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Monday, May 05, 2003

No, that's not what Dana's prom date said to her after three vodka/tonics, it's what's happening in WizzLand!! MY SOARCES ARE COMING TO FRUITION, AND SO ARE MY LOINS!!!

Put on your seatbelts, and strap in for more Links than the last three Legend of Zeldas combined!

Here's the NY Times story that kicked it all off. Here are some of the highlight revelations:

In the season's final days, when many of Jordan's teammates were asked if they wanted to contribute to a retirement gift, the Wizards arrived quickly at a collective decision: no. I understand that Kw.Brown offered Salieri a golden kick in the ass, but ol' Brownie was shushed down (as he has been all year. WE LOVE YOU KW.!)

When asked to pinpoint the demise of the team in exit interviews with Unseld, they bit their tongues. Seated nearby were Rod Higgins, the assistant general manager, and Fred Whitfield, the director of player personnel, both close friends of Jordan, who hired both men. "I didn't feel like I could be honest," said one player, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "If Mike goes upstairs again, he's got control of my career." Salieri as Nicolo Machiavelli, wow! WHO KNEW HE WAS SUCH A CLASSICIST!!! Substitute "close friends" for "unrepentant henchmen," and you get the idea about Higgins and Whitfield.

According to one official, Hughes was explicitly told by Jordan to get him the ball if he wanted to play. When Larry Hughes began passing it to Stackhouse as much as to Jordan, he was soon benched. Point guard Tyronn Lue, the official said, obliged and began finding Jordan every time he played. "He was scared to death of what would happen to him in his career if he didn't," the player said of Lue. "He was always looking at the bench at Michael." POOR BOOGIE! He was benched because he won't get that bald headed bastard the ball (and I'm not talkin' Sticky Fingaz from Onyx, though he's quite goood in Platinum on UPN). It's no wonder he faked an ankle injury the rest of the year. And Lil' Lue, whose mom was sick in a coma throughout the second half of the year, had to play scared out of his Hidi thong in such fear for his job? The SHAME! Sure, this is all just based on rumors and innuendo and anonymous sources, the sort of material that can wreck a person's life, but isn't that what the press is based on, half truths and opinions, careerists and liars? LIVE IT UP!

If the players did not take issue with Jordan in their final interviews, they did show unanimity in another way: every player laced into Collins. I believe they have worked out an a capella version of "The Music of the Night," with Jahidi singin':

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the harmony which dreams alone can write
The power of the music of the night

Touch me, feed me, please oh please just pet me.
Collins, egghead, stinks just like some ragweed
He yells all the time at Kwame, he lets his darker side come through
All we see is his skull head and those fake white teeth too
It's the Phantom of the Court

Jordan's influence superseded that of Collins, and it led to much friction. Hughes, Stackhouse, Christian Laettner and Bryon Russell were some of the most vocal players, but in the end most of them took issue with Jordan. Number one star Sister Christian, let the tears flow! L. Boogie and Stack, you're in the right, keep the good fight! B. Russ, you stink and ain't got nothing to complain about.

One of the officials said even the acquisition of Stackhouse came about partly because of a player unwilling to defer to Jordan. Late last fall, Richard Hamilton and Jordan got into an ugly shouting match. The two officials said it began when Hamilton told Jordan he was tired of being a "Jordannaire," the term used for Jordan's role players in Chicago. "Rip was a young, brash guy who threatened the idea of Michael being the guy here," the official said. "He was promptly gotten rid of for Stackhouse." GOOD FOR RIP! He got runned right of town and into the second round of the playoffs with the Pistons, our new favorite team!! Big Ben! PISTONZZNUTZZ!!!

In the season's final weeks, players openly complained about the double standards for Jordan. Promptly dressed and ready to speak with reporters after games, they were forced to wait in the locker room for 15 or 20 minutes while Jordan showered and dressed in a private room. Cut him some slack here. It's well known that Salieri has an exceedingly small johnson, which is why he tries to make up for it through domineering and power-grabbing moves. Do you think he calls his lil' friend "Napoleon" because he's a Francophile? Doubt it.

OK, here's some more stories. .Now Salieri is using the Charlotte franchise as a bargaining chip, as reported in War Slut Daily. And our good friend Crazy Tom Knott, he of the long metaphors that begin in China and end up in Lubbock with many stops in between, says this about Salieri: "Last December, for instance, after Jordan was limited to two points in Toronto, he was held aloft as Professor Jordan because of his nine assists and eight rebounds. You see, he was showing everyone that you don't have to score to make a contribution. Oh, please. The man looked his age in that game." YES! OLD AND BALD! And then ol' Knotty finishes with this zinger: "Jordan or no Jordan, the Wizards probably can manage a .381 winning percentage in the seasons ahead." ShOOT SHOOT, SLAMM SLAM! THAT'S THE REASON I'M A BULLETS FAN!!!

Here in this story, Teddy E-mail fires up the Tandy and denies all charges that he hates Salieri and his poor work ethic as a executive. He then gives a pitch for fans to buy Caps seasons tickets! HOW DID THE COPYEDITORS MISS THAT ONE!@!! This story also says that Susan Omalley, Wes Unseld (not the Alderman) and Washington Sports (Abe's gang) were behind the anonymous sources in the NY Times article. Look at what a baby Salieri is: Jordan was said to be unhappy with O'Malley for offering a free ticket for Jordan's final home game in April to fans who purchased a 10-game ticket plan for next season, when Jordan will be retired. If he had any intention of coming back to the Wizz as an owner, why wouldn't he want this promotion, so that fans actually come to the games next year to what his young and beautiful but horrible and disfunctional team?

Meanwhile, let's end on a positive note. Our main main Etan Thomas is a poet, as we've written in these pages before. He even particpated in Bring in Da Slam VII, according to this Post story!! Look at these beautiful words Etan writes in his poem "Republicans": Them hypocrites don't care about you./Reverse discrimination? Are you serious? WHOA! That's some deep shit. He musta rocked the thesaurus for some of them similies and metaphors and rhymes and images an so forth. You are a deep mutha, Etan. Keep on keepin' on.

Ken - 10:03 AM




The Wizznutzz experts commentaries on the 2002-03 season. Updated frequently!!!