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Wednesday, October 29, 2003

wie gefällt Ihnen Apfel !!!!!

Head on over to the New and imprioved WIZZNUTZZ site!
Designed by germans!


James - 7:19 PM

Friday, October 24, 2003

I hope u enjoyed those Shamgoddities!

heres a few more quick links and a heartfelt message.

Go Juwan Howard !!

And the Toronto Star has a PENTRATING piece on the change in the wizards since Herr Salieri left on his fiery mule.
My favorite parts is when they talk about Michael Jordan rubbing kwame brown raw!!!!, and aslo how the "dark murals" have been removed from outside the locker room. Those dark murals were not just paintings my friends!!!

Preseason is coming to an end, and every credable sports annual and web site projects the wizards last ir near to it in the eastern conference.

The Oregonian aka "The Rashy Lady" newspaper braintrust suggests Gilbert Arenas is the worst free agent signing and that Kwame should put up or shut up!!!

Well, come back next week and see what we know that they dont when we give our informed incites and predictions for the season that bears down upon us like Jahidi on a naked and frightened Shia Laboeff!!!!!!!!!

The wizznutzz will be preapring for the season by slipping on our game-worn Greg Ballard shorts we got in bulk on ebay, crowding around a circuit city widescreen TV this saturday at 12 noon,. with a hot plate of Ken Beatrice Memorial Pom Noisettes and letting our imaginations seize us, watching the ESPN Classics rerun of the 1992 Bullets/Bulls game featuring Harvey Grant and AJ "Albert" English battling Micahel Jordan 10 years before his poisonous Salierous mission to DC!!!

James - 6:15 PM

JAHIDI bleeds garlic sauce from eyes!

Preseason GOD SHAMGOD Updates!

As reported lasy year on wizznutzz.com, "The Shamgod" has become one of street balls most desirous maneuvers!!
Check it out here and here

And read the touching story about the white florida teen who calls himself "PALE RYDA" and uses the Shamgod to elicit comparisons to a young Clint Eastwood!

CHeck out the young musical group that goes by the name Shamgod to spread their "intellipoprock" message of faith and social aimlessness!!!

Read the beautiful poem God/SHamgod!!:

So true!!!!! Thank the world for poets, and their oral traditions.
Poetry is tranquillity recollected in emotion, but TELL THAT TO THE ITALIAN FUTURISTS!!!!!!!!!

But we saved the best for last.
Last year we introduced you to a lovely creature that was rescued from the Abe Piollin InVitro Farm. You can see how he has flourished now that he can live his normal life, and not as a chromosomal whore for the cruel eugenic ways. See how shiny he is: CALBERT CHEANEY!!!

Well Calbert is about to have a new friend!!!

MEET SHAMGOD!!!!! aka "Black Limousine", long and black and shiny!!!
To call him deep-flanked, thick topped and scrotal maybe true but no words can describe the aroused-for-a-price majesty of this Gods creature!!!

Together these animals will find new fulfilling life on the Jarvis Hayes farm!

Yeah God Shamgod! If you let him, God Shamgod will change your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James - 5:56 PM

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Wizards coach E Jordan is tired of "soft play." STACKHOUSE TELLS G-WIZZ SAME THING, ASKS TO FIRM UP, ADD MORE AIR TO SUIT, STOP WEARING MESH! "I don't want to accept soft play," mR. dR., jOrdan said. Jerjer Binkshouse was more forceful in demanding his partner's tumescence: "If you don't play hard, I'm taking the shiv! I will be out of your rotatingtion, and you will be left with G-Man, a more acrobatic partner to be sure, and he has two good muscular males knees, but doesn't my extra wide largesse count for something? That's what you whispered to me the other night, our 8th in the Carolina townhouse, your pointed nose tickling my ears and those floating stars around your head still smelling of love."

Who should StaCK love?


vs. G-Wiz

Here's Bangersandmash Jarvis Hayes' diary!
Mr. Hayes Bangers writes like he plays, with a long range. His nonsequiters are endearing!
"Crossing the border and going to Toronto was definitely different. It was my first time up in Canada and I thought it was a beautiful city."

Yurgi - 7:05 AM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

AP scoops Steve Wyche, for first interview with ABE POLLIN since asking Salieri to leave the circle of friendship!!

Its an OK piece. The best bit is when Abe says:

``I had made my decision ... and that was it,'' Pollin said. ``I felt by sticking to my decision, I would have less embarrassment for him because if I had made him lay out some of his plans that he had maybe in mind that he was going to do for the team, and then I would say, 'I'm not accepting them,' I thought I would hurt him worse. So I tried to be as gentle as I could with Michael because I have great respect for him.''

COnrad Bain was gentle to Todd Bridges, even if it meant hiding his rock pipe!!!


James - 6:58 PM

Jerry Takes A Shiv

CLEVELAND, Oct. 22 -- Washington Wizards leading scorer Jerry Stackhouse came out of right knee surgery Tuesday with a less cluttered joint and an undetermined timetable as to when he'll be back on the court.
(read more...)

Jerry, if you wanted an "uncluttered joint", i know a DOCTOR WALLACE who is always taking new patients!!!!!!
Baldpatch Adams!!! :
Patients beware...laughter is contagious!

James - 6:47 PM

Happy 29th Brithday Jeff McInnis!! Wow how the years have flown by. It seems like just yesterday I was cheering your double pumping playground ways.
A special birthday card from all of us as wizznbutzz.com, especially the new guy from Finland: he picked the artwork because he thought it would remind you of growing up black in america!!

James - 3:35 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


I myself elected today to exercise my option to touch myself expressivley and with purpose at the magnificent thought of Kwames rippling and furtive body continuing to matyure into manhood before my eyes!!!!!

James - 6:50 PM

Jerry STACK goes under the knife in New York today.
FLame retardant lifemate GWiz at his side, along with friends Howie Mandell and Ruth Ginsberg.
Wizznutzz sources uncovered the following from J STACKS medical file::

Doctors report that Jerry Has "Internal Derrangement"!!!!
Salieri's poison is strong!

Former bullet Rod STrickland knows your PAIN JSTack.
Lets go back in a wizznutzz time capsule to Friday, January 10, 2003:

A Cardinal SIn!! Good thing we have lorenzos oil in medical cabinet for one magic healing when the roster opens up a spot like a pair of lanced buttocks. Get well soon ROD. We obtained theis secret medical file from Rods procedure to clear him of infectious contusions to the buttocks at Mount Sabrett Hospital:

WHy is there a file of Chico DeBarge in there?
Rodrodrod dont get involved in the cycle of abuse. I can see the symptoms, of you severe stress reactions (vomit, anxiety, etc.), Social isolation, powerless and contuous HOPE! and severelky bruised buttocks.
Break cycle with Slef esteeM, or like GWiz, wear padded suit at all times to hide your shame and meat.

More Chondromalacia aka LADYS-KNEE respources:
here and here

Doctors all seem to agree that the best thing for jerrys future is to spend time in pools and other non weightbearing activities like rolling about on a pink bed in his pajamas reading teenbeat!!! I have seen the future Jerry and hisn najme is WES!!

But the future is also JARVIS HAYES!!!!!

James - 6:44 PM

Monday, October 20, 2003

Touching words from Captain Mitchell Butler!!!

BET head Robert Johnson took a few minutes out of his networks wall-to-wall KOBE coverage to hire his old friend and our old coach Bernie Butterstaffs!!!

The 58-year Bickerstaff previously led turnarounds in Washington, Denver and Seattle.

"He has always been a type of person who has moved teams who are in worse shape, and improved them dramatically in a few years' time," Bobcats vice president Ed Tapscott said.

ED TAPSCOTT also said that he succesfully underwent a procedure last year to DRAMTICALLY extend the length of his penis from 3 to 3.5 inches!!!

The season nears! The wizznutzz redesign is just aboutready to insert itself inot the forgiving yet pliant folds of the world wide internet !!!!

Jerry Stackhouse skipped too much as a boy and now has shot his knee. Surgery tomorrow to evaluate extent of damage and the cause of mysterious vinyl-burn on inner calfs!!!!

WE FEAR J STACK will not play 40 games this year! Maybe never!!!
Womans hips beget womens knees STACK!!
Look at historys long line of strictly ballroom nancy-waists: Albert Belle, Lorenzo Williams, Bo jackson... sure they were lite on their feet but gravity always finds a way to extort a price!!!
Now you can spend more time doing whats most important to you: cashing abe pollins paychecks and giving it the poor, and also to the rich, and prancing like a nimble penguin on your feminine pelvis!!

James - 7:11 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Thanks you Mr. Darvin for the warm greeting. Warm isn't something I used to coming from ROMANIA (not Russia, though they did occupy us like Jahidi occupies a booth or two at Bends Childi Bowl for some 42 years, so no I not bitter about inglorious mistake, you Mr. Ham), but I thanks you anyways. Here is info on ROMANIA from the CIA, Mr. Darvin and I hopes enjoy you. Unlike like you knowledge, I think it highly accurate. And here what Library of Congress of U.S. of Native of America say about Romania. All info gathered during coldest war by top secret spy Nadia Comeneci!!! See her Unoffical Fan Page!! everything unoffical in deepest Romania!!)

Wizzards ore season and therefore season is like Cold War versus Wins!!! Eddie Jordans stumble offense is confusing but amusing!! We will wait this season of attrition out, however, defeat this ice of coldness until Kwame fires the last shot from the tunnel of love in the season's dying moments, clanking his ball off my beard but falling into my heart.

Breaking News straight from Czar of Post! Jer Jer Binks Stackhouse has "worn lining." Status of playing and chafing uncertain. It all because he wore boxers instead of Hidi Rugged Intimates!

Yurgi - 8:18 PM



AS: What made you write a song - "Bullet Fever'' - for the Washington Bullets?

NL: Back in '79, when the Bullets were making a run for the title they won, they were the last seed. Their first game, they beat Philly in overtime, and I was so inspired, I wrote this song at night at my rental home in Maryland. Went the next day and recorded it. I played all the...

CLick here for the rest~!!!

we were so inspired the the Bullets, we made a circa 1993 Geocities Fansite.
We made Muresan heads Move!
We made A GarbOt 2000 out of former Sudanese military hardware and a boiled ham!
We get drunk in a rental house, for 8 days!
Where are our 4 years of season tickets!!!!!
Why are you only generous to Nils Lofgren and hundreds of young poor black sons that you "adopted" off the playground and thorugh your limosine doors?

Nils Lofgren Online!

James - 6:49 PM

Welcom YURGI! We love the Russian people. Your empire had some good ideas, like dogs in space and short life expectancy. It didnt work out, but now you casn join with us!!!!
Like this man SANGEET. It is YOU that will get Zapped Sangeet! 3 animated gifs and alot of zzzz's is a good start but the world moves fast and forward, and sleeping Sangeet catches no fish. As Comorade Lorenzo Williams famously found in a fortune cookie: Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Jimmy Oliver defeats HEMOFARM!!!! Hemophobe Oliver scores league high 31!!!

James - 6:36 PM

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Buna ziua all of you people of Wizards fans!!! I am Yurgi Arginzoniz, from Romania, but you can call me Yurgi---or Balki, as Jarrko does---and I am also too intern for WizzNutzz this year. I hope to work with Jarrko very much and bring you updates and incites into the basket of balls. Even though Jarrko is pure blond and highly white and shaven pure and from the great north and partial to Steve Blake playing 40 minutes a game, I hope we get along. See, this what I look like:

Handsome, and professional, yes? Yes! Just like James and Christopher say in highly laughing interview!!! But I partial to Mr. Kwame and his professional manchildness and beautiful rubrics of moist flesh. And between my gypsy love of Mr. Kwame and elegant beard and sense of haberdashery (I known as a fashionistia in Bucharest!), the WizzNutzz knew they had very handsomebeautiful and perfect intern candidate.

For first incite I like promote the RETURN OF MITCHELL BUTLER from Yakima, Washington, and back to the Washington of the D.C., home of the bends chili bowl (which I found out last night!!!). And I like to for number two (chili bowl style! ha ha just kid, Romanian style!) promote article about Jarrko's desirous playmate Steve Blake and his needs to help Gilbert Aereolas in season this!!! Goulash!!!

Yurgi - 10:24 PM

Monday, October 13, 2003

Well Basketball sure has become an International sport, and is great to see that reflected in our interns, who we should all embrace so that they feel like one of us except foreign.
And so that leads me to a major incite about basketballs most physically and otherwsie ambitous internatrional characters:

Incite About Basketballs Most Physically and Otherwsie Ambitous International Characters

It was sad to note the passing into death of Bill Shoemaker , the 4'11 jockey who died yesterday doing what he loved: sleeping.
But the silver lining is that a great man is waiting in the wings to fit into the place that he once occupied, even if this great man has to fold himslef in half like a trapper keeper to occupy that space.


Manute Bol has announced that he will become a licensed jockey with the Indiana Horse Racing Commission to raise money for his war fondeled homeland of Sudan!!!!
This is such great news on aso many levels.

Level 1
It is a great story because Mantue Bol is an overcomer of odds and people love underdogs riding on horses.
Just look at Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit is a national treasure, but he will be put out to pasture by themlegend that Manute will prove.
Seabisacuit, say hello to ......."CHOCOLATE BISCOTTI"

You are never to far behind or to come back Chocolate Biscotti!!

And Manute can train on the Jarvis Hayes farm!!!!

Jarvis Hayes farm is the training home to many of the Michael Jordan Mules,
who may lack for speed and strength but msake up for it in naked obedience and fear.

I am sure that manute will be succesful in his new venture, if he brings even half the qualities to it that made him so beloved with the Washington Bullets:----- his big heart, and his comically misproportioned body!

Level 2

The sadder level.
Manute Bol has done everything a man can to help his war battered homeland.

He opened a cheaply furnished African restaurant and nightclub in the Adams Morgan area of Washington DC.

He fought the Refrigerator on national TV.

He placed his delicated frame on slippery ice.

And now hes going to saddle up for peace.

This pattern makes me worried. First of all I worry for Manutes delicate body, of course.
But mostly I worry for his self esteem.

As we have said before, Manute Bol is like the Sudan’s Muhammad Ali, but without the strength or integrity.

This is niot just our opinion.

Even his old friend Jim Lynam thinks so, as you can see in his amazon.com review of Manute: The Center of Two Worlds

I think that maybe Manute Bol is also the Sudanese Bob Geldof, but without the wealthy friends or integrity.
Because really, how much money could Manute have raised by selling a few hunbdred extra minor league hockey tickets? Sure, maybe he could buy the Sudanese Liberation Army a used Nissan Sentra, with Vanity "SDN RLZ" plates even, but if the US gave them 20 million dollars for non-lethal purposes, what difference do you feel you can make with your minstrell pleas?

Is is worth your self respect. It seems not. Are you a self-hating sudanese manute? We love you, and dont like to see you making an act out of yourself, unless you are doing so to win basketball games for us.
Even though it is funny in many mays to see you use your grotesquely distended limbs for antics usually reserved for regaulr sized people, it is also not funny after a while. Maybe this isnt about the sudan at all but about how you feel you need yto disprespect yourself to make others laugh, to be accepted. Maybe Manute was the kid in school who took 50 cents each from kids in the cafeteira to put a block of warm phily cream cheese down the front of his pants.

But anyway, this is still a happy moment i think for us all.
The CHOCOLOATE BISCOTTI can do what he sets his heart out to,
especially since the Racing Press and The Indiana Horse Racing Commission are DESIROUS to have a Mal-erected Dinkan jockey succeed!!!!

James - 7:22 PM

Happy to the Columbus Day from Jarrko of Finland! You americans are so dumb celebrating a man who didn't discover america!!!! America was discoverd way before columbus brought the euro flu here!! First you have the Natives who looked under their feet and saw America and FOUND. Then vikings were in america 500 years before Nina Pinta Santa Maria (who i watched on Spectravision last night!!!) and the Irish (i call em Celts) came to states 1000 years before that!!! But you take the day off anyway? I LOVE AMERICA!!!! Finland, goodbye! Lapland (right next to Bada Bing Club) HELLO!!!!!!

And because you have day off, do something productive!! Go to Wizards free scrimmage practice at 1p.m. today and witness patience!!!! RANDELL JACKSON may make appearance!!!! So might Jer Jer Binks Stinkhouse's knee and dislocated hip which is being analyzed by members of the L. Williams family!! DOCTOR WILLIAMS, TO YOU!!! I SEee you soon, Hidi!! Keep up the perfume fuel!!!

And here's something I never thought I'd see growing up in finalnd and dreaming of Bob Segar: Quotes from a ROdney Crowell song that Bob Segar sings to introduce a story about Big Ben The BODY Ventura Wallace!!! SEGAR is the WAY TO BRING RACES TOGETHER!!! Ive said that for years!!! TURN THE PAGE!!

Jarkko - 8:00 AM

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Hi everyone, it's Christopher. It's exciting times around here at the WizzNutzz offices. We have a lot of interns coming in this fall. Yes, Dana and Ken promise to chime in now and then, but frankly we're not sure where they're at---mentally or physically (although I understand Ken still has less than 2% body fat). You've already met Jarkko Ruutu, our Finnish intern (he's enthusiastic, but you'll see, he knows ball) and you'll soon meet our Romanian intern, Yurgi Arginzoniz, a master of ball handling and insights into this great sport of basketball. Even though white people are ruining basketball for everyone, basketball is an international game, and the WizzNutzz have the international covered. We love to ruin it for everyone too.

CP - 10:31 PM

Jarkko wears investigative hat!!! Finds information!!! AND WHALE MEAT IN WIZZ LOCKER ROOM!!! Here's breaked news I finds!!! Gilbert Aereola wears lowcut shoes on court!!! BUT NOT BASKETBALL SHOES!!! He wear lowcut ROCKPORTS for added orthepedic comfort and additional ankle range!! Lorenzo williams recommends it sayings "see how it work for me at camp lorenzo!!!!" YES!!! ME TOO!!! I FINd You Jahidi and I grill you up with love and make perfume from your leftovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jarkko - 9:07 AM

Friday, October 10, 2003

Hi It Jarkko!!! I watch preseason Wizzards game!! On 15 gins and tonics!! Someone lost and some one!!!! Jer Jer Binks Stinkhouse score nothing cuz his knee sore like a longterm project LORENZO WILLIAMS!!!! HE BE BACK!! Like nazi governor Schwartzenegat!!! I LOVE WHALE MEAT AND OXYCOtton!!!! rUSH LIMNBAUGH IS SO DAMN RIGHT!! LAPLAND I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jarkko - 11:50 PM

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Hi! My name is Jarkko Ruutu! I am Finish exachange student and new WizzNutzz intern who love the basketball sport of NBA! Finland is Scandanavian country and we have pro basket of balls but it no NBA compare!! HA HA!! Here Finland pro league info. Your favorite team Jyväskylä? Mine too! Not really!!! My favorirte team is Jyväskylä II!! Douche bag!! (Wizzntuzz team me swear words in Englandish!!) But I also love Porvoon Tarmo (but who don't? RIGHT !!! Maybe Yankeees of Finalnd!!!)

I one of many interns who bring knowledge and forgein thoughts to WizzNutsss in 2003-21005 season! I look forward to spill knowledge on you and yours douche bags!! HA HA! Oh, and I chaser not chub!! FINS LOVE WHALE MEAT!! Hidi AND Jarvis Bangers&Mash you are mine!!! Love, Jarkko!!!

Jarkko - 9:06 PM

So the Wiz looked pretty fleet of foot last night, with one glaring exception!!!:
The disgracefully thickset rookie Jarvis Hayes! jarvis is huge; hes has a ponderous profile, he's a STOUT BITCH!!!

WHile the Wizards were out there Getting the W, Jarvis was Gettin The Butter!!!!!

Dont believe me?
If the restless trail of garlic sauce and onions that he dragged behind him on the court wasnt ebnough to convince you, others have taken notice of our fat friend.

How did it come to be JAM-JARV?
The rookie himself, blames a fast food addiction, but I suspect thats not the full story.

I suspect one fo the follwing two things may be happening.

That Jarvis walked into the locker room during summer workouts and got one traumatic look at what a hulking and clearly naked Jahidi White was doing to poor little Steve Blake and decided on the spot that the Chubb, and NOT the Chaser, lifestyle was the one for him. It just became a question of whether Jarvis could gain enough weight before veterans reported and the intimate showers would begin.

Jarvis is Spending way too muich time pursuing his off-court passion: thats right, his very own working Beef and SHeep FARM!!!
Any good porkmonger knows, Jarvis, You dont get high on your own supply!

DInt you see that Movie "Babe"? Where the farmer says to Babe "That'll Do Pig". That'll Do" If your pigs could talk, your pigs would tell you the same advice, but pigs DONT TALK my portly friend. Except for that pig that Abe Pollin created in his In Vitro farm, but that a different kind of farm and all that pig would say was "Sweat Release" over and over as he nudged his head up against the bolt gun with all his frankenstine strength.

If any good comes out of this Jarvis it will be that you learn to take your conditioning seriously. And also the good that your mom will now have an easier time telling you apart from your twin brother Jonas.
On draft night your Mom said she only knew you apart because Jonas was the "better kisser", but now she can proudly identify you as the fat one that bought her a house!

James - 7:31 PM

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

hi it's me DANA VON POST GAME CALL IN SHOW GIRL!!! BACk from chasing chico debarge acorss the united of states and the western plains all the way to the deepest part of chiapas mexico!!!!!!!!!!!! ken beatrice, my trusty kidnapped assistaNT and former famous host of sportstalk radio in DC before Steve Czban started calling people gay (WHO AREN'T NOT!!!), is now a revolutionary with the Zapatistas! He goes by the naME of Bandito Beatrice now, and he wears a handlebar mustache fashioned from yak wool and the the hairy skins of capitalist pigs!!!! Bandito Beatrice also wears an X of bullets across his chest and back, but he;s not allowed to have a gun because he has an itchy crotch and trigger finger! Senior Pancho our leader HATES the itchy trigger finger!!! SO DOES CHICO DEBARGE! I fired off a round or two BBY ACCIDENT and he HATED IT!!!

Ken Bandito bEATRICE and I will post notes and thought about the Wizz from time to time from here in the hills of Chiapas (in between raids on banks and multinational NAFTA corporations and such, natch!!!). But I understand that the WizzNutzz have a whole host of international interns brewing for the 2003-2004 season. I Just hope they can keep up the high qualty that me and Ken brought to the laptop!!! Viva La Revolution! Viva La Arenas!!! Viva La 8 Day Beach Rental!!! Viva La Out of Shape Draft Picks Not Named Hidi!!! Viva La Abe and His Invitro Farm in Prince George's County, which needs the economic injection!!! VIVA LA DANA!!!!!!!!!

Dana - 10:35 PM


Oh what a night! The Wizards debut their new up-tempo offense vs Magic Lamp and the Knicks and right off the bat you could tell this is gonna be an improvement over last years "Even Gait Offense".
Thhheeeeeeeee......WIZARDS WIN!
Kwame steals from Sweetney! Kwame Blows layup! LAMPe fouls Kwame again! Kwame blows free throws!
O-Town, LBoogie, JStack all stepped it up. Even Urinetown, aka Mitchell Butler was back in his familiar form ...... like Herpes Simplex 3!!!!

Fantastic work all around.

And it must be extra sweet for Gilbert to get the W on a night when "Playful Guy"Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor of his olden-golden state: California.
Now when we play the Lakers in the NBA finals, Gov. Schwarzenegger and Mayor Anthony Williams can have one of those friendly gentlemen's bets: if the Wizards win, Arnold has to send Mayor Wiliiams 2 large California Pizza Kitchen pizzas! If Arnold wins, he gets to annex Gaithersburg!!!

James - 10:17 PM

Monday, October 06, 2003

SOme quality news to report as the Veterans aka Chris Whitney and Sister Christian report to CAmp!

First of all, did you all peep Gilbert Arenas aka O-Town in this months SLAM magazine????
Gilbert drops knowledge, and pants!
Best of all, lots of so-fresh big color glossys of OTown in a retro Bullets "0" jersey, looking sullen and suggestive!
Increase the Peace! Say no to bullets and handguns, or say no to them once the throwback jerseys are no longer popular with the little inner city kids with guns. Thanks Mister Pollin!
Heres a mos' blickityblack wallpaper of OTown for you to download and put on your computer to let the world know you say no and yes to bullets!

RObert Pack sighting! Pack is stepping it up. Pack isnt worried aboiut contracts and all that, he plays to win, BUT HE MOSTLY plays for FRee Gatorade and a TShirt!!!

Steve Wyche, the tireless beat repoorter for the POST, paints a touching portrait of the new budding relations between Kwame Brown and Jordon --- Eddie, NAY Michael.
Check out the first paragraph, and you can see why this portrait is painted in a paint called "Sherman Williams LOVE SUPREME Matt Primer"!!:

As Washington Wizards players left the basketball court at the College of Charleston after completing their first practice of the preseason today, third-year forward Kwame Brown sat with new coach Eddie Jordan at a table near the sideline. Their brief, private conversation ended with Jordan extending his fist and Brown doing the same until the two gently pounded knuckles.

"gently pounded knuckles"!!! Is that the New Windham Hill LP? or part of the E-Z-MOODZ Startbucks listening companion on heavy riotation at all Magic Johnson's Starbucks!!!
This new era is so great to see. EJ is tender, warm and paternal to his young fostered apprentice. Wheras MJ was hardhearted, virulent and paternal only to the bastard offspring he created with women opther than his wife like Karla Knapefell and Marla Maples!!!! Gently pounding knuckles ... if Salieri was in town, he would no doubt have called the both of them a pair of "Flaming Faggots."

Download the Kwame Wallpaper here, as pretend you are Eddie Jordan and tap knuckles with your machine and create love while at work!

James - 6:21 PM

Friday, October 03, 2003

Where the HELL ARE THIE WIZZNUTZZZ??!!! We get asked this on the street everyday, and even though we hang out in the kind of places where people may ask you questions,... i forgot how to wirte a HWOLE SENTENCE!!!!
which means the season is upon us like the protein rich sweat of Jahidi White AKA HIDI DUBS!!!!
Check back monday, because Ive got a whole trunk of junk, links, pink bits, moistworks, news revues fiery attitudes.!!!
ALSO, wizznutzz has been silently undetgoing a MASSIVE REDIESIGN. GLOBAL GLOBAL GLOBAL... "the product" to be launched OPENING NIGHT!!!! A whole new look, same rank prose!
from around the globe. A man goes only as far as his interns take him!

James - 7:00 PM

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

And some little links!:

Chris Whitney is back where he belongs! The final Bullet!! with his patented hands off approach to point guarding!!!
Welcome back to the moist fold CWHIT!

Allen Iverson wears Unseld delicates on the world stage!

More Bullets fly!! Calbert Cheaney lives another day! "terms of the deal were not released" Here are the terms of the deal. Warriors give Calbert $100 each time he smiles!!!

And Rod STrickland returns from TGI Fridays to find jerseys knicked, but half-smoke safe avoids detection. The Wizznutzz will make this story the centerpiece of our campaign for next season, so stay tuned!!!

James - 6:26 PM

Hey, thanks to "J" for visiting with the lonely but powerful GAR HEAR ROBOT:

j: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
Gar Heard: Really?
j: What?
Gar Heard: I don't know what. Can you tell me?
j: Tijuana, the Mexican City. Have you been there?
Gar Heard: I am not your slave, do it your self.
j: Who was your favorite player to coach on the Wizards
Gar Heard: Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young.
j: You coached Darvin Ham?
Gar Heard: me too. darvin is misunderstood.
j: Gar, you are very crude software.
Gar Heard: Im swell! I miss my body though. Its in wes unselds basement.
j: Is he eating it?
Gar Heard: i like bacon too. Especially with my ledell eackles cereal.

WHEN WIZZNUTZZ 2K4 debuts, look for a new enhanced GARBOT with new braintrust and words icluding "Stve Blkae" and "Unkempt"!!!!

James - 4:11 PM

Chris Webber's "Gangsta Gangsta" video here!!! (search under videos)
CWebb front. Front Webb, front!!
"Featuring LV"
CWebb used Abe Pollins money to buy the rights to Laid Back's "White Horse", money that could have gone to help built the security wall around Jerusalem!!!
The song should say "feat. APollin". or at least he could have made a video showing CWebb videotaping himself making out with Vlade DIvac in a wig and leaving the tape for an Abe Pollin lookalike to see as he comes out of the shower after a night dancing with Chico Debarge.

James - 1:13 PM

Tuesday, August 19, 2003


I didnt believe it at first. but then two things in the story were so true, i had to face it:

1. "...failure to maintain a lane" SO TRUE
2. "He cooperated fully with everything," additionally SO TRUE

When i read those statements that so evoke the manchild it was like I was there. But I wasnt.

"....Brown, who had at least one other passenger in the vehicle...."



James - 7:06 PM

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Insidehoops.com calls Jarvis Hayes aka Bangers And Mash aka JarJar Links aka "The SHpeherd" a "DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"!!!.
We soo agreee with you insidehoops.com, JARV is a diamond, but whats so rough about NBA lottery picks?

WIZARDS SCHEDULE released!!!!.
We open in Chicago, where clubhouse general Kwame Brown will step it up 50% as he always does to vanquish his fierce roval Tyson Chandler.

Its time to separate the Manchild Men for the Manchild Children!!!!



"Ernie Grunfeld has a friendly, inviting mien!!!!! "
He keeps it smelling fresh, even when nature sometimes gets it wrong!!!!

DOnt take our word for it, people who like to read about smokers agree!!!

Heres a profile of Ernie Grunfeld!
Did we mention hes JEWISH???!!!! SO Jewish that hes in a Jewish Hall of Fame!!!!!

But being in a Hall fo Fame doesnt mean ernie has a big head, or a metaphorically big head at least.

Hes not afraind to wear popcorn vendor pants and mix it up with his "Funky Friend" and Former Bullet!!! Bernard King!!!

Best photos EVER here!!

The Ernie and Bernie SHow!!!

James - 6:46 PM

Monday, July 28, 2003


Thanks to Gilbert "I Call Him Gilby Franchise" Arenas!!! Only 1 week left until Mr Pollin's adoption papers clear, and unlike the Willis and Arnold thing, where he just took them off a basketball court into his limo and never looked back, this ones all-legal!!!!

Not in this wizznutzz life time have we beat our other teams on free-agency. Sure the other teams were the Nuggets and the Wizards of the West CLippers, but hes all ours!!!!


They begged gilbert to stay, they begged here, they begged here, they wrote a begging song here,

But GILBERT GOT GRAPE!!!! Whatever tha6t means!!!!

The winner takes it all!!!!! like ABBA says, Golden State Jestees!!!! We have left you singing like Benny:

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

That last paragraph i don't really understand, that kissing stuff, no wonder Gilbert left!!!

They say it was the wizards aggressive presentation that convinced Gilbert to choose DC. A Wizznutzz insider who witnessed this presentation told us it was a signature multimeda extravegance from the brilliant minds thjat brought us.....

the Jerry STackhouse Genome camapign!!!!!:

First Gilbert was taken into the MCI media center, where he was shown an unsettling video. The video was shots of Surfers and John denver and then quickly edited with images of lynchings and white police using power hoses on black people. The video went for about 4 hours, just like that, with a fax machine kind of noise going the whole time. They brought Gilbert lots of this drink that looked like cherry coolaid but smelled like moth balls.

Then Susan Omalley took Gilbert into her office, just the two of them for ten minutes. Susan was wearing some aggressive and form fitting QVC fashion pantsuit, I think it was ther "Jessica Holbrook Polished Cotton Floral Print Ankle Pants". Weird part was when she came out, the pattern looked different, like she was wearing the pants backward.

And then they brought out the bobbleheads. Thousands of them.
With the hair magic markered onto them you coukld hardlkey tell they used to be Ike Austin dolls.

Then Abe Pollin showed him sixty four million cans of tuna and said:
"Gilbert: we really want you hear, and if you want to be here, Ive got a Wizard who can turn fish into one dollar bills...."

Everybody clapped!!!!

James - 6:46 PM

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Summer League Box SCores akimbo!!!
Kwame is hitting his stride! He saves his summer league energy till the crunch games later in the week because he like to step it up, as the teams new leader!

SOme WIZZNUTZZ EXCLUSIVES on the newest members of the Wizards family:

He's described as a young Mitch Richmond!!! If Wes wasn't currently passed out in a duck blind at this exclusive RESORT SPA, he would be looking to trade the young Mitch for the original, older Mitch!!

SOme things about Jarvis:
His favortie movie is Oceans Eleven

And in the offseason HE RUNS A BEEF AND SHEEP FARM!!!!


Abe Pollin allegedly played this game for 11 hours the night before the draft. It left him mesmerized and Had to be talked out of taking Blake in the first round by Eddie Jordan and talked out from a closet by Susan OMalley

Here is Blakes UMD TERP site, and a fan site.

E-Jord says he wants to bring Blake along slowly at point because he wants to groom him.
He certainly does appear to be in need of grooming. His styles are feral and he has companions in chiggers and the like.
This reunion is far more nerve warcking for Juawanama Dixon that we could ever know because as Wizznutzz reported last year, JDix is phobic of germs and vigilant in his cleanliness. He carries his own roll of toilet paper and hates to share lotion with his ashy teammates and there "could-have-been-anywhere" hands.

Juan is reported to be working to modify an Antispetic Bacon Dispensor form his special line of sterile lifestyle aids to accomodate the willfull squalor that is his friend's 6 foot 3 unconventionally dreggy frame.

Here is a message board talking about JDix and Steve Blake aka FELIX AND OSCAR

One fella equates Juan to Pepe Sanchez. Other controversial insites include:

"Dixon will be a solid Chris Whitney-type in the NBA. He's waaaaaaay quicker than Randolph Childress."

"It's ridiculus to think steve blake is going to the NBA. ...he's not as good as Bobby Hurley was, and Hurley was BARELY a pro."

Its incredible that exchanges like that would never have been possible before the internet. It was a different world back then. A crueler one in my opinion.

James - 5:41 PM

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

The Summer of 2003 is all about nothing if not torpor and mischief, if not the restless ways under the offseason veil. The glorious deep-toned summer brings fresh trouble to the wizznutzz RAp Sheet:

FATHER OF THE YEAR Jerry Stackhouse grabbed a Hick Betty. She tried to evict J-Stack and his 47 children from a family weekend at ATlantic Beach. And now he is being accused of aggravating stuff. Obviously Ms Nagy seems to think that the Atlantic is still a principal slave route or the hillbillie would have realised that a small wide man in a big blue GWiz suit bobbing face down in the spa bath is a selling point for prospective renters.
Anyway, the people that were double booked to steal J.Stacks 40 sandy acres back had the folliwing to say, after he and his family had to spend the first night of their vacation in hotels paid for by Jerry Stackhouse himself:

"We were miserable last night," Henicheck said. "When you've been planning a vacation for a year and then something like this happens. . . . I didn't want him to put us up. I wanted to start my vacation. I can't find words to describe what he did to us."

Ive got some words to describe it Heiniechuck:
"Father of Year comps ungrateful racists." and some more words: "Oh, Horror, the horror of the worlds uneasy hallucinations, I died a miniature death"

Speaking of miniature deaths:
New York KNICKS STANBDOUT Tyrone Nesby was runner up for Father of The Year!!!! He lost points late in the competition when judges asked his son to write a poem proudly describing his father and the following was tendered......

Chrius Webber, Black Jesus in crutches and a dark summer suit, made his way into the roman court at Pungentia Convivum and martyred himself, so that his father Mace could walk free.
Even though CWebb will avoid jail, he cannot avoid the disgrace of a father who needs his son to bail him out.
To Mace the wizznutzz say faceitiously:
"Nebuchadrezzar Mace, Nebuchadrezzar!!!" from the Hebrew "May (the god) Nabu protect the son," or "May Nabu protect the boundary."
But we styill love you MACE, your tight: thats why we protested on your behalf for a year (see the pictures!!).

Why havent we signed PLaron Profit YET!!!!!! Will someone PLEASE tell me???

James - 3:56 PM

Friday, July 11, 2003

Breaking news, if not for lamentable technology of wizznutzz.com!!!
Summer league drama!!!!!! aka JUNKYARD WARS!!!
The Wizards played their first summer league game and the resultds proive what we already know: that this will be one entertaining season!! Tis oine had it all: reuniting 2 former Terps teammates who are undersized, were overdrafted and can't shoot from the ouside:
Steve Blake, the whiter of the two, went 0 for 8 with no points and No boards in a game high 34 minutes. Juan was 3 for 13 and Kwame had eight turnovers!!!
We could have taken Keith Bogans over Blake, and sure Bogans has been avergaing 20 a game, but this is just summer ball, and when it comes time to feed turkeys to the frail and read books to the twitching little freaks, who you gonna call? Keith Bogans? I say not.

More summer league links!:
Ike Austin sighting!!! Besides at the Potomac Mills where on Tuesdays he runs a Ike Austin CheeseBoot outlet out of a sepcially modified Sunglasses Hut mall-cart.
Ike posted real minutes for the Dallas Mavericks!!! So did Brian Cardinal
Mitchell Butler lights it up!! So does Tracy Murray!! Wow, Summer is the best.

James - 4:30 PM

Monday, July 07, 2003

goddam blogger.com is killing this wizznutzz franchise!!!!! Email blogger.com and says: "We want our wizznutzz incites timely and now!!" Even moistest milquetoast goes stale eventually.
it took us 2 weeks to publish this last post but check it out!!! WIzznutzz predicted the 2003 wizards draft!!

LOTS more to come, now that we are no longer betrayed by Salieri and blogger.com. Stay tuned!

James - 7:02 PM

Thursday, June 26, 2003

dog days of summer for the wizznutzz. its hard to sleep with a police scanner on. the weather is purposeful and brooding and hangs about like Ike Austin at a wild world wave pool. We have lost most of our offseason interns to more attractive summer jobs at rthe Charles Oakley carwash.

the draft is tonight.
But first, check out T-NESand Kid Rock!!!!
Then crawl inside the turgid mind of tyrone lue:

My grandpa told me that you are not a real man until you get a Mercedes Benz and a pair of gator shoes, and I accomplished both of those

And that my friends is the problem with this franchise in a nutshell. The team is stocked with players who have accomplished there gator shoes. They are no longer desirous, curious and probing. They are wearing gator shoes in the eazy life. Sure mybe id feel different if I had gator shoes of my own but i think the reaosn patrcik ewing types of the old days were so vigilant about raising there game is because he never got his baked beans, but only the dream of the beans. Boy how he dreamt of those beans, and even if they never come, he wont complain, he will just look at his life honestly and say: "My names Patrick. DO you have beans for us to share?"
You know what im saying, i dont need to spell it out.

But so who will the wizards draft this year, and what will there dreams be?
It unsettles us all to read the phrase:

Wizards' Brain Trust Ponders Draft Options

Especially since t2 members of this braintrust are soon toi be fired friends of micahel jordan, and the other, Air Brimley Wes UNseld is about to slip on a pair of orthapedic gator shoes and crawl into the sunset, satisfied witha craeer as a Master Sargeant for the leaky USS YESMAN.

I hear that Jerry West wants Michael Pietrus, the real LeBron, Le LeBron. Just take him then. even though jerry is probably grifting the ever gulliublke Wes.

Knowing the wizards we will draft Michael Sweetney, who will be ok i think, and instantly our biggest paint player, and Steve Blake, cause they were on TV alot. And i mean steve blake in the FIRST round mind you.
Getting a pert young chaser like Steve Blake would also sooth Jahidi White and make him more comfortablke with losing his job to M Sweets.

The wizznutzz dont dare make predictions but here are the players we stringly advise the wizards braintrust NOT to pass on if they are available:

Kirk Heinrich, TJ Ford, and maybe the guy Maciej Lampe cause people say hes good, especially those that have seen him.

But this draft has Jarvis Hayes written all over it, because in wes unsleds cloudy braintrust, th name "Jarvis" sure does sound like "Pervis" doesnt it?

Gosh, alot on the line for the wizards. BRuss kindly has turned in his togs, and 1.5 million. Micahel Jordsan is already hated in Miluakee, but lets hope Salieri is successful in hius ways because he will let us take Ernie Grunfeld of his hands for a compensation package of Bobby SImmons and a dicorced white woman from Takoma Park.

I think our draft apparoahch should be two-pronged.
First round, trade Jared Jeffrieds and Stackhouse to Toronto and with the 4th pick , take the sleeper Big Man Peter Mayhew.
Thsi guy is out of this world athletic and tall, and will bring a whole new costumed fan base to the games.
With our second pick, we take Luke Walton, who they call MISTER INTANGIBLES. and we make MR INTANGIBLES President of Basketball Operations, and a braintrust unto hisself. That way Bill Walton, mister MANDIBLES and MIXED METAPHORS will lay superlatives all over the place likle

WALTON: Buckhantz, if im not mistaken, T Lue now has 3 assists.,.This must be one of the greatest performanbces ever by a basketball player anywhere in the world. A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit


One can but dream of such a place, safe, with Kwame there under crown and with his salad dressing in a row.

ANyway, Im off, i cant bear the tension. Im gonna skip the draft and go see the new Jason Robards disney film "Mr Intangibles Returns"

James - 7:05 PM

Sunday, June 08, 2003

I fear this may be my last post. Dana has taken me south of the border, to a town she is calling "Debarge" but which I swear is Tijuana because of all the whores and tequilla and signs that say "Tijuana." We are to meet some people later who swear they will take us out to the desert, as long as we bring all our valuables, and show us where "El Debarge" is hiding out. I keep telling Dana this is the wrong Debarge, and that it's Chico we are looking for, but she will hear none of it. "EL DEBARGE EL DEBARGE EL DEBARGE EDDIE DEBARTOLO ED BRADLEY ED KOCH ED WOOD ED ED EDEEDDDDD" is all she'll say, or spray, as the white foam that has permanently formed around her mouth often gets in the way of her enunciation.

I found this excellent article in the Washington Post about the Downfall of Salieri's Wizards. I think this is the most touching, and sad, part of the article:
"I want some popcorn," Kwame Brown was saying from his own folding chair across the locker room, talking to no one in particular, talking to air.

Kw. Brown talking to the air, mumbling about popcorn, scrunched up in a folding chair? How far has this beautiful, pliant, manchild fallen under the hideous clutches of Coach Phantom and Salieri the Berater? It's too sad to behold, to comprend, to mull over, to moist over. Let it go, let it go....

Ken - 7:54 PM

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

its great to hear from you ken, even though the circumstances are less than favorable. still, with ken, no news is bad news.

Anyway, we still need a coach and a GM and a preisdent of basket ball operations and someone to work the pump on GWizs mascot corrective girdle, after Larry Brown laughed at our offer to do all 4 of these and play some point. I say sure, LArry Brown has some credibility, by why waste time with him when you can have a yesman and homer in the class of Len Elmore!!:

The Washington Wizards interviewed former Maryland star Len Elmore yesterday for their president of basketball operations vacancy

Elmore was drafted by Pollin's Washington Bullets with their first-round pick in the 1974 draft

Elmore, 50, has had no front-office or coaching experience. He is a respected television analyst, lawyer and business executive.

Elmore, a former player agent who runs Test University, an Internet-based, standardized-test preparation company in New York for middle school and high school students, has told associates he is very interested in joining an NBA team's front office.

Thjats my ABE!

But Wes aka Smithers Unseld isnt going to like this!! Only WES knows how to bring Abe the fibrous cocoa white and bitter the way he likes it.
Len Elmore is Debra Norville. Some knickers are gonna get knotted and I bet they are XXXL.!! What with Lens newfangled modern ways of using Flash cards and number 2 pencils during timeouts.

But Lens got some competition, Rick Carlisle!!!

Despite his success in Detroit, the Pistons fired him because of a supposed rift between him and ownership and some players.

Hes like Doug Collins and Jordan rolled into one!

A rumour has circulated around town of a sort of Underground Railroad that has been operating under the MCI center for a few years. Rip Hamilton ha already been led safely to the north , thanks to the courageous works of Keith Tubbman, Harriet's Great Great Grandson, and my feeling is the railroad is gonna start running express know that the knew tobacco seeds have been ordered.

The is only one man who can save us from all this. The Wizznutzz official choice for President of Basketball Operations and Minister for Culture:


Ken is a players coach. He was with the Bulls way before Jordan. He likes nothing more than to get into sweats, just like his players, and he always takes a personal interest in his de facto paternal responsibilities off the court. He doesnt drive mules, he makes men!
Like If Jahidi's cousin gets shot by the mexican gang, Ken could convince Jahidi to be a bigger man and not escalate things.
Or when Jerry Stackhouse finally revels that he cant read or write, Ken will persoanlly put in the extra hours to team him.
Every practice owuld be a "very special practice", every game, a life lived unto itself

Plus, the White Shadow is personal frtiends with Jimmy Walker, Ella Fitzgerald!! and Shavar Ross,

yes THAT Shavar Ross, aka Dudley from Different Strokes, aka BLACK JESUS and we need Dudley more than ever, to forgive Abe "Mr Drummond" Pollin, for the whole Trazan thing(*), so Abe can learn to love the black man for more than just his supple thighs and powers in the paint, and so Abe can finally stop blaming black america for killing his friend Mister Rabin, and we can all develop like the figurative buttocks of manchild supreme Kwame Brown.

We want Ken Reeves!!!
AND espn endorse this pick!!!


#115. The Bicycle Man (Part 2) (02/12/83 - #517)

Arnold and Dudley's "friendship" with a local merchant reaches a dangerous turning point when, unbeknownst to the boys, the man, who is actually a child molester, is about to make his move.

Cast: Conrad Bain, Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, and Dana Plato
Guest Stars: Gordon Jump as Mr. Horton, Shavar Ross as Dudley, Le Tari as Ted Ramsey, and Brad Trumbull as Detective Simpson

James - 7:20 PM

Monday, June 02, 2003

Hey everyoen, i'm weary and tire.d.. dana has been driving us for days on end,..the chatter from that woman is nonstop and highpitched and she wont stop crying then laughing and debarging. i dont' know to escsape. i'm ascared.

But i don't want to let my wizznutz reader(s) down and so i link and post this: from our pal Terry Foster of the Det news on why Pistons fired Rick Carlysieiey in favor of Larry Brown:
"The Pistons were afraid they would end up going down the same path this organization went with Doug Collins. If you remember, the Pistons kept Collins as coach despite consecutive playoff appearances and 100 victories in two seasons. The Pistons should have moved on. Instead, Collins set back the franchise so far that only now is it coming out of the mess."

Sound familiar?

I hope to post again soon. While the southwest is nice this time of year, I need to find a police station before we get to the border.

Ken - 6:52 AM

Friday, May 30, 2003

Coach Collins is OUT!
MJs mature white companion is no more. KwameKiller To spend time ruining his GAY SONs life for a change!!!!
Kwames skin shows unprecedented imrpovement!!!!
Larry Brown being pursued by Mr Drummond like a white Dudley!!!!
Brown Don't Frown! Brown Don't Frown! The Browns, Larry and Kwame. Kwame means "Saturday" Larry means "Play Hard Get Rewarded with SMiles and BACON!"

David Aldridge is working the phones, and tries to sort out the coaching vacancies, and goes stark raving mad on the way:
Magic Johnson takes over the Wizards operations??!!!!

Im sorry David "I Put the Black Thang in Black Thanksgiving" Aldridge, but MJ RELOADED is TOO BLACK!! TOO STRONG!!! for Abe The House Elf!!!
A house elf needs a house negro ergo Jordan and a house negro needs a a house master ergo Collins. Its not racist,, or descriptive! Its historical. Abe is threatened by the black man, or those he cant legally adopt. And no Lebanese in front office too!!! Abe Pollin needs to conduct a critical self inventory. Cornell West was in the Matrix for the Sake of Remus!!!! Welcome to the 1980s Norman Lear@!!!!!

Sally Jenkins talks about how great Larry Brown is , and how the franchise needs to thrust aggresively into the fleshy discrod like PORN Star Rod Thorn

Meanwhile, MJ wants to buy $50 million dollars worth of Miluakees FInest Mules. For 50 million he shoulld just Buy Sam Cassell and keep him at home. They could grow old together and Saileri could slap of Van Exel on his old bald head like black narcissist Benny Hill and tease him with clever names like "Van Excellent!!"

And Jahidi Walks Free!!!! Thanks for the thousands who particpated in Jahidi Thongs For Freedom Day worldwide!!!!

And Chris Webber's AUnt walks free too!! Though she says she would have raped U.S. District Judge Nancy Edmunds if she had known how much turmoil this was all going to be.

James - 3:54 PM

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Big night for the wizards franchise tonight. the draft lotterry!!!!

Heres espns mock draft (click on "Lebron Mock Draft")
and here is nbadraft.net's!!!

I gotta say Abe "MR DRUMMOND" Pollinl,, 14 ping pong balls in 1000 aint easy odds. This isnt like picking a couple a black sons out of a housing project!!!

But if we dont go top 3, theres plenty of cunning talent set against a backdrob of INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE!!!

Knowing Abe and Wes "Breaker Morant" Unseld, the wizards will take home court talent in Mike Sweetney, who at 6-8 would instantly be our most imposing center.
Or will it be Michael Pietrus, "NBA Comparison: Fred Jones (more height, less skills)"???

WHo is Fred "are you my mother" Jones you ask?
Who cares! Hes a real frenchman, a French-LeBron, the "Le LeBronBron"!!!

That would set the stage for an international flavour unprescedented since gheorge Muresan's days.

Will Michael help Ike Austin develop new markets and serving suggestions for the Ike Austin CheeseBoot?
Speaking of cheese, Will Kwame drop his boycott of "surrender dressing" and embrace his fellow-foreskinned compatriot?
Will ESPN page 2 hacks make jokes about the French's ability to "take a charge"!
Its Foregone! Foreskinned, Hilarity!!!

WHiule you wait, go read about how the draft lottery is fixed, from our friends at SPortsfan magazine!!!! Powerful reporting! Purposefull incites! Prescient realism!! Pert spelling!!

James - 6:58 PM

Friday, May 16, 2003


James asked me to post this for him!!! Thanks for thoughs james!! Keep on believin!!!

25 years ago, I was a happy inncoent 8 year old kid, full of promise, full of dreams.
I was Happily looking forward to my first kiss. My dream was to be race car driver, or at least a bank manger with a trendy Mazda.
And I decided that when I grew I would eat bacon every single day. SO silly!! (but u know how kids are!!)

And then I turned on the TV one night to see my first game of professional basketball. It just happened to be the final game of the 1978 finals!!!

I had never seen basketball before, but all these tall hairy men, in little shorts, with the red and white shirts on were so happy, they were dancing around and hugging each other. Black dudes hugging white dudes..
And while I was too young to know exactly what it was I was seeing , I did know that I wanted to be a part of this magic FOREVER, that THIS, THIS is what I wanted to do with my life .

Now 25 years have gone by, it’s a time for reflection,
I am not a race car driver, or a bank manager, I don’t really even have a job. I still haven't "technically" kissed a girl.
And I certainly havnt experienced that joy that I witnessed that day 25 years ago.

In fact, except for the thing about eating the bacon, not a single one of my young dreams came true.

Instead, Im a 33 yr old man who runs a website called “Wizznutzz” dedicated to aging and failed bullets castoffs, like Randell Jackson and the perverse manute bol.
I hang out in TGI Fridays parking lots hoping to catch a glimpse of Rod Strickland and his drunk buddies.

When I think about it, I realize that Wizznutzz.com is actually a celebration of the failure of my dreams,
savoring every over broken hope and miscue like week-old bacon.

AND You know what?, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Few of us have the courage to face the things a wizards/bullets fan faces. ANd face them with such pliant vigor. Its not just a basketball team. But Its about life too.

SO i would like to dedicate this ode that I read on worldwide radio last month to the Wzznutzz out there. KEEP ON BELIEVIN IS RIGHT.

The story of the Wizrads fan
Isn’t one about glory,
it isn't a story about and triumph and trophies,
pedastals and parades.

But It’s a story about pushing open the very heavy, groaning doorway that is life,
And for all your flaws and failings, once again throwing yourself back through it.

It is about the raw flesh of desire growing together with the courage of struggle

It’s a story about finding ones way, and finding oneself.

It’s a story about medical marijuana and plantar fascitis,
about a man named Jerry, and his flame-retardant lifemate, and static electricity.

It’s a story about destiny and the redemptive power of the halfsmoke

It is a story about overcoming odds,
but mostly,
It is a story about not overcoming odds.

And stay tuned to us cause the wizznutzz have big plans for top to bottom!


Thanks James! and if you really want to keep ON BELIEVIN, go here to get your strength back and moisten that which has run dry...(turn up the sound!!)

In quiet linking:
With Salieri out of the court, it is no suprise that Bach should show solidarity and walk.

Bob Johnson, the Black Michael Wilbon, wants Sally all for hinmself

But so does Mr Drummond Junior!! Learn from thy father!

lAs for the lottery odds, check em out here! When it rains it pours: The wizards lost the tiebreaker with New York!!

we will have lots of lottery stuff soon!!! we have scouts! we dont know where they are, since they fled our offices in disturbing fashion, but we trust they are wroking hard. Ort at least alive!

James - 7:02 PM

Sunday, May 11, 2003

This quote is from our favorite Oriole, the oft injured Jay "Choppers" Gibbons:
"I'm totally healthy, but I have a completely different body. I'll be fine. I just have to get used to it."


Ken - 7:53 AM

Friday, May 09, 2003

Abe Pollin may run his franchises like a economically insolvent plantation, but he is NO racist! He has a lieutenant, who is not only black, but threateningly so! He also has a female lietenant Susan "Sally Hennings" O'Malley, who, though not black is a woman, and as Dana pointed out, "WOmen are the New Blacks".
And Micahel Jordan can never be the victim of white racism, because he is the 100% creation of the middle-class, suburban , soft on the edges white men like Michael WIlbon. They envy him his sports cars and low body fat index, his cigars, his golf games, his VIP steak meals, his mistress, his gamblers pockets, his disdain for his children. He is every suburban american mans escape fantasy/. They made Him. He IS them.
The cul-de-sacs and minivans stink of this Frankenstinian arrangement!
He will return to them in his musty sac, playing his ocarina. They will protect him at all costs!!!!

Is this incite:
Abe Pollin didnt use Salieri. AT worst it was a faustian exchange. AT best, Anti-Semite Salieri USED Abe Pollin, used his franchise for his vaiglorious victory lap, brought in his old yes men and retarded the flourishing nubile softness of the developing young squad. Acrimony, adultry followed. STackhouse sought comfort in his flame retardant lifemate GWiz and it was all Kwame Brown could do to stop from climnbing inside his foreskin and hiding from the world.


James - 6:58 PM

SO the world is finally listening to the wizznutzz views reviews fiery attitudes! we give a critical self-inventory, of others --here!!. daily!
And The media has taken notice:

SPortsfanmagazine.com has reporodcued our cutting incites

Award winning SPorts fan magazine , the Esquire of Green Turtle toilets, has paid us great respects before, like in their superwritten superfan profile.

Thanks again guys!! And all of you wizznutzz loyals, out of your mothering huts everywhere and go check out sportsfanmagazine.com and dotcurbsides whenever possible.

Dirty Uncle Pete Sweigarrd (in the Mike Mussina mask), is a FOW, Friend Of Wizznutzz, stopped by to chat with our GarBot2000 a few months ago, and for the first time we bring you the stirring communication, of 2 great minds locked in a profound shindy and / or intercourse:

Pete: When I say Wizznutzz what comes to mind?
GarBot: eat ass

Pete: Have you met the real Gar Heard?
GarBot: Im swell I miss my body though. Its in wes unselds basement

Pete: When you're alone at night is it Susan O'Malley who your thinking of when crying into your pillow?
GarBot: Who is your favourite player ?

Pete: we seem to be having a communication problem
GarBot: No I think you have a communication problem

Pete: good. my fav is A.I.
GarBot: That's good. Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young. I could kick your ass. You remind me of Ledell Eackles. I kicked his ass too.

Pete: I heard you licked Ledell Eackles ass
GarBot: piss off you rat bastard. Ill send sheed and the boys around.

Pete: could GarHeard2000 have managed better than Doug Collins?
GarBot: Remember things are never so bad that they can't get worse. But seriously is there any way I can help your day go better ?

Pete: nope
GarBot: I disagree

Pete: could you kick Doug Collins ass or would you have Sheed do it?
GarBot: Doug seems to know what he is doing. But he is so pasty. Human What is it like to be pasty ?

Pete: It's not so bad. As long as you have a robot around to talk to.
GarBot: Stop tell me I am a boy. I am a computer program so. stop calling me boy Yes I know that you are speaking to me .

Pete: I didn't call you boy
GarBot: I know you are a loony

Pete: I'm just envious of your quick responses to my queries
GarBot: Oh really ?

Pete: yup
GarBot: Ask me something else little whore

Pete: Gar, like I said before, this isn't Susan O'Malley
GarBot: Take off your panties

Pete: OK I'm out. nice talking to you
GarBot: What are you talking about Is that you Lorenzo?

REAL conversations of the resentful and vinegary GarBot2000!!! Have your own! Send them to us!

James - 6:38 PM

Washignton Wizzards fired Illinois-based executive Michael Saleri Jordan!!! NEws at 11!! 10 pm central time, where me and Dana are!!!

John Thompson alleges racial bias on his radio show!!!! Salieri's awful performance as an executive not withstanding!!! And Michael Black thanksgiving Wilbon implies racial bias, and tells the Orangeman Tony "I Used to Be a Writer, Now I Hack" Kornheiser that this decision falls on racial lines!!! Wes Unseld's longtime running this franchise into the ground not withstanding!!!! SAleri was also fired because under that duct tape, he's a woman!!!!! MR. Drummon doesn't like non-Males either, which is why Susan Omalley has been packing up and acting like a man all these years!!! "HER" SKIRT, "HER" RULES!!!! Meanwhile, a very perceptive and perturbed Dr. Sally Jenkins says calls Thompson and Wilbon both bozos!!!

For a blow by blow of the legendary meeting according to friends of associates of cousins of Teddy E-mail, look at this story!!! Then look at our quotes from the meeting, taken from a hidden Microphone the WizzNutzz hid in Tedd Leonsis' midsection!!! (How did Christopehr and James do it? That's for them to know, and Mr. Leonsis' surgeon to find out!!!)

Saleiri said to Mr Drummonds Poloin, " You damn Doby the House Elf, why don't you just build some Fanny Mae houses and help some poor people, you senile old coot!! And put on some pants!!!!"

Mr. Montgomery Burns Drummond Polin said to SAlieri, "Why don't you just go to Charlotte and make that expansion franchise a playoff contender in 3 years, you extremely well paid but hardly endowed man, while I will run this team until I'm 105 and I will hire more competnat people like Gar Heard Robot and will miss the playoffs for 26 more years? Hmmm? Hmmmm? HMMMMM??? "

And Mr Teddy Email says to no one in particular, "I still respect you, bacon."

Mr. Thomas Boseewlell calls for Abe to Sell the team, as does our Main Fellow David Aldridge, which we WizzNutzz would agree with were we not about self-preservation!! THAt is, if me and Dana ever make it back to Wizz Central!!! I feel like this trip is gonna end like Badlands, with me in the Sissy Spacek role! But the Wizznutzz never want honest Abe to sell, even though it might bring a winner here. WHy? What would the Wizznutzz be without 10 day contracts, non-playoff seasons, Jimmy Lynham/Gar Heard/Leonard Hamilton/Phantom Collins, Kw. Brown, and the loss of Ben Wallace/Chris Webber/Sheed Wallace/Rip Hamilton/Randell Jackson? WE'd be nowhere, instead of being number one in yourr hearts!!!! So Abe, keep running the team like it's a family. Keep hiring incompetant people that you fall in love with on the first date. Keep overpaying old and crusty players that you traded for younger, more nubile and pliant players. Keep treating the team like a broken down old mare (not like a Jordan Mule), one that just needs a bed of hay, not a waterbed of moisture, one that needs to travel in a cart behind a piuckup, not on a personal jet with beverages. Please keep giving the Caps the shaft at the MCI Center, and please keep screaming down the greatest player ever. Why? BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR KWAME AND WE LOVE OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ken - 12:07 AM

Wednesday, May 07, 2003


Salieri leaves the wizards, angry and in a hurry!

As promised here are some incites into the maelstrom of emotions and power that have been taking place. Everybody has incites right now, but we promise we don’t use the phrase “scratch an itch” once in ours!!!!
But instead original phrases such as “I still respect you bacon”

First of all I admit I thought Mister Jordan would be coming back myself. For he is a ruthless winner and insuffereble loser and one of the ways he wins so much is just to keep playing until he comes out on top, as witnessed in an article last year which described an incident after a wizards practice where he proved to RIP Hamilton in a spirited shooting contest gone sour, that he is a competitor but not a player and that he couldnt posses the secret of joy if it crawled up to his door step in a Joy State sweatshirt.

He just wants to keep shooting. He would cut off his nose to win a nose-cutting contest.
Well you got your two free throws Sally, 2001, and 2002. You have to get back to the line the old fashioned way now like everyone else.

And I was sure Salieri was going to stay because he wants to be an executive, learn all about the internet business from Teddy Leonsis,
and he knows all along his only ace in his sleeve is his Marketing and Cultural status, and he can use that as leverage but at some point he cant use it forever because it is not a real thing but an Idea only, and like a museum is full of carefully situated memories and phantom traces that can only be curated and restored. And Business models like cocacola and The Ikeaustin Cheeseboot™ can’t run on ideas alone!!.
It’s a fine line, and at stake is the worlds greatest ego and a below-average peenie!!!

But I was so very wrong.This was Sallys last dance.
Master Collins is now sure go. Rod Higgins too.
And Mrs Garrett aka Wes Unsled aka Breaker Morant is ailing from heartbreak.
No one is in charge!!!

Its power vacuums like this that lead to the unthinkable, like Nazis and Rod Strickland!

Bullets exile Randell Jackson has been seen around MCI procaliming himself “Mayor” of the wizards though the Pollin Administraion refuses to recognise him.

Abe Pollin has now let go troublemakers Michael Jordan, Chris Webber, Rasheed Wallace, Ben Wallace…. And in there place welcomed pacifist standounts into the fold like Tyronne Nesby, Popeye Jones, Rod Strickland and Mayor Jackson. ANd he milked Michaels fame like green milk from a black cow, very cold and un-Yitzhak Rabin-like !!!!

The meeting of Ted Leonsis, Michael Jordan and Abe Pollin, must have been one heck of a meeting. But it seems like it was pretty quick. Like this maybe:
ABE POLLIN: “I still respect you michael”
JORDAN: “I still respect your mister pollin”
TED LEONSIS: “I still respect you, bacon”

Jordan left angry and in a hurry.
Jordan was many things to the NBA.
To the Wizards he was a Revenant, a french word for which there is no adequate translation, but basically means:
One who returns after death (as a ghost) or after a long absence.

But it means more than that really, it means being:
Out of touch like an expatriate, stubborn and overstaying like an apparition.
Salieri’s tale was a tale that was repeating itself, of somebody with a storied past striving to return. In such a story , there are repetitions of content, repetitions of earlier modes of adaptation, and repetitions of derivatives of loss and return.
He even scouted from the past, collecting “competitive” sidekicks and Yes-men whose wills were easily broken and could take a licking a come back for more.

For Abe Pollin, facing his own mortality, this was just too haunting.
One of our Australian interns “Gnotuk Flower Girl” writes with keen perceptions, and called Abe Pollin :
Antedeluvian , which means “before the flood (as in before Noahs' Ark)”.
He is old fashioned as they come.
I cant help but think, If Abe Pollin did build an arc, it would be great too see who he would choose:
2 Mitch Kupchecks? Two Greg Ballards? Two of Wes for sure.
And two Susan O’Malleys in a cruel eugenic project to keep the human race alive.
Antedeluvian sounds like Abe Pollin too, and means like Mister Drummond

Michael Mann WIlbon is not gonna be happy

So much drama in the MCI!

James - 5:28 PM

Wizznutzz report that Michael Jordan is NOT coming back!!!! Hes one the RedLine to SHady Grove as we speak!!
Woaw! Stay tuned here for incites!!

James - 12:37 PM

Monday, May 05, 2003

No, that's not what Dana's prom date said to her after three vodka/tonics, it's what's happening in WizzLand!! MY SOARCES ARE COMING TO FRUITION, AND SO ARE MY LOINS!!!

Put on your seatbelts, and strap in for more Links than the last three Legend of Zeldas combined!

Here's the NY Times story that kicked it all off. Here are some of the highlight revelations:

In the season's final days, when many of Jordan's teammates were asked if they wanted to contribute to a retirement gift, the Wizards arrived quickly at a collective decision: no. I understand that Kw.Brown offered Salieri a golden kick in the ass, but ol' Brownie was shushed down (as he has been all year. WE LOVE YOU KW.!)

When asked to pinpoint the demise of the team in exit interviews with Unseld, they bit their tongues. Seated nearby were Rod Higgins, the assistant general manager, and Fred Whitfield, the director of player personnel, both close friends of Jordan, who hired both men. "I didn't feel like I could be honest," said one player, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "If Mike goes upstairs again, he's got control of my career." Salieri as Nicolo Machiavelli, wow! WHO KNEW HE WAS SUCH A CLASSICIST!!! Substitute "close friends" for "unrepentant henchmen," and you get the idea about Higgins and Whitfield.

According to one official, Hughes was explicitly told by Jordan to get him the ball if he wanted to play. When Larry Hughes began passing it to Stackhouse as much as to Jordan, he was soon benched. Point guard Tyronn Lue, the official said, obliged and began finding Jordan every time he played. "He was scared to death of what would happen to him in his career if he didn't," the player said of Lue. "He was always looking at the bench at Michael." POOR BOOGIE! He was benched because he won't get that bald headed bastard the ball (and I'm not talkin' Sticky Fingaz from Onyx, though he's quite goood in Platinum on UPN). It's no wonder he faked an ankle injury the rest of the year. And Lil' Lue, whose mom was sick in a coma throughout the second half of the year, had to play scared out of his Hidi thong in such fear for his job? The SHAME! Sure, this is all just based on rumors and innuendo and anonymous sources, the sort of material that can wreck a person's life, but isn't that what the press is based on, half truths and opinions, careerists and liars? LIVE IT UP!

If the players did not take issue with Jordan in their final interviews, they did show unanimity in another way: every player laced into Collins. I believe they have worked out an a capella version of "The Music of the Night," with Jahidi singin':

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the harmony which dreams alone can write
The power of the music of the night

Touch me, feed me, please oh please just pet me.
Collins, egghead, stinks just like some ragweed
He yells all the time at Kwame, he lets his darker side come through
All we see is his skull head and those fake white teeth too
It's the Phantom of the Court

Jordan's influence superseded that of Collins, and it led to much friction. Hughes, Stackhouse, Christian Laettner and Bryon Russell were some of the most vocal players, but in the end most of them took issue with Jordan. Number one star Sister Christian, let the tears flow! L. Boogie and Stack, you're in the right, keep the good fight! B. Russ, you stink and ain't got nothing to complain about.

One of the officials said even the acquisition of Stackhouse came about partly because of a player unwilling to defer to Jordan. Late last fall, Richard Hamilton and Jordan got into an ugly shouting match. The two officials said it began when Hamilton told Jordan he was tired of being a "Jordannaire," the term used for Jordan's role players in Chicago. "Rip was a young, brash guy who threatened the idea of Michael being the guy here," the official said. "He was promptly gotten rid of for Stackhouse." GOOD FOR RIP! He got runned right of town and into the second round of the playoffs with the Pistons, our new favorite team!! Big Ben! PISTONZZNUTZZ!!!

In the season's final weeks, players openly complained about the double standards for Jordan. Promptly dressed and ready to speak with reporters after games, they were forced to wait in the locker room for 15 or 20 minutes while Jordan showered and dressed in a private room. Cut him some slack here. It's well known that Salieri has an exceedingly small johnson, which is why he tries to make up for it through domineering and power-grabbing moves. Do you think he calls his lil' friend "Napoleon" because he's a Francophile? Doubt it.

OK, here's some more stories. .Now Salieri is using the Charlotte franchise as a bargaining chip, as reported in War Slut Daily. And our good friend Crazy Tom Knott, he of the long metaphors that begin in China and end up in Lubbock with many stops in between, says this about Salieri: "Last December, for instance, after Jordan was limited to two points in Toronto, he was held aloft as Professor Jordan because of his nine assists and eight rebounds. You see, he was showing everyone that you don't have to score to make a contribution. Oh, please. The man looked his age in that game." YES! OLD AND BALD! And then ol' Knotty finishes with this zinger: "Jordan or no Jordan, the Wizards probably can manage a .381 winning percentage in the seasons ahead." ShOOT SHOOT, SLAMM SLAM! THAT'S THE REASON I'M A BULLETS FAN!!!

Here in this story, Teddy E-mail fires up the Tandy and denies all charges that he hates Salieri and his poor work ethic as a executive. He then gives a pitch for fans to buy Caps seasons tickets! HOW DID THE COPYEDITORS MISS THAT ONE!@!! This story also says that Susan Omalley, Wes Unseld (not the Alderman) and Washington Sports (Abe's gang) were behind the anonymous sources in the NY Times article. Look at what a baby Salieri is: Jordan was said to be unhappy with O'Malley for offering a free ticket for Jordan's final home game in April to fans who purchased a 10-game ticket plan for next season, when Jordan will be retired. If he had any intention of coming back to the Wizz as an owner, why wouldn't he want this promotion, so that fans actually come to the games next year to what his young and beautiful but horrible and disfunctional team?

Meanwhile, let's end on a positive note. Our main main Etan Thomas is a poet, as we've written in these pages before. He even particpated in Bring in Da Slam VII, according to this Post story!! Look at these beautiful words Etan writes in his poem "Republicans": Them hypocrites don't care about you./Reverse discrimination? Are you serious? WHOA! That's some deep shit. He musta rocked the thesaurus for some of them similies and metaphors and rhymes and images an so forth. You are a deep mutha, Etan. Keep on keepin' on.

Ken - 10:03 AM

Saturday, May 03, 2003

Hey everyone! Me and Dana are our searching the midwestern plains for the elusive prey known only as DEBARGE, or as Dana likes to call him "that beautiful fucking man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I have breaking news from here in the plains states, as told to me BY MY SOARCES!!!!!!

Are tyou ready?



We already know that Wes Unseld went on "hiatus" due to "health concerns" Yes, I despite what ass sucker Black Thanksgiving says, the only health concerns Wes Unseld is facing is that of ABE Pollin and how much Mr. Drummond can get for his failing franchise from Teddy "Blame it on the fans!!" LEonsis, who is desperate to buy the team and get it on track like he has the Caps (first round and out!! Isaiha J.r. Rider is worth 20 million!!!@@$$$$$).


Here';s a story about the Wizz/Caps/MCI soap opera that is going on. It stars the feeble but charity minded Abester Pollen, the large but in charge Tedd Leonsisi, and the old but bald and old and angry Salieri Jordan. The story says this: "None of the principals would agree to interviews despite repeated requests."

And this story says that Salieri is lookin to bolt from Abe's abode. MAY I ADMINISTER THE KICK IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of you are surely worreid about me, but i have to say that Dana has been nothing to good to me. She beats me, yes, BUT I DESERVE IT!! THe blood reminds me that I am human and that Dana is a demi-god!!!!!!

Ken - 11:56 PM




The Wizznutzz experts commentaries on the 2002-03 season. Updated frequently!!!