groups of poor kids to games for example, in a special section, called Ducks Dudes!! They get shirts and hats and papa johns and PRIDE!! most important. Abe Pollin we also thanks for helping arrange Ducks Dudes,
and also the celebrity VIPs who gave there time for a small fund: Fred RERUN Berry!! Remember from Whats Happening??!! It was so cool to see him, and he lost so much weight, but I knew it was him as did all of us, on account of his red chappeau and his breakneck dancin skilzz!! And also a writer called Christopher Hitchens was there to. Hes a big deal we are told, by his agents!! Thanks chris, though you were quiet!! Modesty has a place on the DuckWagon too!!
Anyway we raised lots of money and esteems, and the van will be heading of on a 3 City Tour during the playoffs.
First stop : Motor City DETROIT!!!
Date TBA,
Location: Big Buck restaraunt (go straight to parking lot, please DONT enter the restauraunt they say)!
Celebrity GUESTs: Ben Wallace will be hosting Duckwagon Tekken Tourny!! =Hes good, and i dont suspect he willll let the poor kids win, just cause they are poor, but thats what learning to love yourself is all about, which we support. And maybe Mitch ALbom will be attending!!!
Proud feelings akimbo!!!
James - 5:33 PM
Thats a powerful article. Of course Kwame is so aticulate and poignant, yet sad. Its watershed I would say. Sheds of water dot the landscape. Most definitely! God the last lines kill me, that trade stuff.
Salieri has used his Tzarous influence to have Jordan's Steakhouse be the only retaurant in New York City where one can smoke as of next month.
That means Kwame can spend the rest of his career no longer having to answer questions about being loathed by his coach, but rather chain-smoking and drinking double-french dressings, neat, in NYCity after Salieri trades him to the Knicks for Clarence Weatherspoon and Mathew Broderick.
Outrageous.
In light of these hideous developments, the Kwame Complexion Meter has been updated. Net Nanny Warning! Contains hideous developments!
James - 12:26 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
YOU DAMN PHANTOM!!!! YOU ARE KILLING OUR KWAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read this heartbreaking article for proof about how Phantom and His Airballness are screwing up the Wizz's future and crashing the stock prices of French dressing makers everywhere!!!
Let me commentary on the highlights (THAT IS LOWLIGHTS):
Collins often cites forwards Charles Oakley and Bryon Russell as examples of players who maximize their limited playing time.
yeah, B. Russ has really lit it up this year. Yeah, mmmhhhmmm, right. HE has so much electricity he could light up the goddamn town of Potomac. And Oak? Please. That guy has to be dusted off before he enters the game.
Collins also has said that he "loves" Brown and that "nobody wants to see that kid succeed more than me."
If this is the way a Phantom shows love, then give me a gargoyle and a serial killer any day o' the week!!
Brown said yesterday he respects Collins, but he and his coach don't have a good relationship.
Great, phantom. It's just like when you rode a young Grant Hilll in Detroit, so much so that you just got kicked out of the Motor City (well, the pasty suburb of Auburn Hills, but STAY WITH ME PEOPLE). Phantom is a Young Playa killa. He's like Ted Nugent on a bow hunt: HE WILL KILL YOUNG PROMISE!!! AND WALLABYS
Brown also pointed out that Collins is in the unenviable position of trying to get the soon-to-be-retired Michael Jordan, the man who hired him, to the playoffs while trying to groom young players.
MMMMMMMHHHHHHMMMMM!!! Salieri is killing the future!!! He's a worse cancer than 20 packs a day, 16 bottles of Mad Dog and a strange hot dog in your buns!!! STAY WITH ME PEOPLE!!!
Brown said Collins needs to back off, like he did in the early part of the season, when Brown was playing his best basketball.
BACK THE EFF OFF, PHANTOM!!! Go get your damn organ and play some music and chill the eff out, you skullhead opera lover!!!!
Collins admitted then that he micromanaged Brown last season and he needed to ease back and let him grow at his own pace. Now that the playoff race has "everybody more on edge," Brown said Collins's handling of him has reverted to last season's stringent ways. "If this is not micromanaging, I need to look up the [word] again," Brown said. "M.J. told me he was tough on players like Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant. I don't understand the logic if it's not working. He admitted he micromanaged me, so why still do it?"
TELL IT KW.BROWN!!!! I HAD TO LOOK UP MICROMANAGED, TOO!! It showed a picture of Salieri and the Phantom and them whipping a young but supple and beautiful mule. I THINK IT WAS A METAPHOR!!!!!
Brown thinks that with Jordan retiring, he will get another shot to compete for more playing time and be more of the team's focus.
Kw.Brown, we can only hope this is the case. In fact, we hope that the Bald Bastage His Airballness Salieri Wife Cheater just ups and goes to Charlotte and runs that new franchise into the ground for Bob B.E.T. Johnson!!!! MAYBE SALIERI WILL MAKE CHARLOTTE AS BAD AS B.E.T. ON JAZZ! WE CAN ONLY DREAM!!!! That way we'd have Kw.Brown as the center of our Wizz attention, which means that we will have a chance down the road and through the nubile upcoming years as we reach our golden days and showers and soforth that will make me feel moist with pleasure and alive with pride for that which is WASHINGTON BASKETBALL. Kw.Brown, you are our future. Let us pray you are alllowed to be the center of this team, that the Phantom and his boring-ass perimeter ball-moving offense will be fired, and we will dump the ball into your suppleness. PLEASE DUMP YOUR BALL INTO MY SUPPLENESS!!! I love you Kwame. I...love...you.
Dana - 11:28 PM
Wizards get it done! The ony thing that would have made this sweeter is if CHris Whitney had defected. Actually it would have been much sweeter if The Phantom had played a right gentlrman KwBrown more than 8 minutes. But its because Coach Collins is an emotional mule.He cant even give his own team a pep talk. Not only because he is dealing with his gay sons repressed furies, but because he has tied his his soul to the clipped wings of Salieri. And I stroingly have feelings that this is because Collins still cant put his life together after he was part of the olypmpic basketball team that blew the gold to russia. His silver medal is still in a vault, and he went on to be a number 1 pick himself, and failed to fulfill its promise. And now his heart is in a vault or self-protection and insecurity, and he spends his anxious days inb the MCI dental chair asking, "is it safe?". SO much does he hate himself and communist political thoiught, that he has erected a Tzarist regime in which Salieri is royal. I dont know how he will find redemption, but I believe it will have something to do with the team's lone bolshevik, Jahidi WHite. Comrade Chubb, you are our only hope!
James - 5:16 PM
Honest Abe came out and fired up the troops before yesterday's game!!!! And the Wizz Won!!! ABE HAS A MAGIC TONGUE!! TRUST ME!!!
And yesterday coach Phantom had some dental work done---at the MCI CENTER!!! How cool is that? He had his big Phantom choppers jackhammered right at the arena!!! ABE LEONSIS AND TED POLLIN HAVE TRUELY MADE MCI AN ALL-PURPOSE FACILITY!!! The Downtown D.C. Renaissance is well-nigh here, as the Hooters in Chinatown well-nigh proves.
Dana - 7:23 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Damn! DANA I havn't seen you so passionate about something since they banned Rohypnol in Delaware!
I can't really disagree with you though.
Heres my take: Salieri like to talk about Desire alot, he is very Desirous to be sure, and well well well, if it isnt Kwame Brown, the most DESIREABLE man and child in the known unvierse?? Problem solved!
Wizznutzz special correspondent Dave Kohn of the DK Ball SPorts EMpire said to me over a half slab of Matilda Bay WIne coolers this morning:
" the final season is crumbling around Jordan like germany around Hitler circa 1945".
And then he told me some more about this guy Hitler and I realized those were strong words most definitely!
SO for those of you who need to be angered at Salieri for a while, before we rally behind the wizards for there epic playoff run, here are some sites to help you do it that way:
Reasons Not To Worship Michael Jordan website
Haters Club
Yehuda Levy's Anti-Michael Jordan Page, especially this piercing analytic paper on Stockton vs Jordan that Yehunda wrote for school.
Even the laddies at Maxim have turned.
In more positive news, Gus Johnson looks to be going to the basketball hall of fame. Its walways wonderful when one of us gets enshrined in something, especially if its in a hall of fame, and not an Applebees Legal summons. Gus played strongly for Washington for many years, before being sidelined by his death. He was a playa and baller, strictly and strate up.
They called him "honeycomb".
I called him simply, Gus Van Pants.
Sometimes, just V.Pants.
He was that special.
James - 10:14 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Kw.Brown!!!!!!!!!!! He turned 21 supple years old yesterday.
Oooohh! MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Black Thanksgiving Wilbon, the black man's Stuart Scott and the Oliver Hardy half to Tony Kombover's deformed Stan Laurel, gives SAlieri Jordan his weekly cleaning of the taint---that's the goose-pimply landing strip you guys have between the thighs; STAY WITH ME PEOPLE!!!!---in this commentary:
"The only thing wrong with Michael Jordan ripping his teammates is that he didn't do it early enough. He should have said the same thing, called out the same youngsters, but done it six weeks earlier. He should have assailed their fragile little egos and lack of passion and questionable dedication at the end of December, because everything he said was right on."
Put down your fork. Chew your mashed potatoes and turkey, Then bash your head on the PTI desk, Dr. Mr. Black Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Salieri has been beating his mules FOR MONTHS now. He's been saying "these young kids"---as opposed to these "elderly kids" (like Oak) or these "middle-aged kids" (like Salieri himself)?---and how they can't play for nothing ALL YEAR LONG. YOU NUTSACK!! YOU TAINT CLEANER!!!!
Then Black Thanksgiving gets all contemporary on our asses:
"Maybe [Jordan] should just consider playing somewhere else, where his teammates will practice with greater purpose and put down PlayStation2 or Xbox long enough to take some extra shooting..."
AN INSIDE SOURCE AT THE WASHINGTON POST TOLD ME THAT WILBON ORIGINALLY WROTE "ATARI" AND "PONG" IN THAT SENTENCE!!!!!!
mORE bLAck Thanksgiving wisdom:
"Jordan's value is in his willingness to pointedly challenge his teammates, put the fear of God into them, make them afraid to lose the next game or make the same mistakes the next night."
YEAH IT'S WORKED REALLY WELL THIS YEAR, YOU CRANBERRY EATER!!!! LOTSA A VALUE THERE, LIKE A 12-POUND FROZEN TURKEY!!!!
More:
"Jordan's not going to moonwalk away from these comments, or claim he was misquoted or taken out of context."
MOONWALK?????? MOOOOOOONNNNWALK???? LIKE I REPORTED, "ATARI" AND "PONG"!!!!! STAY WITH ME PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's a comment that WE WIZZNUTZZ HAVE BEEN MAKING ALL YEAR, and it comes in Black Thanksgiving's column via Boogie, our hero fave:
"As Larry Hughes, a quiet but perceptive young man, said yesterday, "It is different and it does take time to learn how to play effectively with a player who dominates the ball."
STEALS THE BALL!!! HOARDS THE BALL!!! THEY WHO YELLS WHEN NO ONE ELSE PLAYS WELL AROUND HIM!!!! DDDDDIIIIIIICCCCKKKKK!!!!!
Then the rest of the column devolves into a wishy-washy "well, these kids might come around" ass massage and an REALISTIC (oh my) explanation as to why the Wizz suck and why Phantom's offense is HORRIBLE for Stackhouse and other things that WE WIZZNUTZZ HAVE SAID ALL YEAR, all of which are COMPLETELY off- topic of Black Thanksgiving's original theme about how Salieri should have yelled at people weeks ago. EDITORS, PEOPLE!!!! USE THEM!!!! We here at Wizzntuz use them, you'd thinkt the Washinton PSot woulD USE THEM TWOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dana - 7:55 AM
Monday, March 10, 2003
Hey Darvin. I was watching "GlobeTrekker" on PBS and the little English host said, "Austrailia is a flat country." I thought, "So that explains Nicole Kidman's bum. But how does it deal with Elle MacPherson?" Think about it. Just think about it.
I'm still waiting for me Vegemite and me Colin Hay live-acoustic CD-R. BITCH!
I hate SAlieri. I hate him so. He's mean and untoward and faithless and he's wearing a white suit in the lockerroom when he should be wearing a poop-colored suit because that's what he's turned this team into. Poooooop. Just to rub it in---his faithlessness not the poop---here's that picture again of White Knight and his lady, Karla.
Kw.BRown, stay the course. We shall hold you one day. We shall hold you and that giant trinket of an NBA trophy they spill alcohol on at the end of the season----the reason why you are payed millions to be nubile, pliant, supple and mos def so so moist. In fact, after the practice this morning a very soaking Kwame said, "Everyone was kind of quiet, walking on eggshells. There wasn't a lot of joking around like there usually is. Guys were just going about their work."
Great, Salieri, you satchell de ballz. Eggshells. Just what this this team needs right now. I'M BEING SARCASTIC THERE. What this team really needs is a hot-oil massage and a schvitz.
Dana - 8:20 PM
Things are getting very salty indeed at Port Sea Dog! Following another aching loss in a must play game, Salieri berated his teammates, "its time to separate the mules from the donkeys" he might well have said. Salieri said he can count on both hands, and the donkey hands are more numerous than the reliable mules hands, says Salieri. David Dupree on espn radio said today that the mules who stepped it up only included, Jahidi!, Lue, dixon, Oakley, and maybe even KWAME!! But that leaves out a ferw big names. Stackhouse is a donkey??!! Says Sallieri.
Then Stack retorted, and did so Kurtly! "How can I be a ball hog If I dont get the ball?" offered Stackhouse is essence!
WHile wizznutzz gang is all about peace and edutainment, even peacemakers gotta stand strong sometimezz,
like Michael Jackson and his gang of dancing white Los Angeleans, setting out to dance and edutain, sure, but when it came to crunch, Jacko stepped it up and fought the Guy in the White Suit who wanted trouble. Salieri dons a white suit, both in our national purchasing consciousness and in real time! SCroll down for evidence!!
Time for mutiny for the sea dogs ????? How will Sister Fletcher Christian respond?
I love men, how they turn and probe and struggle.
The anguish doesnt stop there either. Phantom Collins little bastard offspring, Chris Collins, who is an assistant coach to COach Kryzesskkhefsskeevy at Duke, got mad physical with a very prescient Matt Dougherty!
Here is a picture.
But most disturbingly, is this CHris Collins message board. The poignant last entry says:
From: David
Email: david.caudle@sas.com
Chris, I was heartbroken when you got married. :) Hope you still enjoy the tapes.
DOugs Collins has a GAY SON!!!! and because doug doesnt accept his gay son, his son turns to fighting big manly top-men?? The hypocrisy must kill young chaser collins, as his stern father openly endorses the union between Jerry Stackhouse and his flame-retardant lifemate Gwiz.
This is a great time to be a wizards fan!!
James - 5:16 PM
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Oh woe is Wizz. And moist is Dana.
In the words of Billl Walton, "Thish ish teeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrwwwwwwiiiiiiiibbbbbbllllleeee! Thish ish an outwage!"
The Wizz lost to the Bucks last night, the team they were tied with for the 8th playoff spot in the East; this was a tiebreaker game. So what does Coach Phantom do to get his team ready for this game? And I quote: ""It was a big game but I sure tried to downplay the game," Collins said. "I did not try to add any pressure to our guys in any way."
YOU PHANTOM DUMBASS NUTSACK!!!! Well, your plan worked Phanton: The Wizz slept-walk through the game, as per, sensing no urgency to the game whatsoever. Hey ho! The Phantom has got to got! Hey Ho! Yes? You want me for something?
Sister Christian had another great game: 19 points, 8 rebounds and 5 assists. On their last possessioon, with seconds remaining, he even did his patented fake-shot-that-no-one-falls-for-then-drive-a-step-and-dish to give to the Wizz a chance to win. Sis Chris tossed the ball to Boogie, but Boogie froze: "I just was thinking about too many things -- getting behind the line, the clock," Hughes said. "When I caught it I didn't feel [right]. I thought maybe one pass . . . it would be a cleaner shot. But the pass wasn't even clean to get a good look." He dumped the ball to Salieri who took an awkward last-second shot. Why didn't Boogie shoot? SALIERI. This team is so dependent on him, and cowering toward him---have you ever seen Kw.Brown get the ball and just power-up like he owns the rock? No. He just passes the ball immediately back to Jordan or Stack, or he takes two steps and loses the ball with his small hands as he tries to kick it to a corner----thar's the true Jordan Rules. No one feels comfortable with him on the team; they all feel deferential to him. No one will step it up, give 110%, take the game into their own hands, take me into their own hands, manhandle me with their own hands, and make me feel like a real woman in their own hands.
Speaking of bad touches and bad hands, look at whast Crazy Tom Knott writes in his latest jibber-jabbery Wash Times column: "...the enigmatic nature of Brendan Haywood's hands. You never know which pair of hands he is going to bring to the workplace, either the bad ones or the worse ones." What are engimatic hands? WHatever TOM! Keep smoking what you're smokin' (and don't bogart it!). Enigmatic Hands MUST mean STONE HANDS!!
Here's some more Phantom--Salieri Axis of Evil classics, all at the expense of poor Kw.BRown: "I don't think there's any question Kwame would have been more ready to play NBA basketball if he were a rookie next year, after two years of also being the star on college team," Collins said. Collins wants the minimum NBA age to be 20. THEN WHY DID YOU GENIUSES DRAFT THE MANCHILD, OTHER THAN HE'S BEAUTIFUL AND SUPPLE AND PLIANT AND PRETTY MUCH BENDABLE AND DELICTABLE IN EVERY WAY? You get what you draft. Phantom--SAlieri. Me? I'm trying to get with what you drafted, if you know what I'm sayin'. KWAME, CALL ME!!!
Here's our Main Lady Sally Jenkins taking it to Salieri! Look at this line in her column about how everybody but karla Knafel in blowing Salieri just for showing up to work with back spasms (big effin' deal): "Watching Jordan this week, it was hard not to cringe at the way everybody from head coach Doug Collins to the team doctor to this newspaper lionized him for playing with pain." RIGHT ON SAL! My back is effing killing me right now from all the pretzel shit I did last night, but look at me! I'm heere at the Wizznutzz office, typing up my game report and kicking ken in HIS sack and doing all the normal stuff I have to do because I"M PAID TO DO IT> Well, not paid, I'm an intern, but still, I WILL CONTINUE TO KICK KEN IN HIS SACK DESPITE THE PAIN!!!
Here's another line from SAlly's piece, that touches on the same thing that I harp on all the time: SAlieri's influence is awful and he merely tears down people and they cower around His Airballness and don't feel like the can contribute anythign to the team: "But I'd admire Jordan's professionalism more if he didn't constantly discuss the state of his body, and suggest that he's the only one doing any real work around MCI Center. The buried implication in the above statement is that his effort was somehow superior, and that he can't count on his teammates to do as he does."
SALIERI JORDAN IS A CANCER TO THE WIZZ, STUNTING THEIR GROWTH LIKE A 20-PACK A DAY HABIT!!! WE WILL FEEL HIS TEAM DESTROYING PRESENCE FOR YEARS TO COME!!! MARK OUR WORDS!! And do tell a friend.
Dana - 8:41 AM
Friday, March 07, 2003
Hey everybody, did you know that Michael Salieri Jordan and his wife Juanita Dixon Jordan got married in Vegas at the Little White Chapel (is that racist)? When then did he hook up with Karla Knafel? Las Vegas love is true love. I know, many times over. Here is a photo of Karla and Salieri in happier days. You may be thinking, "Nice hair." I would point out, "How can you tell? He's wearing a hat. And white sweat suit. Is that racist?"
L BOOGIE AND KW.BROWN ARE WEARING HEADBANDS 2NIGHT!!! THAT'S NOT RACIST!!!
Dana - 7:20 PM
Only 39 days left on Lorenzo's Clock! And if technology existed to build a dual Loy Vaught/George McLoud clock, there would be 39 days left on that too!
How about it science??!!?!?
James - 1:22 PM
No game tonight so Darvins got mad linkzz for youzz!! Tomorrow night is a big 8-seed shoot out. Its another MUST PLAY GAME for the wiz. Salieri is back from his back spasms, cause he got "electronic stimulation". Not only did he get "electronic stimulation" but he also said about this season that hes "going down with no bullets."
All of which reminds me of DANA's budding sexuality during the fall of 1997.
The Washington Post chimes in about the play of big men and that evanescent phantasm, "DESIRE." Brendan Haywood talks about "taking it to the cup". Ahh, I love the Black Irish!
Sycophant Michael Wilbon, the black Stuart Scott, writes about the gentle but knowing dance between Kobe and Salieri. Its extremely homoerotic, which we support up to 50% . Its more homoerotic that the phrase "playing in the Spectrum" and equally as homoerotic as any scene from the movie "Heat". Because Michael Wilbon is also the Black Michael Mann.
And a compelling sit down with Kwame Brown from last year, where the Manchild open up and talks NBA 2K3!!
FInally some great news! Ratko Varda has eluded the Yugoslav army for yet another year and has landed in the Adriatic Basketball League. Congratulations Ratko!!!! but Ratko, you cant run away from yourself forever!! Face your demons and the uniforms! Ken will be the first to tell you, discipline will make you a man!
James - 12:33 PM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Hey guys. Great great win last night!! I love garbage time!! Kwame was furtive and elegant, yet pert and pliant. BUT the best part was seeing the biggest member of our family finally clamber of the bench.
I think the song "Minnie the Moocher" summed up my feelings best:
"Hihi hidi hidi HO!" "Hidi hidi hidi HO!"
"Hidi hidi hidi HAY!" "Hidi hidi hidi HAY!"
He was SO PRESENT! And so timely! Because while I was in Australia, I finished up a book of advice for how to handle life's many challenges with panache, and pancakes!
SoPlease enjoy this first exclusive installment of:
"Things I Learned From Jahidi: Observations, knowledge, nuggets for a rewarding life."
James - 6:11 PM
DARVIN!! Ken just called into the office. He muttered about being in a "secret location" and then screamed "OSAMA BEN WALLACE!" just before the phone went dead. What's going on here? I'm really scared. And slightly titillated.
Dana - 12:35 PM
Three nights ago Ken went out to meet Phil Chenier for a drink. He didnt show up until today, and all we can get out of him is the word "Osama." He keeps saying it. I think somethings afoot. Ken has this dark ability. He predcited the coup in russia for example, as well as Mark Price's Plantar Fascitis.
James - 11:18 AM
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Tallyhoo me mates!!! Darvin is back from the colonies, and back with a heaving scrum, buckety bang bang walkabout, and a royal punch in the undies!! Wow, thanks for stepping it 100% and 50% while I was upon the floating turd. So much happened while I was away!!!. But first off, here is a still life I composed while in Australia:
I call it "FEARPOUCH: Still Life with Bullets Jersey and Dead Wallaby."
A wallaby is like a Kangaroo but smaller and more docile, just like Jim Lynam is a smaller more docile version of Australian film legend Yahoo Serious!!!
See Jim Lynam magically morph into Mr Yahoo Serious right here!!!.
Now I sort of understanbd what Ken means when he talks about the back of his eyelids being alive when hes in the mothering hut!!
Things are great in AUstralia, but diffeent. Whereas we eat Executive Nachos, Australians eat Pasties. I havnt had so much pastie since Jim McIlvaine played in Washington! They also use "Ryming slang" there. For an example they called me "DumbledoreSlam", cause Dumbledore is a wizard from Harry Potter, and Potter rimes with Potted meat, which is Spam which rimes with HAMSlam!!
Me i like comedy where people fall over and stuff. But thoise Auzzies , They are so incredibly clever!
So the wizrads have gone to the loo while I was gone!! Jahidi is back, and is performing well as a counterlever on the bench is see. His only rebounds i see are hypoglycemic rebounds. As for jahidis legal woes, we dont support hostilities to women up to 100%, but we believe in the system also. Over at NBA.com, you can email Wizards conditioning coach Jim Hughes. Mr Hughes is the keeper of Jahidi and got him the body he has today, and is a bestselling nutrition auther, famous for creating a new food pyramid that replaces fish, fruit AND vegetables with faygo cream soda. Jahidi, in court, you should present for the defense the sugar high theory!!.
Its March so that means injuries, bulge, not being in the playoff seeds, and 10 day comntract time!! Anthony Goldwire bought ANdrew Gazes 10-day contract off Ebay for $290!!! Anthony Goldwire reminds me of a young Jeff McInnes. Best thing about Big Ant Goldstein is that he comes from the Yakama Sunkings, and WHO should be his point guard for the Sunkings but MITCHELL BUTLER!
Wow picking Anthony over Muitchell must have been hard. Like when you go to the pound and mom says "just ONE dog darvin". whichever dog you take you still feel sad. But you get over it, and then the dog goes to dog heaven, which it turns out is in a green plastic bag at the tip.
As for Kwame, I feel a great sadness. WHile he was getting DNPs and smallhanded minutes, I developed a sympathy rash for him, under the hot austalian sun. I underdstand that sometimes Kwame is a bit out of it early in games, but thats because he is what the Yiddish call a "luftmensch", an impractical contemplative person having no definite business. A luftmensh means "air man" in German. Someone who always seems to have his head in the clouds? Kwame is such an airy appellation, floating on facile wings. But the children are our future and there dreams are our future. We could all be part of one big Kwame dream, like in the Matrix movie. That woukd explain why I spent all of last weekend dicing shallots and exploring my soft body in the mirror.
Only air-man Kwmae can lead us into the promised land of buttermilk and playoffs, like a black Brigham Young!!!
James - 3:11 PM
Wizz lost tore Raptors AGAIN, and the season just gets worse and worse. Phantom stinks. Stone Hands stinks. KW. BRown don't play enough. BRian Cardnial is working at a car wash. Hidi is too fat to play. I saw him on the bench last night. He looked like an overweight porpoise in his chair. You know how NBA sweatpants have buttons on the side so they can tear them open and run into the game really fast and all? Hidi's sweatpants have double stitching on the side and a belt and suspenders around the waist. He knows he's not gettin' off the pine.
Here are the Wizz MVPs, besides Kw.BRown, of course, as proven by last night's game:
Boogie Hughes: 15 points, 6 rebs and 4 assists.
Sister Laettner: 12 points, 12 johnny rebs
Washington Times reported this:
Following a timeout in which center Brendan Haywood missed a point-blank layup, Collins told the 7-footer, "Son, you've gotta dunk the ball!"
Stone Hands Haywood just kills this team!
WizLook at this Wash Times account of another Stoney Killer moment
With the Wizards down 87-84 following a layup by Vince Carter (24 points), Washington's Christian Laettner notched a pair of free throws with 50.7 seconds left. And after Laettner grabbed a rebound, the Wizards used their last timeout with 25 seconds to play. However, Stackhouse missed a layup that was stoutly challenged by Antonio Davis, and Haywood could not corral the rebound.
It bounced off his ignatious rock hands and bounced away even though NO ONE ELSE TOUCHED HIM OR THE BALL. Haywood has damn boulders at the end of his arms. Ever see someone try to dish one to him under the basket? He looks like a seal trying to palm a beach ball. STINKS!
Darvin is still feeling the effects of TOO MUCH WALLABEE while he was Down Under !! HE's gonna try to check in later today though! Czech! Checks!
Dana - 9:21 AM
Monday, March 03, 2003
Hey everybody!!! DARVIN'S HOME!!! I just talked to him on the phone!! He said, "Top o' the morning to ya, Dana! Have a bite o' me Vegamite sandwich. Would you like a dead wallabye with that basketball?" DARVIN IS SO AUSTRAILIAN NOW!!!! COOOL!!!
Here's why the Wizz season is over; this is Doug The Phantom Collins as quoted in the Washington Post story about Juanita Bacon Dispenser Dixon's point guard skillz:
"Juan is still learning," said Collins, who added that so was he when it comes to his personnel.
YOU ARE STILL LEARNING YOUR PERSONEL? There are 23 games left you dumbass! You'd think you'd check a scouting report, figure out who's on your team you DAMN PHANTOM! Let me introduce you to the team's savior: Kw.Brown, the nubile narcisuss that you've had parked on the bench for most of the past two weeks. Hey, meet Brian Cardinal---he was the chez whitey you waived last week. Hey, Bobby Simmons, meet your coach. Anthony Goldwire, enjoy your Andrew Gaze 10 Day ContraCT, but don't start looking to buy in the DC area. B Russ? Member him? He stinks, but member him? Hidi White? He's the fat guy at the end of the bench. Everyone else is injured. THIS IS YOUR AWESOME TEAM PHANTOM!!! Make due!!!!
Dana - 11:23 PM
Thursday, February 27, 2003
I'm so excited from today's game that I'm sitting in a puddle of mine own pleasure!!!! Have you thyne own pleasure? SIT IN IT!!! Wizz beat Yao Mings 100-98 in overtime. Lil Lue got hurt and was woozy when his head was crushed to the floor. HE LOOKED LIKE KEN AFTER A DAY AT OUR OFFICE!! It was an awesome cool game that the Wizz were up by 20 for then they blew it ans then they won it and it was all good but THIS ONE STAT!!!!!!
>K. Brown DNP - Coach's Decision
KWAME DNP? WHAt the hell? TOm Ridge just set the country to CODE RED because of this transgression against U.S. soverngity!! It would be understandable to see a Kwame DNP if he was hurt, but he's not; he's a nubile narcissus, one capable of running at 50% for a 48-minute game in its entirety, and when you're KWAMES!!! you need only give 50% to get 6 points and 5 rebs!!!! AND THAT's WHAT WE EXPECT!!! Doug Phantom Collins has just made me plotz!!! I do not know what that means, but I've most surely done it---twice!!! Damn you PhantoM!!!!! You dind't give Jahidi Flippers Intimates any time either; he got a big fat DNP too, with an empahsis on the "big fat" I think Hidi was eating some Executive Nachoes on the bench! It looked like he was rockin' Xtra Cheese!!!!
Hey, everybody who reads this today, please write me!!! I'm so lonely until Darvin returns, and Ken is just now returning to consciousness (sorry about the roofies, Ken!!!). Please send me an e-mail: wizznutzz@yahoo.com. You can just say HIDANA or you can say Hi and tell me your favorite Wizards moments and what you were doing to yourself while you were viewing said moments (i,e., shaving while watching C Webb get his first double-double in his stylish Bulletz red, or possibly tossing a salad as The Bomb Squad Tim TOm Legler and Brent Mark Price shot 3 for 15 from the field. DON"T FORGET REX CHAPMAN MOMEMTNS!! He was so incandescent!! Especially in his teeth!!!)
Here's a long ass article about Patrick "Beans" Ewing. I didn't quite finsih it because I got sleepy about midway through the PATRICK IS BESTEST claim (there are thousands), and it doesn't look like they mention the Gold CLub at all!!!
Michael Black Thanksgiving Wilbon musta realzied that Salieri only had 20something games left: "Crikey, I better put down this cranberry sauce and send the Post another one of my already-written MJ IS THE BEST columns! I'll throw in some Yao references and then it'll be back to the Turkey and taters! AND THE DIRECTV! MOMMA I'm COMIN' HOME!"
Dana - 10:47 PM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
THANK GOD FOR ROD!!! Hit and run!!! Hit and run!!! Hit and run!!! (That's what Rod used to call his booty calls with me.)
But I guess the truth has finally come out as to why I didn't update the WizzBlog until last night and why I'm so depressed:
"A woman was arrested for obstruction with force, a gross misdemeanor, after she allegedly confronted police officers interviewing Strickland. Police reports said she pushed and swung at an officer. She was released from jail Monday night."
Jail is a bitch, y'all, but I loved the three squares a day.
Dana - 1:48 PM
Monday, February 24, 2003
Hi everybody. I'm depressed. Darvin has been gone for more than a week. Ken has been, uh, missing, yes, missing, but surely he'll return. I swear he'll return. He may be bruised, but I swear he'll return. If he wakes up. That's it; he's sleeping. Just resting his eyes. Ahh, I feel better. See you soon, Ken.
Anyway, with Darvin gone and Ken sleeping, it's been very quiet around WizzNutzz HQ. Christopher and James have been very busy as of late, and they've just been checking in on their cell phones. I tell them everything is fine, but everything isn't fine. I'm depressed. And lonely. Where's Rod and Chico when you need a pick-me-up? (not to mention a throw-me-down).
Wizz are losing a lot. L Boogie is out three weeks with an ankle sprain. Kw.Brown is playing, like, 5 mins a game.
Darvin: Don't be surprised if y'all find me with a death grip around a bottle of Old Crow when you return. BUT WAKE ME FOR THE VEGEMITE SANDWICHES!!!!!!!!!
Dana - 9:47 PM
Friday, February 21, 2003
Hidi, noooooo! Our fave thong model has been accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Utah. We Wizznutzz don't believe it. Hidi is injured !!!! He can only assault a sandwich, not a lady! From this point forward, alll profits from the sales of Jahidi White rugged intimates will be gathered together for a legal fund that we shall call "Hidi's Flippers: If the fin don't fit, you must acquit!" Order your Hidi thong today! Save the Seal !!!!
Dana - 9:41 AM
Thursday, February 20, 2003
tonight the wizards lost again, and while they lost, i was around the world, on the other side, burying a dead wallaby under a pile of loose stones. Its funny how that is. That thing with basketball and wallabys, on the earth , round and turning.
James - 3:34 AM
Monday, February 17, 2003
Hi Darvin in Ausstraliia!! TOP OF THE BARBIE, TO YA MATE!!! A TALLY HO!! (which was my nickname in college!) Have a bite of me Vegemite sand-wich!!! Have you seen Colin Hay yet? How about Croc Hunter Dundee? Did you ask him to sing any Men at Work numbers? IT"S A MISTAKE, MATE!!!! Croc Dundee Hunter don't sing no Men at Work!!!!!
Our friends at SportsFan Magazine put up a link to our DC Retro Jeresies!! See Patrick Hruby, you thieving Moonie, that's how you do it!!! Don't go bitin' our shit!!! PINEAPPLEHEAD IN DC AND HRUBY are ENEmeis Numer One and Two and Two and Numerb ONE!!!!! AND THEY ARE NUMBER TWOs FOR SURE!!!
Wizz game cancelled today because we have about 24 inches of snow---which is sorta like the name of Canadian dancehall artist Snow's first LP!!! I LOVE CANUCK RAGGA!!! He's my favorite artists this side of the Debarge clan. Member his song "Informer"? No? Lemme flow 4 ya:
What's up man hey yo what's up
Yeah what's goin' on here
Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here
You know what I'm sayin'
Yo Snow they came around here lookin' for you the other day
Word word bust it
Informer you no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky Boom Boom Down.
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN TO Y'ALL!!!
Dana - 8:58 PM
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Hey Guyzz!! can you be;lieve this, Im in australia 4 real! its sunny, and there are bats near where I am, and I had some "brekkie" this morning. And heroin= SO CHEAP!!
im told
THings have been very productivre so far. Sportsfan magazine is must read material in australia it turns out so Im a bit of celebrity where ever I go. I even got to hang out with a guy called heath ledger who let me do a walk in role in the new movie coming up called NED KELLEY. I played a black british Magistrate called Right Honorable Gentleman!! and I say "HANG ye Ned Kelley, by your rotten neck!!!"
But the best part is that I found out that in africa the name KWAME means "born on Saturday". !!! How kool is that!! KWAME BROWN is MR SATURDAY NIGHT!!! I wonder if kwame ever lies awake and nioght wondering where his people came from, and if they have french dressing there. But thanks god for colonialism tho kwame, cause the french took their dressing far and wide in the continent!
Hope you guyz all kjeep warm. I will continue to represent the wizards and the wizznutzz to my abilities, most definitely, and i brought ball point pens from the new world for the locals!!!
James - 7:09 PM
wITH another bad Wizz loss, 109-77, and the younger peoples not playing, and Stack out, and stuff, it's getting hard to watch. Now we have two feet of snow on the ground, and we can't leave the WizzNutzz offices---it's just me and Ken stuck here, eating microwave popcorn, elder pizza crusts, and cartons of Vegemite that Darvin brought back last time he went to Austrailia. In other words, with James and Christopher stuck at home, and Darvin playying soome b-ball with Andy Gaze in Melbourne, it's lonely around here---and with Ken getting his usual winter psychosis and stir-craziness, more than a little frightening (I've never seen anyone be able to jam so many products up his nose in one sitting than ken did last night. After his nasal cavity was full, his eyes started bugging, his mouth was foaming, and he started laughing and screaming "It's your show!!! It's my nose!! It's your show!! It's MY NOSE!!!")
In order to placate myself during this wintertime bblues and try to make me feel better, I gagged Ken and shut him into the broom closet and I've already read 16 times the online version of Dirty Uncle Pete's awesome and cool SportsFan Magazine story on Our Dear Elders james and Christopher, and you can click here and read it too!!!! Thx again Uncle Pete! I promsie to give you the Dirty Sanchez Hummer that you requested!!!
Later I let Ken out of the closet and we went out and made this Snowmanchild !! Ken drank a lot of blue kool aid and inscribed the Wiz logo in the most appropriate manner!! Good aim, Ken!!
Dana - 6:30 PM
Friday, February 14, 2003
Look everybody!! Patrick Hruby of the Washington Times and ESPN Page 2 is bitin' our shit! Click here for his shameless swipe.
Now click here for the O.G. (aka the funny version).
Dana - 5:21 PM
Bye Darvin!!! I'll hold down the fort while you're gone!!! I'll hold down Ken, too! He's very wispy and not much of a fighter. Should be no problem!! Especially with these shackles!!
aNOTHER WIZZNUTZZ EXCLUSIVE!!!! G-WIZ PROtotype costume sketch!! When the Wiz were trying to figure out how to replace the Bulletz mascot, HOOPS, they first tried to include some b-ball elements like with their much maligned rim-and-basket head with eyes, as to not shock the kids (Kwame, Etan, etc), but of course they wanted to use some fresh Wizz flava!! See the early spawn of the Abe Pollin Invitro-Fertalization Mascot Farm, complete with the competing and conflicting top-secret memos from Honest Abe and Susan O'Malley about what they thought of the redesign!!! CLICK HERE FOR FULL TOP SCECTER ARTWORK!!!!
Wiz are gnnna be sitting Kwame and Etan an d Antiseptic Dixon and other young people. The season is, alas, over.
Dana - 2:47 PM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
My friends, Darvin, me myself, am off to Australia for bloomin onions and did-jee-madoos! I cant wait to catch up with my aboriginal brothers and go walkabout with them and stuff! I will bring back Vegemite for ken cause he likes to make these snacks called "pigs in a blanket" with bacon that are yummy, but he says with vegemite, he can make a new snack called "pigs in their own feces". You go KEN!! weirdo!
I will also be chillin with our main man Andrew Gaze. Take the Gaze quiz and test your knowledge!! And also I will be tracking this guy down in Warnabool. He says he needed to get out. He got out.
Thanks to all wizznutzz for the going away party last night and Dave and Busters!!!. James and Christopher were real cool and splurged and rented the Juan Dixon Super SHot Machine for a whole hour!!!
But Jimmy Oliver is always at the machine, not just for this party, but just always and always, says the manager, and he gets violent if you try and ask him to leave. He owns all the high scores and has blidsters on his palms, so part of the rental contract made us include jimmy, but he was OK.
All money raised went to wizznutzz, dave and busters and the Juan Dixon CHarity for Increased Sterilization in Youth SPorts. Juan was supercool, and had is policeman broither come by cause he was one the road last night, and we auctioned off Juans Miniature basketball Antiseptic Tote. Juan always brings his own balls to amusement ceneters, because hes a role model, and this is what he brings when he does:
James - 3:43 PM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
We've got the full exclusive collection of prototype RETRO JERSEYS right here!!! Click on the orange and see what all the kidz and 44-year-old Washington Post sportswriters will be wearing in the neAR future!!!! This is a WizzNutzz exclusive!!! You owe it to yourself and your children and your children's baby's mommas to look at this page if you wanna know what's hot!!!! (Think crotchless molehair wrestling suits from Binghamton U.!!! Now think about it again!!!! DOESN"T IT FEEL GOOD!!??"")
James and Christopher are featured in the new issue of Sportsfan Magazine in an excellennt fesature by Alltime Honorary Forever WizzNutzz family member Pete Sweigard. If Bram Weinstein is our Poppa, Pete is our Dirty Uncle!!! Welcome to the family PETE!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! (Even if you didn't mention me and Darvin by name inyour article and instead you only mentioned intern Ken Beatrice, who is just a dirty nobber who always screws up the office equipment and is always entering malaicious code into the Web site and who is always opening attachments from "Big Boss" and infecting our network and who is always falling for the "Delete this file from your computer" e-mails and thereforre rendering TONS of hard work useless, which is why this site looks rough from time to time despite all of us working TOTALLY HARD to make this site TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL!!!!) Still, Pete, we love you!!! And we are taking care of Ken in the Mothering Hut for extended periods to curb his now outsized ego and inflated sense of self-importance to WizzNutzz Inc. WE SHALL TEACH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pete's supercool superfan story will be online here in a few days. Right now you can read about Caps superfan Edison Dick!!! He's really old but he still prints his first name on the back of a Caps jersey!! WHich is probably smart relatively speaking since his last name is Dick!!! There's so many inventive and clever things Flyers fans (since they are the only ones at Caps games) could do with a target like "Dick 99" on a Caps sweater!!! WE KID CUS WE LOVE!! Not love dick (though I don't mind it, if i do say so myself), but the Caps!! We are big Caps fans!! WE ARE DISTENDED AND ENGORGED CAPS FANS!! Me and Darvin will write a column about basketball and hockey very soon for LCS HOckey!!!
By the way, the gam elast night sucked!!! MORE KWAMES, LESS B RUSS!!! DOWN WITH SALIERI!!! Up with Antiseptic Dixon!!!!
MORE WIZZNUTZZ breaking NEWS!!! Rip Hamilton and Phantom Collins have "relationship"; is Phantom trying to woo back Rip to Wizz? ALDEMARN UNSELD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND LOOK AT THIS QUOTE: ""Me and Doug have conversated a lot since I've been traded here," Hamilton said. "I think it's more of us having a relationship." CONVERSATED!!! TLA!! TLA!!! TLA!!!
Dana - 7:00 PM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Hey everybody!!! When I was down in Hotlanta for All-Stars Weekend, everybody was wearing retro jerseys!!! It was awesome and cool!!! WHO WOULDN"T WANT a REGGIE THEUS POWER-BLUE SAC TOWN KINGS JERSEY!!! I got to know the people who make the retro jerseys---VERY WELL, if you know what I'm humming!!!! Anyway, since the Wes Unseld jersey is the number one seller, the men there showed me some of their proto-types for future Bulletz retro jerseys that they hope will replicate Wes' success!! Now, as a WizzNutzz exclusive, we share them with you!!!!!
Dana - 10:52 PM
I have one landslide of a hangover!!!! HOTLANTA, I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! AND I LOVED YOU FOREVER!!! Those Jahi Intimates really work!!! Especially on NBDL hopefuls and hopelessesss!!!!! (p.s. Some people ask me, "Hey Dana, are those real?" I just slap the sucka and say, "Everything in the WizzNutzz store is 4 Real and ready for purchase. In fact, I'm trying to upload myself 4 sale." How come people think we are making stuff up? PRODUCTS IS REAL!!! So is WizzNutzz!!! So is the Mothering Hut!!!
Well, it only took 50 games for the Wizz to find out what the 76ers and the Golden Staters knew from his first three years in the league: Larry "L Boogie" Hughes isn't a point guard. Lil' Lue is gonna start in his place. We love Lil Lue, aka Mushmouth, here at WizzNutzz as you can see from Sioux23's beautiful inspiration portraiture. But it feels like Mugsy reborn when he's out there, even though Lue is taller and can look Dana in the eye and other body parts!! Dana is tall!! I'm large and in charge!!!! We'LL SEE how it all works out with L Boogie of the bench, and he'll play with B Russ and Antiseptic Dixon, which is cool cause it means Juanita Dixon Jordan Dixon gets to play more. Alderman Unseld you heard our prayers!!!! Now if you can get Kwames in there for 48 minutes a game, even if he only gives 50%, I think the Wizz will have a legit shot at Bron Bron!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Crap!! Black Thanskgiving Wilbon is back playing >"Polish the Salieri" in his column!!! Here is the best line "We can forget about Mariah's dress (yeah, boyee!)." That's the work of a 44-year-old man!!!! Bring the noise!!! Street smart and full of thanksgiving!!!! Normally we have to wait two weeks between Wilbon's Salieri shines; it must be Hotlanta's mashed potatos and turkey breaking down Wilbon's defenses!! Tryptofan is a honoroary WizzNutzz!!!!!
Dana - 7:53 AM
Monday, February 10, 2003
DANA, it sounds like an awesome trip!! We missed the end of the game 'cause the Circuit City in Beltsville closed during the first OT, but Ken watched it from outside his ex-wives window and told all about it when we got him from the holding tank.
For my dollar, Mariah gave a beautiful and moving composition to Salieri! It had CLASS written all over it. Some women, lots of them even, like to call Mariah a slut and a crazy, cause they are Haters or worse, and they are jealous of her great gifts, both in her voice department and her physical department too!! But to those who dont hate, but particppate, like the Wizznutzz, she is all about beauty and innocence and what is good, and to dream, the children are the future you know.
To us in the beltsville circuit city, for one special night, she was our Latin Anne Archer, so dutiful and clean.
Dana even got her seff photographed oith Mariah.
Danas is wearing her cool Kwame dress she made: See the turquoise "5"'s!!! Adn Jimmy Lynam even managed to sneak his mug in there, we Love you Jimmy the Rat, you Peasant Cultivator!!!
SO wizznutzz onmnimedia takes another wing, and it flaps! We attirbute our success to our mottos, like "Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.", which we say to ourselves and which soon will be monogramend on special edition fundraising Jahidi WHite Intimates, to motivate and look fine! and TRUE!
The latest step in our sweaty climb, is sportfan magazine! WHo is naming us, FANS OF THE MONTH!!! Look for exclusive copies of sportsfan magazine at all Wizznutzz endorsed establishemnts like Greveys, Giant, Modells, Bigg Wolff, The Green Turtle, Zanzibar, University of MD Fraternity Rowm and The floor of SCott SKiles Dodge Dart. And look for our awesome interview with the Pete Sweigarttdd in the magazine and online at sportsfanmagazine.com, but dont look now!! Because its not online yet. We respect Pete Sweigret very much, for his probing questions. His team broke the story on the death of Phil Chenier, so we are flattered. And thanks to explotijng talent like that, we get so many people to our site now, this may be the beginning of an important scene like when Dyaln first played in Bleeker street, or when Camus and Sartre had there first absynthe macchiatto at "The Deux Maggots" in Paris..
But we are humbles and praise jesus for everything and we keep our Nutzz behind our Wizz and being humble to those who came bfefore, like that guy Mahir. .
You see, SOme people survive their famous scenes, like Dorothy Parker and her Algonquin Round table, and others are broken buy it, like Brent Price and Tim Legler and the too powerfulBOMB SQUAD.